How to Tell the Difference Between Sex and a Sex Scam
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because ignorance, while the best of excuses, is no excuse.
An extra treat for column fans: Sex With Eugene, Live. Enjoy!
The Sweetest Taboo vs. the Safest Orgy
EUGENE, SIR: Despite COVID-19, lifestyle parties are up and running again. I’m planning on going to one in Sacramento. Prelim do’s and don’ts so I can have a good time and get my head out of lockdown mode? — Terry
Dear Terry + the Pirates: I know you’re hoping that I’ll sign off on this in a nonjudgmental way, but “orgies in Sacramento” are not anyone’s idea of essential services, outside of you and everyone else going, that is. I know, nothing will soften the urge to harden: neither earthquakes nor wars nor civil insurrections. People have to cross the road. Some look both ways before doing so, some don’t. Some make it across, and some won’t.
If you want to be one of the chickens that makes it across the road alive, you can do certain things that more or less guarantee that outcome. If you’re a chicken that likes to gamble, do none of those things. Given the choice between being the former or the latter, I’m choosing the cautious chicken.
Words like “patience” and “endurance” are words that speak of being able to attend future orgies versus being that guy about whom people say, “Hey, remember Terry?” My vote: Give it a few months. There’s nothing happening at orgies in July that won’t be happening at orgies in December.
How to Get Unscrewed
EUGENE, SIR: My friend drives a Rolls. He went on a business trip in March and asked me to car-sit for him. A few nights I took the Rolls out and drove to clubs. It’s funny how a car like that can make you; I got a lot of attention and got lucky. Fast-forward a few months, and one of my one-night stands is telling me she’s pregnant. Is there a way for me to establish paternity before the kid is born? Suffering for nine months isn’t my idea of fun. — Name withheld by request
Dear Pops: You don’t need me to lecture you about safe sex and the easy availability of condoms, right? Nor do I have to go all cautionary tale on you and explain that if the Brothers Grimm were contemporaries, they would have written a story, inspired by you, about the Boy Who Fronted, and boys and girls everywhere would be chilled and thrilled by the bedtime tale of the unwise and foolish young protagonist who let 30 seconds of condom-free fun turn into a lifetime of obligation.
Well, because you don’t need that from me, you won’t get that from me.
What you will get is an answer to your query, which is yes. There is a paternity test that can be delivered during pregnancy. It’s your basic DNA test and all it involves is a blood sample from the Rolls-Royce-loving mother and a cheek swab from the guy who’s about to have his pockets turned out over cash he only pretended to have. It can be done as early as seven weeks into the pregnancy, which is right about where it seems you are now.
That’s the good news.
The bad news is that getting a blood sample from someone who does not want to give you a blood sample is just about as hard as it sounds if you’re anyone other than Hannibal Lecter. So, well, you know, how the cookie crumbles and all that.…
EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend and I have never had anal sex before, and he’s afraid of hurting me. Knowing how big his penis is (or rather isn’t), I have no fears about that, which is partially why I want my first time to be with him. Any tips or tricks that you’d recommend for our first time out? —B.K.
Dear BK 2 the Fullest: All of the stuff you’ll find online is actually pretty useful. Water-based lubrication, latex condoms (there are also nonlatex vegan condoms if you find such a thing ethically necessary) and patience form the foundation of a good time. Something that online sources are not always so direct about is positional preference. Which makes sense since everyone is different and no one wants a letter that starts off with “Hey, because you said …”
That being said, if you’re on your back and your legs are lifted not only can you direct his entry but he’ll also be able to gauge, via facial feedback, whether it’s working or whether it’s time to abandon ship. The problem with this is its intentionality. You’d be surprised how many people have written that their first anal experience was “accidental.”
Presuming you don’t need to play such games with each other — and it sounds like you don’t — there’s no need for you to play prone and go the “oopsy–daisy” road. You two are planning on doing it, so get on your back and do it. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. So here’s hoping it turns out the way you desire!