How to Have Sex With a Celebrity: A Beginner's Guide
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
By Eugene S. Robinson
Mistakes Were Made
EUGENE, SIR: I don’t know much about the popular local sports where I am, but I recently started seeing a guy I met who was tall, handsome and very fit. When I asked him what he did, he didn’t lie but said something like “gaming.” Which I believed. I guessed it was a good job because he was busy a lot of the time and I’m very busy myself (I’m a product manager at a big tech company) so we met at strange times. Then I saw the billboard. Where I learned that he is famous (he used his real name when we met and not the name he’s famous under). I’m still not a fan of his sport but have discovered without looking very hard that he is married with children, and I feel terrible. I was tricked into something that violates a lot of what I believe in. So the next step is not what do I do now since I am clearly going to end it, but what’s the best way to communicate to him that this is not OK? Tell him I know, tell his wife, or say nothing and just ghost him? Answers soon-ish please. — Of Two Minds
Dear Take Two: First off, ignorance of your local sports celebrity roster is no crime. So don’t feel bad about that.
I had an ex once who ran into Brad Pitt while buying dog food. He came up to her and started chatting. She doesn’t dig on movies but knew he looked familiar. She asked him if they had gone to high school together. He smiled and said that they had not. She shrugged and moved on down the aisle. After he left the store, all of the pet food folks lost their minds. But, even after they told her who he was? She didn’t know who he was. Which is what makes that story so great.
But in your case? If you live where I suspect you do, you have baseball, basketball, football and hockey teams to consider. That’s a lot and even in the spirit of due diligence once you’re sure he’s not a serial killer how deep were you supposed to go with your search given that a casual search under his real name might have offered scant clues?
Your issue now though is what to do now that you know. While ghosting him would probably be incredibly satisfying, the likelihood of running into each other again is high enough to argue against this. If it seems like a “next move,” you’re still playing the game.
The scorched earth angle of telling the wife? It doesn’t seem like making someone innocent feel worse will make you feel better, will it?
Leaving the zero bullshit option of explaining to him how what happened, happened. Kind of just like you laid it out here. Explain that you don’t need an apology but you’ll be returning to your life, sans him, bid him adieu and wish him luck in his future snake-y ventures. He may have any variety of explanations to offer, but the reality is, as you suggest: If you had known about his wife and kids, none of this would have happened.
And then once free of him, all you have to resist is telling folks like me who he is. Unless you really wanted to tell me who he is. In which case your secret, about who he is, would totally be safe with me. And my agent.
How Clean Is too Clean?
EUGENE, SIR: I know having my partner wash if we’ve been enjoying anal sex and wish to return to vaginal sex during the same session makes sense, but I want them to wash going both ways. Does this make much sense or is it overkill? — Is Clean Mean?
Dear Squeaky: First: Let no one tell you that wanting whatever you’re having put in your body enter your body in a way most to your liking is “overkill.” You don’t just let anyone wander into your house, car, life without some kind of vetting, and this should be no different. But I’m guessing you’re asking about it in the medical sense so I’d take this occasion to remind folks that while I am not a doctor I know doctors and according to one of them, after they shrugged and stared at me: “um … nothing wrong with being too clean. But is it necessary to preventing disease? Or rather, are there diseases that would be prevented by doing this? Sure. If it makes you happy.”
I think what that was all about was that sex is like skiing, an assumed risk. You might get hurt. Or? You might have a great time but taking precautions never killed anyone.
EUGENE, SIR: My penis is 11 inches and before you start with the jokes I need to say that I’m not telling you that to brag but because I’m having problems that I don’t want to ask my doctor now (he knows how big my penis is) and I need some sense of whether it’s just me or the world. But sex hurts me and it seems like it’s hurting the people I’m having sex with and then there are side problems like after sex it sticks to my underwear and gets torn when I try to pull it off to urinate. Women get breast reduction, is there such a thing as penis reduction? — Name withheld by request
Dear Mr. Long John: Sorry. I couldn’t resist. In any case, the surgery reduction you’re asking about is very real and can be used to address any number of medical issues from those suffering from macropenis (your issue it seems) to genital lymphedema where the penis swells. Your urologist would actually be of significant help here, so get a referral to one or ask the one you have.
Curiously, and maybe not so surprisingly, the first successful penis reduction happened in 2015. The owner of aforementioned penis, a 17-year-old, stretched the tape at 7 inches long and 10 inches around. When not erect.
So ask for help. It’s out there. Good luck.