Is Watching Gay Porn During Straight Sex Gay? - OZY | A Modern Media Company

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because sex can be plenty political, but plenty political sex is rarely sexy.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Cheaters? Who? What? Where?

EUGENE, SIR: Jesus said that cheating is permissible if your partner is crazy, violent and unfaithful themselves, which seems to imply that in regards to infidelity, despite the commandments, there is some wiggle room. Could you give me an infidelity chart? — E.V.

Dear Electric Vehicle: Jesus said that? Jesus who hung around sex workers and working men? I’m not so strong on Bible verse, but when you measure infidelity up against murder, it clearly seems to be a lower-grade deal, and given how often both occurred in the Bible, is there any wonder? King David? Unfaithful and a murderer.

I’m unsure of where you’re going here with the religious underpinning for infidelity, but there for sure is a scale. If your partner cheats first and/or baselessly denies you sexual favor? Your pass has been validated. If your partner joylessly accedes to sexual contact with you in the face of repeated requests to discuss “what’s wrong”? Your pass has been validated. If your partner belittles your intelligence and/or sexual attractiveness? Well, they WANT you to cheat.

Finally, and here I’m in agreement with Jesus: If your partner is crazy and/or violent with a drug/alcohol problem to boot, though there are other better remedies for this than tossing sexy gasoline on a very much not sexy crazy, violent fire, you could not be blamed for seeking succor elsewhere.

I’m sure I’m missing something but probably not much. Hope this helps.

When Gay Porn Is Not Enough/Too Much

EUGENE, SIR: At first she wanted to watch porn when we had sex. Then something happened and it got political and “this is porn made for men by men! This is the gayest thing ever!” Then, “for you to know how I’m feeling we should watch porn I choose!” That ended up being gay porn. “Which is porn made for men by men but that doesn’t subjugate women!” So up for a dare, I say “sure.” Six months later, this is a regular feature and I’m done. But I can’t think of an argument for why. Suggestions, sir? — Name withheld by request

Dear No Kinda/Sorta/Maybe Means No: An argument for why?!!? Sure! “Is there a reason every single sex act between/betwixt you and I has to be accompanied by a commercially produced film that, yes, just happens to have one guy delivering pizza to another guy who left his wallet somewhere else and can’t think of any way to pay other than a friendly massage?”

Like I’ve said, though dharma gates are endless and you can find meaning anywhere, the tendency to politicize sexual activity, though sexual activity is not above being politicized, usually leads to less than erotic outcomes. Sex is/can be mysterious, mystifying, magical. Or it could very much not be. Being force fed any kind of pornography, really, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, seems to be missing the point in total though.

The point in total though? The best action in the room shouldn’t be on the screen.

Slow Poke

EUGENE, SIR: I read you all the time and have yet to see you address the problem I’m having. We’ve been married three years and while most complain about partners who are too fast my partner is way too slow. He also thinks that this is sexy and attractive and has some pride in being able to go all night. My vagina is not interested in all night. So how do I communicate this without seeming like I’ve been miserable the past three years? — Kath From Bath

Dear Bath Beach: Overthinking this might not be the way to get the best result here. But first: He’s not too slow. No matter who is saying this, I often think this is the wrong way to think about it. You have a timing variance and nothing wrong with addressing it but “fault” is not the way to get there.

Right now he thinks he is doing something that meets with your approval. And perhaps it did once. The issue — that it doesn’t now — reflects that sex works best when it varies, maybe. So … let it vary! Create a circumstance that favors your pace and rewards him for meeting it. How? Well, I’m not there but indicate that short and intense has a requisite level of hot for you that allowed you to put up/post the kind of orgasm that overshadows whatever he’s seen before.

Unless he’s a complete clod, he’ll get it.

I’m sure there is a school of thought that would castigate me for thinking this is a problem that you alone should be fixing and you, in a very adult way, should bring it up in conversation during a nonsexual interlude and come to a conclusion together about how to address the “issue.”

That school of thought probably also has a sizable investment in divorce attorneys and marriage counselors. This is a delicate business. Like bomb defusing. Cavalier approaches to bomb disposal will be met with similar ends when applied to your still-taking-shape marriage.

So: Listen to me. Don’t listen to them. And good luck!

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