My Girlfriend Likes Another Woman
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because cold, broke and lonely is not a good look on anybody.
By Eugene S. Robinson
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend is attracted to this common friend of ours. We’re all Facebook friends and I’ve been able to watch this thing grow. She denies it but I can see it. Our friend finally wrote me and asked if ”Sara” was OK. She’s bi and my girl has had no interest at all in women before but there’s a first time for everything. I’ve tried talking about it just to get things out in the open, but she’s resisting, which makes it suckier and harder. I can’t figure out if she’s lying to herself or just me. But I know I need and want this to stop. Suggestions? — Hans
Dear Helping Hans: My experience has left me knowing that you can’t stop anything much less the acts or actions of someone who may be lying to themselves. It’s a terrible game of wack-a-mole with you identifying irksome behaviors, she denies those same behaviors, and repeat up to and possibly through her affair with your friend. Leaving you very stark choices. The good news is those are the same choices you have now: leave immediately leaving her free to pursue your friend OR haul the friend in for a girl-boy-girl threesome.
And before you start celebrating know that as threesomes go, the girl-boy-girl threesome is a much harder more delicate deal than a boy-girl-boy one. Twice the number of things could go wrong and at the outer limits of sucky is them just asking you to leave. Bringing you right back around to your first choice: leaving. Which I’m going to suggest you use as your last choice. I mean this could just be a phase. You could luck your way into a threesome you don’t get thrown out of. Anything could happen. Which makes this much cooler than leaving to a future of much less interesting predicaments.
EUGENE, SIR: Porn had become part of our sex life a few months ago. We’d turn it on. Have sex with it on. But it started to feel weird to me and I started to wonder why we never had sex without it. I tried to not turn it on one time we were about to have sex and she demanded after a while that we put it on. I know some people like to smoke weed before they have sex, some like to have a few drinks but what’s going on in her head that this has become part of what WE do? I have not noticed any trends to the porn we watch when we do it but the fact that I am thinking about this instead of enjoying sex is making me not enjoy sex. What does this mean? — TV Eye?
Dear Picture Imperfect: Jags are a drag. A friend of mine had a boyfriend who used to like to dress them up in pirate gear before screwing. The first few times this seemed daring and dangerous even. Aaarghhh and shiver me timbers and all the rest of that. At the very least it seemed new and novel. Until it didn’t anymore.
So I understand where you are but while I understand where you are I can’t understand why you haven’t been able to think your way out of this one. There’s a saying about it being better to light a candle than to curse the darkness and while you’re cursing the darkness I am going to suggest you change the paradigm and instead of watching strangers having sex while you have sex that you submit that it’d be much more hot to watch the two of you having sex while you’re having sex.
Some people use mirrors for this. Some use cameras. You should use a camera for a total Gödel, Escher, Bach experience. You film the two of you having sex and then later watch the video of you two having sex while you have sex. She gets whatever thrill emerges from the visual witchcraft of high def and you get the emotional assurance that she still finds you sexy.
This could, of course, go horribly, horribly wrong but that’s what I am here for.
A More Public Poking
EUGENE, SIR: Everyone thinks public sex is so adventurous but the dirt, the cold, the fear of discovery does absolutely nothing for me. My boyfriend loves it and I’m trying to be a trooper about it but the appeal just escapes me. What the hell is wrong with a bed anyway? — L.B.
Dear The Great Outdoors: I knew a guy once whose girlfriend was into wigs. Like, seriously, into wigs. She’d get a new one, he’d go crazy. Come crawling back all beat to hell and saying, “it’s like a new woman every night.” So, viva la difference. If you always screw in a bed, screwing some place other than the bed will add something. At the very least it’ll show that you think about your lovemaking from a position of production values. Which makes all the difference in the world. The small things. The details.
A switch of scenery could help is what I am saying. Especially since you can ameliorate the parts of it that you do not like. Bring a blanket against the cold. Find a place where getting discovered is less than likely and here’s some good advice for any sexual encounter: relax. Of course one of the least relaxing things in the world is someone TELLING you to relax, but give it a try. You might develop a taste for it. And if not? Feel free to dial it back, dial it back. I mean you tried. Which, in the end, is all you can do.