Honesty, Its Failures + Testicles - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Honesty, Its Failures + Testicles

Honesty, Its Failures + Testicles

By Eugene S. Robinson

Two men drinking beer at a bar.


Because they don’t sell YOU sexy. You sell THEM sexy.

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Straight Up

EUGENE, SIR: I was hanging out with a friend of mine. We had been drinking. He had been saying we should go out and get some head. I borrowed a line that was supposed to have come from John Lennon in a similar circumstance and said, “Yeah. But I don’t want to wait.” He kind of laughed it off but now a week later things are still a little weird. I think he’s being kind of old-fashioned about this. Fixes?  —Jamie

Dear Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut: So you made a pass for penis and your pass for penis was not positively received? And the pass receiver feels a little “funny” now? Funny. You know there have been people who have murdered people while drunk, and you’re asking me how to fix a failed pass? Here’s my advice: Forget about it. 

You suggested he blow you and he’s taking offense? He should have taken offense the last 10 times you asked for rides to the airport, so yes, I think he’s being a little old-fashioned. UNLESS you’re not telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you asked him like Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? Repeatedly, forcefully and with your pants off? He might have grounds for feeling a little uneasy come Monday. 

In any case, homosexual panic is what it is, and jogging him out of it shouldn’t be your job even if you’re the one who panicked him. Mostly because it’ll never work. If someone’s panicking, telling them to “calm down” never works. Waiting it out? Might. But why is it only dudes making passes at friends? In my entire time sitting under the “Help 5 Cents” sign, I’ve only heard of a woman doing this ONE time. Know your audience, my man. Know your audience.


Honesty: The Best Failed Policy?

EUGENE, SIR: We have an honesty policy, since it seems like spending your time together bullshitting each other makes no sense at all. So we were at some party with friends of ours and my beau asks me if I wasn’t at the party with him which of the guys there would I go home with. I wasn’t even thinking when I answered and named this other friend of ours. Since then? We’ve been living in a living hell. We’re a tight-knit group and so spend lots of time together anyways. But if I go into the house to get some drinks at a barbecue or something, he’s right on top of me. I can’t breathe and can’t undo this, it seems. It also seems stupid to lose a good relationship over something like this. I told the truth and I think apologizing for the truth supports this idea that lying is actually an OK thing. I don’t know what to do but I can’t keep living like this. —“Jessica”

Dear If Truth Be Told: There’s truth. And then there is honesty. If I tell you that today is Friday, and it happens to be, I have told you the truth. The truth is easy like that. He asks you who you’d sleep with if he wasn’t there, a query as stupid as any Cosmo quiz ever, precisely because an honest answer might hurt a bit, and you give an honest answer and you’re screwed.

A truthful answer, the smarter answer, goes something like this: “no one.” Falling as it does under the purview of “future events as yet unknown,” it is truthful. And not at all hurtful. Is it honest? Well, “honesty” requires you to play the odds, prognosticate a little and, in this instance, trick you into asking the question he didn’t have the guts to really ask, and that’s “who do you like here enough to screw who is not me?”

This required you to weigh some pluses, minuses and actually consider who that might be. You answer quickly, it means you already thought about it. Your answer comes slowly? It means you are thinking about it. Either or both of which place him on the express train to Huffville. Which is where he is now. But this is part of honesty. My belief, though? If you want to hold truck with honesty, you must be tough — and part of that toughness has to do with outlasting stuff like this. He will either relax or he won’t. If he does? Lesson learned. If he doesn’t? There’s always a door. But for future reference? Stick to the truth. Honesty is for suckers.

Having a Ball

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend likes to play with my testicles when we’re messing around. Her favorite thing in the world is to have them in her mouth. Just writing what I just wrote makes me uncomfortable. It does not give me so much pleasure outside of the obvious pleasure it gives her, but I’m slightly ticklish and they’re delicate enough that this just panics me. I’ve mentioned this before and she has mentioned that they don’t seem to bother me when I am playing football, which is true. But this is very different. She says exes of hers haven’t had this problem. Making me want to ask if there is much variation in testicle sensitivity? —Russell

Dear Nuggets: If there is a change in how sensitive your testicles are, this could be the canary in the testicular coal mine and should be looked into, as it could be the sign of symptoms much more serious. And yes: I did just say “canary in the testicular coal mine.” However, it sounds like you’re not having pain or irregular sensitivity issues but more that you’re just uneasy about testicle play. Could be trust issues, I don’t know. A good shrink would tell you to breathe deeply and relax a bit. I’m no shrink so I’ll just say, if you trust her enough to let her mouth near the rest of your privates, you should start trying to relax through this too. Who knows? You might like it.

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