Why you should care

Because no one cares about your sex problems like Eugene cares about your sex problems.

Lesbian Trickery?

EUGENE, SIR: I have a female friend who dresses and acts like a lesbian. I know for a fact she has been intimate with a number of women at the gym I train at. Recently her and I have begun to exchange text messages. Just two “guys” shooting the shit. In the beginning it was like “you like pussy, I like pussy” we should hang out. But she has begun telling me about her pierced vagina. In detail. About when she does and does not shave it and most importantly that she is going to show it to me. To date she has not shown it.

Let me also add this: me and my male friends do not text one another about our cocks. EVER. Can you tell me what’s going on here? More importantly: what is the next step? — Tracy 

Dear Dick Tracy: Sexuality is pretty fluid. Or at the very least our ideas that it is fluid have been with us since Masters & Johnson said so, so it’s not strange that a woman who acts “like” a lesbian might be displaying text book signs of having some sort of sexual interest in you, an owner of a penis. The question, your question and beneath your question, begs a query connected to whether or not you’d be making a grievous error running at the football held by Lucy Van Pelt like Charlie Brown does every single time or whether you’d be a fool not to.

To which I say: let’s look at the breakdown. If you make a run for it, and she’s NOT into it she, at worst, will think you a clod. It may or may not ruin the friendship but if you’re not a hammerhead about it, probably not. If you make a run for it, and she’s into it, she will think you’re super perceptive. And it may or may not ruin the friendship.

If she’s into it and you DON’T make a run for it, she’ll think you’re a clod. If she’s not into it and you don’t make a run for it, nothing lost. It’s Pascal’s Wager all over again and while clearly if she’s not into it and you try nothing you’re perfectly OK, women who are not into it are not talking to you about their vaginas unless you’re a doctor. And maybe not even then since I imagine dentists are not hearing much about vaginas.

But the race goes to the bold and from where I’m sitting you have nothing to lose since if she’s a real friend and not into it she’ll understand your “confusion” and if she’s not a real friend, who cares.

Also, I’d like to note: this is not really, technically, a problem.


EUGENE, SIR: I was telling one of my girlfriends that the other night in the middle of sex my boyfriend spit in my face. She was angry. She thinks I am being abused and was so upset that I got nervous and felt weird telling her that I was about to say how hot it was. Now, she doesn’t want to hang out with us, won’t talk to him and is intimating to our friends that I am abused. I need to stop this train now. Any idea how? — Amy 

Dear Not a Dry Eye: You mean this is not covered in 50 Shades of Grey? I guess that’s what sequels are for. But clearly you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle now trying to convince her that everything is OK and you were kind of remiss for not jumping all over that right away. Totally understand your shock at her shock but even though if I ran in the room and threw the equivalent amount of water in her face from a teaspoon, spit is freighted in a whole other way and most people are going to have, very possibly, a similar reaction to it because of how you sold it.

How you sell it? “You know what’s really hot?” is a better prefix than “Jon spit in my face.” But spit under the bridge. A bridge that now involves me pulling an old advice columnist trick and suggesting that you just email this to her. Seriously, if saying, “hey you didn’t let me finish…I LOVED it” is just not going to work coming out of your mouth, lean back and be totally OK with it coming out of MY mouth. At least she won’t have to wipe her face afterward.

See, what I just did there?

Prostitution Probe

EUGENE, SIR: My wife is not a man and I sometimes want to have sex with men. Is going to a male prostitute a reasonable way to solve the problem of her not being able to give me what I want? — HT 

Dear Ho Ho Ho: You married someone without a penis and now, on occasion, you want a penis, other than your own? Good of you to be able to realize and embrace who it is you are but sort of a drag that you’ve figured this out before everyone else it could affect could make a necessary course correction. 

So, to answer your question: going to a male ho is not a reasonable way to deal with your “newly” “discovered” bisexuality. It’s easy and if you want to stay married “easy” is not always the key to doing so. Tell the wife, in an easy moment, and see if she’s game for you two finding your way to “bicuriosity” and completely understand if she’s not. 

Should you then avail yourself of the services of a professional? I’m not hung up on gender here. The reality though is you made some promises I am assuming when you decided to get married. Renegotiate if you must but renegotiate with your negotiating partner.


OZYTrue Stories

The intimate, the harrowing, the sweet, the surprising — the human.