Fit to Be Tied - OZY | A Modern Media Company
Fit to be tied


Because if you don’t? Someone much sexier than you will.

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now:

Tying One On

EUGENE, SIR: We’re into bondage. But the other day my man tied me to a chair and left. He didn’t come back for four hours. I was beyond angry. He says I’m being unreasonable; I say he’s being an ass. Am I right? — John

Dear Mr. Bond: How exactly were you supposed to communicate your safe word if he wasn’t around to hear it communicated? And what about a house fire? A medical event? Robbery? Screw that. I’m with you on this one. You know how I know? Because even though I don’t know whether he’s a switch or not, I do know there’s no way he’d go for this. An hour? Maybe. Four hours? Nooo …


Driving Hard Bargains

EUGENE, SIR: My fiancee — we’ve been engaged for a little over a year and are getting married this fall — said that she’ll let me have anal sex with her on one condition: I let her use a dildo on me first. She thinks it’s necessary for me to appreciate exactly how it should best be done. I think it should also be said that she likes anal sex. So this is not a conditional thing. She wants to do it but needs me to have it done to me before she’ll let me do it to her. Nonnegotiable. Thoughts? — FZ

Dear Breathe Deeply: Thoughts? Ha-ha, yes! The first one being: You’re fucked. Or put another way: You’re stuck between a dildo and a hard place … with a dildo. But let me make the claim that maybe you’re thinking about this the wrong way and maybe if you tried it, you’d like it. You know, essentially all the things men say to women when they’re trying to get away with the same. 

But sex is not really, or shouldn’t be, about “getting away” with stuff. It should be fun and enjoyed by all and I’m going to have to think she wants this to happen to conquer a queer-phobic anal fear that once conquered would make you a better lover. Who is also not gay. But, I’ll say here, like I’d say if you were her and she were you: Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Though, it should be noted, people will pursue their interests, even if you’re not there to pursue them with them. So think this over. What you say no to today, could be your enemy tomorrow.

Butt Bomb

EUGENE, SIR: My fiancee, we’ve been together three years, told me that she finds the idea of anal sex repulsive and will never do it. I asked her what she meant by ”never” and she said “it’s not going to happen.” Then she went on to say ”if you think it’s so great let me use a dildo on you and you can tell me how great it is.” So I agreed. Outside of some discomfort at first, it was actually pretty enjoyable. I’m a good guy and after that I didn’t say anything like “your turn” but mostly because I could see there was some other problem. Which was? Apparently she now thinks I might be gay. Even if I wasn’t gay, she said she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life “being the man.” She also will still not do anal, she says. I love her and at this point don’t even want or need anal from her. I just want things to go back to the way they were before we got here. Help. —name withheld by request

Dear Back Asswards: You, dear sir, are screwed. Screwed in a “let me count the ways” way. I’m no psychiatrist but it may be that she could be projecting her anxieties about your pending nuptials on anything and everything connected to said nuptials. In order to? In order to stall out of going ahead with those nuptials. Any firm proclamation about what one will or won’t do in the sexual arena is going to be a drag in any case. I mean yes, people are entitled to have likes and dislikes, but you don’t need to be a genius to figure out that green eggs and ham style if you try something new it may not be as hateful as you’ve first guessed. If it is, and it’s something your partner can’t help you through, then maybe the both of you agree together to bypass it in favor of something else that floats your boats. Semi-simple.

As for the gay panic afoot now because she did it to you and you liked it? Well, that’s a bell that can’t be un-rung and if you want my honest opinion, I know you love her, but she sounds like a real pain in the ass, man. (See what I just did there?) Sex, even bondage, is fundamentally liberating, and this sounds like anything but. This sounds like tension, anxiety, fear and all things that you both need a therapist to get to the bottom of. I suspect this can’t be fixed but love will make you try. Good luck.

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