How to Plan an Orgy - OZY | A Modern Media Company
Orgy

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because good sex is good, but great sex is better.

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Orgy Time

EUGENE, SIR: After going to a few swinging parties and finding them not so great, My husband and I have decided to have our own. Anything we should watch out for or plan to make it better instead of worse? The ones we went to just had lots of people there who we wouldn’t have had drinks with never mind sex with. So guest list control is what we are thinking but anything else? — C.S.

Dear Caligulette: Well, you’re on the right path. Plan it like you’re planning drinks and know that if you wouldn’t/didn’t want to have drinks with them you’re not going to enjoy having your mouth on their genitals. Once you get that down, provide a variety of surfaces, spaces and places. Pillows, soft things to lay on. Also think about smells. Two hours in a room or a series of room with groups of more than 10 will start to smell exactly like that. Especially without the cloaking benefits of clothing. Water is always good to have around. Pools. Hot tubs. Showers. 

If you have people there who are shy, try bowls of frozen fruit. To eat, suck on, or pass from mouth to mouth to break the ice and so on. Music too? Don’t have it suck. Nothing too intrusive, nothing so loud people can’t talk over it. Mostly couples too, with a smattering of single folks. Bowls of condoms. 

And most importantly as far as I am concerned: a firm start time after which straggles will not be let in. Good orgies are like good plays, concerts or pieces of music. They have a rhythm and flow and character and latecomers will screw that all up. And remember if you don’t get it all right the first time there’s always the second time. Good luck.

Honesty: The Best Failed Policy?

EUGENE, SIR: We have an honesty policy, since it seems like spending your time together bullshitting each other makes no sense at all. So we were at some party with friends of ours and my beau asks me if I wasn’t at the party with him which of the guys there would I go home with. I wasn’t even thinking when I answered and named this other friend of ours. Since then? We’ve been living in a living hell. We’re a tight-knit group and so spend lots of time together anyways. But if I go into the house to get some drinks at a barbecue or something, he’s right on top of me. I can’t breathe and can’t undo this, it seems. It also seems stupid to lose a good relationship over something like this. I told the truth and I think apologizing for the truth supports this idea that lying is actually an OK thing. I don’t know what to do but I can’t keep living like this. —“Jessica”

Dear If Truth Be Told: There’s truth. And then there is honesty. If I tell you that today is Friday, and it happens to be, I have told you the truth. The truth is easy like that. He asks you who you’d sleep with if he wasn’t there, a query as stupid as any Cosmo quiz ever, precisely because an honest answer might hurt a bit, and you give an honest answer and you’re screwed.

A truthful answer, the smarter answer, goes something like this: “no one.” Falling as it does under the purview of “future events as yet unknown,” it is truthful. And not at all hurtful. Is it honest? Well, “honesty” requires you to play the odds, prognosticate a little and, in this instance, trick you into asking the question he didn’t have the guts to really ask, and that’s “who do you like here enough to screw who is not me?”

This required you to weigh some pluses, minuses and actually consider who that might be. You answer quickly, it means you already thought about it. Your answer comes slowly? It means you are thinking about it. Either or both of which place him on the express train to Huffville. Which is where he is now. But this is part of honesty. My belief, though? If you want to hold truck with honesty, you must be tough — and part of that toughness has to do with outlasting stuff like this. He will either relax or he won’t. If he does? Lesson learned. If he doesn’t? There’s always a door. But for future reference? Stick to the truth. Honesty is for suckers.

 

 

 
 
 

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