Genital Jewelry’s Dirty Little Secret

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.com You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Much Ado About Not Much

EUGENE, SIR: I have friends who are piercers, I am pierced and so is my man, but something at this point that I think needs to be said, and this is only after having read tons of shit about it that’s simply untrue: [Piercing] doesn’t improve sex any more than a nice pair of shoes might. If you want to do it, do it. But let’s stop with the horseshit about it “improving” sex. It does not. – Words From the Wise

Dear Wisenheimer: I blame the internet. The internet and the perpetual sounding board it offers for whatever errant thought might flit across the landscape of snark and a desire to offer unsolicited advice to all and sundry. By which I mean: YOU.

Because really, what happened here is that you were walking around and you saw, read, overheard someone saying something slightly silly about their piercing — really just a pretext to advance a narrative that they are cool somehow … not that bad of an impulse always — and you decided to own this narrative by proxy.

And the only reason I’m addressing it here — especially since you asked no question but instead offered advice to an advice column — is because I’m seeing an epidemic of buttinsky-ism that really just needs a little corrective framing. If some of your fellow citizens want to believe that Spanish fly makes you horny? Or that the raised dots on condoms for “her” pleasure work? Or even that penis pumps can make your lover’s penis 10 inches long … why would it matter to you?

In any case, my public advocacy these days is limited to this column, not blasting through yellow lights when driving and paying my taxes on time. I suggest that while you might be correct in this instance, that you find another hobby other than joy killing.

Boy-Girl-Boy Bafflement!

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I have decided to spice things up a bit, and being the mensch he is, he’s OK with us starting with a threesome with another man as our third. He gets to pick the guy, but he knows what I like, so that’s not my concern. I’m more worried because I have no idea what to do. Do I focus on my husband first and then the other, or … what’s the protocol exactly? Or is there one? – Name withheld by request

Dear Three on a Tree: Protocol? Exactly. There is no protocol, and when you’re pulling away from the shore without a map, would it be your belief that you actually need one? Not necessarily, but there are some observational issues that it might help you to consider.

First, the numbers and the distribution of penis at your party. Unless your husband is specifically bi-curious (please establish prior to partying), you have twice as much of everything, while your guest has half as much of what he’d usually have. This suggests to me somehow that in a non-bi-curious boy-girl-boy outing, that the additional man is there to service YOU.

And because of that, you should sit/lie back and enjoy the ride. If you’re prone to mimic what you’ve seen in pornos, know that you don’t necessarily need to do this either. The women having this kind of sex in porno films are being paid and therefore are working. You, unless cameras are rolling and you signed a contract, are not.

So the other man should be employed in the same way that you would employ a sex toy since he has, at least the first time, no measure more significant than your partner does. And therein lies the answer: Do what you’d normally do with your partner and use the sex toy in the way that you would were it to be inanimate versus very animate.

This should at least let you two acclimate to a different experience. Also, as always, I’d advise talking about this a lot before setting sail. Cover the details so that when it’s party time, all you have to think about is not thinking and just enjoying the partying. Outside of that? Good luck.

Positional Democracy?

EUGENE, SIR: We’re having an argument over positions. What feels great for him bores me and what feels great for me bores him. I’m not a fan of him being behind me and he says he gets too tired face-to-face in the missionary position. We’re in our mid-60s … is there a middle position that you can think of that we’d both like? – Xine

Dear Crosstine: This seems to be the dawning of the age of entrenchment. Did this start when people realized that compromise wasn’t rewarded or respected? Or did it start after years of resolute characters saying movie stuff like “This won’t stand!” while staring determinedly out into the mid-distance? And finally, when did it start trying to resolve itself in our holiest of holies: the bedroom?

I mean to answer your question, briefly, sure. There are probably lots of other positions you two could find that would satisfy the both of you at the same time. But only if you’re willing to move beyond the intractability of philosophical viewpoints that I suspect you’re both embracing in order to “win.”

But here’s something to ask yourselves: What’s won by winning this way?

Sex, when done well, is play and exploration. When you’re writing me, it’s almost like you’re appealing to a jury of other readers with me as a judge. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind. But I’d like it much more if you got about the serious business of moving sex beyond gamesmanship but having a lot of it, making mistakes on the way and having a blast on discovering what you both truly like.

Yeah?

Unless you really want to dump each other and this “argument” is just a pretext for doing so. In which case, I’d thank you for the email and wish you better luck in future ventures.

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