Future Mom-in-Law, the Porn Star - OZY | A Modern Media Company
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.” 

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Acceptance, in its ideal form, goes both ways.

By Eugene S. Robinson

EX SEXING

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend just suggested that we kind of lay it out there to an ex of mine whom we’ve become pretty comfortable friends with that if we all wanted to become a little closer as friends, that would be OK. Backstory first: We’ve been together for three years and during one rough patch, I slept with this same ex. I’ve not been forthcoming about this and my ex knows that. So, do I initiate the threesome, and if I do so, do I come clean on the rough patch, and if I don’t come clean on the rough patch, is that shitty? Or is all of this just bad COVID thinking? — 2 Good 2 B True?

Dear Flimflammed: You ever follow the sage ministrations of McGruff the Crime Dog, the cartoon dog detective that suggests that if something is too good to be true, it probably is? Well, acquaint yourself, since it’s right about now that you’re going to be needing that advice most. Mostly on account of 100-foot cliff dives into total stupidity are only stupid if 1.) you’ve never done them before, and 2.) if you’ve done them before and failed.

On the off chance that you’ve made this work before? Well, it’s not really my advice you’re needing, and in actual fact, this is just a humblebrag then.

However, I must take you at your word and therefore look at the facts as you’ve given them. You’ve been with your current girlfriend for three years, which means you’ve been broken up with this ex for at least that long. Even if during this period you’ve had sex with the ex (at least once), there’s no mention of her being married or being with someone.

Which means she’s been hanging around you all versus being out on the prowl. However, make no mistake, our genes will let absolutely none of us not be on the prowl. So, in my mind, she remains on the prowl, but it’s you whom she’s prowling for. It should be a cause for consternation and paranoia that your current doesn’t see this. It means she’s either not quick enough to see it, which I doubt; she just wants to keep her enemies close, which I also doubt; or as things happen on Planet Sex With Eugene, she has her own designs on your ex.

Which leaves you where? An unwitting dupe who is complicit in his own undoing. I could be wrong, but the fact that you have not considered this means that you probably should and proceed with much caution.

Good luck. You’re going to need it. Reader’s Digest answer: It’s bad COVID thinking.

ALMOST MOTHER-IN-LAW DEAREST

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I are planning to get married. I know it’s not just two people who are coming together but families, and that’s where the problem is. I’m just figuring out that her mother had a “career” in porn that lasted years. I’m no prude, but I happened to say, since we plan on having kids someday, that I didn’t think unsupervised visits with “Grandma” were that good of an idea. We started arguing, and from her point of view, the fact that her mother has accepted me as her daughter-in-law means that I should accept her as my mother-in-law. But I don’t think being gay is the same as being in porn, sorry. — Name withheld by request

Dear Not a Prude BUT: It’s all so speculative, isn’t it? If you all make it through this wedding and if you all stay happily married and negotiate childbearing and then birth, your concern is that the woman who raised the woman you love, you speculate, would somehow convince her possible granddaughter to work in adult films some 18 years in the future.

Does it sound ridiculous yet?

I mean, I understand the urge to politicize the world around you, but the reality is that being filmed while having sex for profit is not an automatic indicator of either poor parenting or grandparenting skills. Excessive drug use I could understand. A history of violence, OK, sure. But something done decades ago to be held against a woman who’s given no other indication of unfitness? I think that’s small and unkind.

However, you know you better than I know you, and if you can’t live with it, then you know your way is clear: Do not marry into this family. And if you can’t marry into this family, then forcing yourself to do so is doing no one any favors.

TESTICLE TIME!

EUGENE, SIR: Can we damage testicles by twisting them? Or, a better way to ask given what we’re doing would be: How many times can we twist them before we’re going to have problems? — Having a Ball

Dear Ball Boys: In 1977, they made a movie called Box Ball. To call it a movie is being generous. It was a short, or in old porno parlance, a “loop.” Probably an 8mm film clip filmed in someone’s basement and distributed via all of the 42nd Street skinporiums.

I am not suggesting at all that you watch it!

I mention it only because in this “movie,” a woman twists a man’s testicles around and around and around. More than four times? I expect so. I don’t believe this caused him to die. But then again, no one has ever heard from him again. It was also sans an audio track, so we have no idea if he was screaming while they filmed. We also have no idea whether or not he ever fathered children afterward either.

Doctors will issue warnings, but I’ll say this: let pain and discomfort be your guide. And assume that, yes, when you make your body do stuff it was not designed to do, you run certain risks. But if both of you are paying attention and err on the side of moderation, neither of you will end up with strangulated testicles. Or worse.

Does this sound like a mixed review of said testicle twisting, I ask, cringing while I do so? I sure hope so.

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