How Trackable Is My Pre-Marriage Porn? - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

By Eugene S. Robinson

Too Many Lights, Too Much Action

EUGENE, SIR: I wanted to do one crazy thing before I got married. Just something for me. So I answered a Craigslist ad back when they had them and on purpose picked a low-budget adult film ad. It was supposed to be for “private” collectors and no one in “real life” would see it. I would get a copy for myself. My now-husband found it and he’s angry because the time stamp on it shows it was the same month we got married. I didn’t know what to say, so I said that it was just a onetime fling I had when I started to get nervous about getting married. He believes this. My question, though, is this: Is there a way for him to know that this isn’t true? I’m not a computer person and he is, but is there a universal digital code or something that would let him figure out that this was a commercial production? Things are OK now, but I suspect/believe he is trying to figure this out, so please let me know what you can figure out. —Name withheld by request

Dear Busted: I’d like to do an entire speaker’s series on the science of hiding things and hiding things well based on the number of times I’ve found myself answering some version of this question. Anything that is documented is subsequent to discovery.

Anything.

Indeed, some would make the claim that the entire purpose of documentation is discovery: in this instance, the “private collector” who paid for it. That was the intentional discovery. The unintentional but totally expected discovery? Your husband.

What’s done is done, so to answer your question: The universal code that helps Shazam figure out that the song you’re being forced to listen to while at the mall is really the Bee Gees is not connected to individually burned CDs. He might be able to track it to a specific computer if he was very good. This, in fact, is how the BTK serial killer was caught. Except it was a floppy disk and he was a murderer.

But I am guessing that tracking it to a specific computer would just reveal the person who made the copy. In all likelihood, that is the person who made it for you.

But who knows? What I DO know is that the worst is over. I mean, the sex with someone not him? That’s the heavy lift. Everything after that? Pure academics. So ride it out and good luck trying to ride it out.

Hold Me Down. Hold Me Up

EUGENE, SIR: I can only have an orgasm if the man I’m having sex with holds me down. Not here to analyze the whys and wherefores of that. I’m fine with that. But here’s a question I can’t ask my personal trainer: Is there a non-physically stressful way for a man in average shape to both hold me down and perform? I’m having a hard time finding someone who can do both for very long. —Lotta

Dear Ms. Lenya: So you don’t want to ask your personal trainer but are totally OK with me asking one? Yeah, I get you. What I’m paid to do. OK. Well, realistically, there’s no way I can answer this question. Hold down? Like how? Prone? Supine? Over furniture? Underwater? See, there are way too many known unknowns.

So let’s think this through before I present it to a personal trainer. In the missionary position, if your partner’s knees have him based on the bed and he’s using one of his arms to hold you down, he’d need to tripod on the free arm. So … a one-arm pushup. For how long? Until you orgasm, but no idea how long that’ll be.

But no partner worth his salt is timekeeping this, so the issue becomes how long the average man can hold a one-arm plank, and while I don’t know the answer to this, I know that unless you’re routinely having orgasms in under five minutes, he’s done.

So if this is close to what you’re dealing with, my personal trainer — kidding: I know personal trainers but don’t have one, having been one — the recommendation stands at a routine that involves core exercises/planks, pushups and enough cardio to keep the weight low so you don’t get winded.

This or exclusively dating athletes. Good luck.

Does Calling Sex “Work” Make It Less Fun?

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend strips. When I met her, she was a stripper. Twelve months later, I’m still OK with her being a stripper, but I want her to stop doing lap dances. Her boss says this is part of the job. She says she would cut her salary in half even if she could cut these out and because of this, she’s not sure if she wants to. Oh, she also has a degree in political science, so she could do something else. I really want to push this since I like her so much, but my friends (some of whom I later found out have gone to see her work) think I am being stupid. Thoughts? —Crazy?

Dear Crazy!: There’s a LOT to unpack here. But first: If she told you your friends have been visiting her at work? Keep her, dump them. If they told you? Keep them, dump her.

In regards to the rest, I generally find any and all efforts to effect a change in others is a road to madness. Leaving you limited options. Specifically: You figure out how this makes sense to you or you figure out how to get out.

In her favor: If she had wanted to leave you for the kind of guy who squanders his disposable income watching interactive nude stage performances, she probably would have already done so. If you can accept this, realize that her taking her clothes off for cash is probably the least interesting thing about her.

Not in her favor: She’s a tourist. Not wanting to put a good degree to use? Purely her business. But there are many hard-working sex workers for whom their job choice is not a whim but a necessity. Remember Hugh Grant? Remember the sex worker he got caught with? Divine Brown? She was flowing oral sex to celebrities so she could keep her and her young daughter housed. Not because she wanted to walk on the wild side.

So it really depends on how adult you want to be here. But being an adult here could have you choosing to stay involved. It could also have you choosing to not stay involved. The deciding line? What makes you feel better.

Think carefully. Choose wisely.

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