Making Pandemic Porn Pay - OZY | A Modern Media Company

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because money doesn’t grow on trees. Well, it sort of does, but you know what we mean.

By Eugene S. Robinson

How Many Is ‘Multiple’?

EUGENE, SIR: Sting (yeah, sorry) used to talk about tantric sex, and then I heard about multiple male orgasms. Are these the same thing? And how does a man make this work? I’m usually spent when I’m done. If there’s something I’m missing, please advise. — Overtime

Dear Overmatched: Oh man. Talking about Sting while discussing orgasms is like talking about clutch repair while thinking about root canals. Or something.

OK, realistically there’s no way to talk about 16 hours of drug-free sex without talking about Sting and his wife, Trudie Styler, who famously claimed that their observance of tantric techniques let them have sex for 16 hours at a pop. Which, if you ask me, is a kind of ridiculous overachieving and if you can’t get it done in half that time you’re either very slow or very rich and therefore able to take your time.

I’m not criticizing. I’m just critiquing.

In any case, having sex for 16 hours of tantric time is very different from multiple male orgasms and you’ve incorrectly conflated the two, though it’s pretty understandable why. My understanding of the Sting-Trudie thing, which they’ve since debunked themselves — “We were only funning you! We got tired of counting our millions and, well, just because!” —  is that this 16-hour marathon did not include many male orgasms. In fact, it was supposed to be about having sex and Sting not having an orgasm.

Which makes it more of a delay thing, right? Look, I don’t know! Clearly, you start making Sting money and you go nuts. But that’s part of the whole tantric turn of affairs. Any other multiple-male-orgasm scenario also includes delaying orgasm. The only men who openly and publicly lay any claim to real multiple male orgasms as part of a routine are male porn stars.

Mr. Marcus, in The World’s Luckiest Black Man, had sex with more than 100 women over a three-day shoot. During that time he had 13 orgasms. How did he do it? “I don’t know, man.” How’d he feel after having done it? “Tired.”

Hope that helps.

Randy Cars + Sexy Cash

EUGENE, SIR: In one of your recent columns you discussed how, mid-pandemic, a couple might turn their OnlyFans account into a cash enterprise. So me and my man started thinking. We’re exhibitionists and if some people want to pay to watch us do it, who cares? But how do we actually get paid for doing it? — Name withheld by request

Dear Showing/Telling: Romi Chase has amassed a good bit of scratch, jack, simoleons, moola, cold hard cash via the method you just now referenced: OnlyFans. And now she’s offering seminars — for a fee, natch — on how folks like you can get paid for the very same thing.

Here’s a secret: You probably don’t need to take Chase’s seminar to figure out how to do this. The woods of sex cinema are full of folks like yourselves, two people with a dream and private parts. Take, for example, the husband-and-wife team behind the NSFW Wifey’s World (maybe not even safe for home, for Chrissakes).

So yes, you can do things that might get you paid. Might. You very specifically ask how to get paid, though. This is as much of a mystery now as when Henry Hill spoke these immortal words in Goodfellas: “Fuck you, pay me.” I have no personal experience with OnlyFans and whether it pays on time or pays correctly. Setting up your own website and taking payments yourself is probably the most reliable method but also the heaviest lift. If you build it they might come, but you’re also competing against an entire web of porn content.

I hate to be a fount of negativity, but money is always going to be a hang-up with any independently launched project. So like they say, it must first be at the very least a labor of love. Which it sounds like this is. Put another way: You’re already doing it for free. However, if you need cash right now, it might not be the quickest solution.

But no one ever got rich following my financial advice, so …

Heartbreak: A Scale

EUGENE, SIR: Here is a question, metaphorical or not, as you care to interpret: Is life too short to feel heartbroken? — VSTH

Dear Video Start Time Helper: I think you will find in the fullness of time that most of us spend 90 percent more time feeling heartbroken than we should. Especially since no one talks their way out of being dumped, and I mean this both literally and figuratively.

There are a finite number of reasons why anyone is dumped. Heartbreak is equal parts trying to figure out what those reasons were, the validity of said reasons, your ability to effectively address them, the likelihood you will and the chances that fate interferes and delivers the departed to a partner better suited for them than you while you’re doing the math.

Ninety percent of this time is time that you should put into making yourself a better person. The remaining 10 percent? Well, that’s the justifiable heartbreak time and it’s all of those things you can do nothing about in this lifetime.

Your lover likes them tall and you’re short? They like them thick and you’re thin? Sane and you’re not? Well, as we liked to say back home, you’re SOL. Is that heartbreaking? Yes, it is. Have at it.

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