I Want My Sex Worker Arrested! - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because two wrongs, one right and a thwarted wrong doesn’t make any of it right. Right?

By Eugene S. Robinson

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Clean, Sober + Blabby

EUGENE, SIR: I had a drinking problem for years and did a lot I’m not proud of. A lot of that involved sex, sometimes with the partners of friends. I want to make amends. They say that the truth will set you free, so I think I will start that way. Some friends are warning me against it, but during the lockdown I have been doing lots of thinking and it still makes sense to me and seems like a necessary part of my recovery. My therapist agrees. Do you? — Coming Clean

Dear CC Rider: I don’t. While your friends who had to witness your struggles with alcohol are probably delighted to see you get a handle on it, I bet none of them would be delighted to have your success accompanied by revelations that will most likely end their lives as they know them.

Sure, you could be convinced that what you present them with is a fix to a relationship built on sand, but that’s your take, which serves your purposes. Researchers conducted a study that suggested undiscovered affairs are not damaging to the long-term health of relationships. And there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that supports that study.

Is there a way for you to face up to how shitty of a person you were by being less of a shitty person? Sure! Confess, but be nonspecific in your confessions. Your friends are neither priests nor therapists. They deserve to have their journey left undamaged by your journey.

Side note: If one of the people you slept with is connected to your therapist, by all means tell your therapist about it. I mean, what do you pay them for anyway?

Snitches ’R’ Us

EUGENE, SIR: I think you’ve dealt with this situation before and I laughed it off at the time, but it’s just happened to me. My state has lifted shelter-at-home restrictions, so I was cruising online for escorts to celebrate with and I found one I like. We chatted online and I said something about being Latino and she canceled on account of she doesn’t “do Mexicans.” First off, I’m not Mexican, but how is this even a thing in 2020? And how much of a shithead move is it to turn her in? — Name withheld by request

Dear Tom Cruz: I don’t know what I said back then either. This column is eight years old, and before it I wrote sex columns for Mode (a magazine for plus-size women), a porn review site and a men’s fashion magazine. In that time I’ve probably answered 1,376 questions about penis size, 6,105 about premature ejaculation and at least half a dozen about sex-worker-inflicted wounds.

The reality is that some things never change. I’m assuming if you can turn her in, sex work is illegal in your state. You’d be turning her in not because you have a distaste for prostitution but because she exercised her right to refuse service to anyone. While this might have stung less had she not told you why she was rejecting your business, its stinging is no reason to punish her for a crime that you were all too willing to engage in seconds earlier.

I know cancel culture dictates that if you have the opportunity to blow someone out of the water for a slight, whether imagined or actual, you should take it. But in your case, what do you actually know?

Maybe her most recent ex was Mexican. Maybe she is Mexican and has some same-race animus fueled by God knows what. Maybe she was busted by a Mexican cop. There’s no way to know. Moreover, do you really want to have sex with someone, even a sex worker, who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

If you getting off was the objective, haven’t we already talked about it too much? Maybe. And maybe it makes sense to move on to a service provider who’s happy for your business. Or another way to look at it: She’s not rejecting you, you’re boycotting her.

Can a Woman Come Too Quickly Too?

EUGENE, SIR: I can orgasm in the first few minutes, but my man needs, well, what feels like an hour but is probably about 15 minutes. The real problem is that he wants to come inside me, but I am way too sensitive after I’ve climaxed to have him get off this way. He doesn’t always want me to finish him with my mouth, though. Are there positions that would help us? — SS

Dear Sexy Sadie: Rather than trying to find the magic bullet of a specific position, have you considered the macro issue of pacing? Maybe penetrative sex should be the last thing on the menu while you two swan dive into all kinds of non-penetrative sex play. Save the ending for the end and maybe that will improve things as sex is then less about waiting and much more about extending your pleasure zone, which, I would hope, is nothing like “excruciating.” Give it a try and let me know if it works. Good luck!

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