Is the Sex Solution Worse Than the Sex Problem? - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Is the Sex Solution Worse Than the Sex Problem?

Is the Sex Solution Worse Than the Sex Problem?

By Eugene S. Robinson



Because life's too short to spend too much time being stupid.

By Eugene S. Robinson


EUGENE, SIR: We’ve been dating for about three years and were thinking about taking that next step — or rather, I was. But we started to have an argument. At first, it was just a fantasy argument. Then it turned real. My potential fiancée is not interested in anal sex. I have had anal sex before and so it’s not necessary. But a friend of ours got caught going to a sex worker for something that his wife would not do, or that he did not want to do with his wife, and that’s where the argument started. I mean, we outsource a lot in relationships, right? I hate to give back rubs so she goes and gets massages. How is this different? — Charles

Dear Mr. In Charge: First of all, if you’re backing your busted friend’s play, you’re busted. If you had only cut that above sentence in half, excising “or that he did not want to do with his wife,” you might have had something. But his inability or unwillingness to share all of his crusty, crazy secrets with his wife stinks of a fear that’s to his discredit. He might believe he has a clear idea of what his wife would be willing to try, but I am 100 percent sure he has no real idea. And if he had communicated his kink, he might have found himself pleasantly surprised.

But he hasn’t, so he won’t.

Which brings us to you. You do realize that these Cosmo mag, what-if arguments are pointless and a sure sign that you two have nothing better to do, don’t you? But while I say pointless, that doesn’t mean they are not also necessary. If for no other reason than to see how you weather pointlessness.

But it’s better to have these discussions now, rather than after 18 years of marriage when you suddenly decide you resent her for the lack of anal sex in your life. So now, after three years, but before marriage, you are left negotiating anal sex, and while it’s a curious take that one should be able to go to a sex worker for that which you desire but your partner won’t provide, no one could say here that you were not warned.

In fact, that’s probably why you were warned. This has nothing to do with sex workers and everything to do with her interest in having your penis in her anus. An interest that seems nonexistent now. Things might change, but this is the moment for you to decide how much you care if they don’t. Sorry I couldn’t help you win your argument — I was too busy trying to save your relationship.


EUGENE, SIR: As a trans man who is heterosexual, I’d like to extend some information to cisgender heteronormative men: Stop expecting us to help you and your bi-curiosity. We will not be used to lessen your “gayness.” Deal with it. — Buck

Dear Mr. Fuller: Thanks for writing. I had not known that this was a problem, but, of course, considering that humans are involved, it’s bound to happen that there’d be a problem. But your point is well taken. And excuse me for laughing, but the concept of someone lessening their gayness in any way, shape or form, other than ceasing to have sex with gay people, is just funny. Oy, humans!


EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I have used X-rated films as part of our lovemaking for the last decade without incident, but now we have also done it long enough that he’s started to see patterns to what I like to watch. The fact that I like to watch women together more often than I like to watch women and men has made him paranoid in a weird way, since he’s now convinced I want to have sex with a woman and offers to bring another woman in and jokes about it a lot. I hadn’t noticed that I like to watch women together more often, by the way. That’s just what he says. The results now are that I actually feel uncomfortable having any porn on, but he doesn’t. So now I’m just always uncomfortable. Quick hints on how to fix? — Name withheld by request

Dear Edgy: I can think of lots of quick “hints.” I suspect your objective, however, is to fix and flame your relationship. Funny thing about paranoia, though: One person catches it and everyone catches it. Like a virus. So he’s just sitting around one day and the thought eases into his head, “Hey, we’ve been watching a lot of girl-on-girl porn.” From here, the deeper ramifications of what this could mean — and never anything overwhelmingly positive — start to take root. He brings it up, thereby injecting it into your head. He brings it up in order to process it, and that’s how he ends up with the other women, something I am guessing he’s not mentioned before. Now you’re thinking that maybe you’re no longer attractive enough, which is sort of his thought about himself, and you’re touchy.

Now, like a bad smell, being touchy is everywhere. He tries to deal with it with humor. Ham-handedly. And, no surprise here, it doesn’t work. Leaving you to write me.

The solution is that someone has to drop a clarity bomb so that you can reset and get around this downward spiral of weirdness. People change, yes, but if you had been interested in women, you wouldn’t have tried to communicate this by hoping he’d hone in on your porn-viewing choices. So? So, maybe he can shut his freaking pie hole and stop being weird. For a change? Will this work? No idea, but someone’s got to say it. Have that someone be YOU.

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