Who Among Us Has Not Seduced the Pool Boy? - OZY | A Modern Media Company

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because sometimes the best part of temptation is yielding to it.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

On Your Marks! Get Set! Stop!

EUGENE, SIR: Let’s say you are going to Pound Town and you feel it’s coming to an end far too soon. She’s loving, it but you know she’s going to be disappointed. Do you try to slow down, maybe say you need a drink of water and then try to go back to baseline? Or do you just go for that last hurrah and give it your all without thinking about the consequences? — Pots and Pans

Dear Spic ’N’ Span: Let’s back into this. I’d say that there are two conditions under which going for the hurrah makes sense. No. 1: If you never intend or even hope to be invited back, then end with a Neil Diamond–esque flourish and bid your partner adieu, confident in the fact that you are guilty of loving not poorly but unwisely. Actually, poorly too, but since you didn’t care in the moment, why start caring now?

No. 2: If you’re an oral sex demon, get to oral sexing immediately post-orgasm. If you’re one of those guys who’s weirded out by the possibility of a mouthful of his own semen, that most likely means one of two things: You weren’t wearing a condom — shame on you — or you need to get over it. Sex is not for the squeamish.

It should be noted that I’m not suggesting you do what grosses you out. I’m suggesting you narrow the range of what grosses you out.

But these micro-fixes — and I haven’t even suggested the scrotum tug, which is a casual way to reset the orgasm counter — don’t address the real issue: that sex doesn’t end when it ends for you. At least, not if you’re any kind of decent lover.

Here’s a sports metaphor to help you get what I mean in an easily digestible format: The game doesn’t stop until both teams score. Got it? Good. Now get out there! And “win”!

The Cuckold Strut

EUGENE, SIR: I saw your Twitter commentary on the fall of Jerry Falwell Jr. and his involvement in a seven-year cuckolding arrangement in which he filmed his wife and a 20-year-old pool boy having sex. This is what always upsets me about progressives. Why are you making fun of Falwell? If that’s his jam, what business is it of yours? I expected more from you of all people. — Glass Houses

Dear Throwing Stones: Oh, this story was the textbook definition of a howler. First the rum-and-Coke, unzipped fly, Trailer Park Boys piss-take on the yacht photo, which Falwell Bill Clinton’ed his way out of. Then the Pool Boy Chronicles, in which Falwell’s wife allegedly seduced a 20-year-old pool boy into a relationship that involved Falwell attending for the purposes of video documentation.

I have zero problems with any of that.

Being hypocritical and miserly are what Falwell is being roasted for.

But I’m not the president of a Christian university and the namesake of the man who co-founded the Moral Majority, an evangelical PAC, and who would definitely frown on such activities as satanic.

It’s not threesomes, cuckolding or voyeurism that I have a problem with. It’s hypocrisy. Because, like Eliot Spitzer, if Falwell had not been outed, you can bet he’d be castigating people publicly for that which he enjoyed privately. And that sucks.

Something else that sucks? He really got popped because he had promised to help the 20-year-old start a foundation. When Falwell reneged on helping, the 20-year-old insisted. I am mystified that people of means haven’t figured out yet that, like Dylan used to say, you have to pay to keep from going through all these things twice (we’re looking at you, Tiger Woods).

So being hypocritical and miserly are what Falwell is being roasted for. And he deserves every bit of the heat he’s taking. Oh yeah, and trying to peg the kid as a blackmailer? I guess Falwell folded on that gambit when he realized, as I’ve said here many a time, video is forever.

STDs 4 U + Me!

EUGENE, SIR: Speaking of infidelity: Are there any venereal diseases that you can get without having intercourse? — Name withheld by request

Dear Wellll … : Actually, yes. Five to be precise: chlamydia, hepatitis B, herpes, HPV and trichomoniasis. They can be transmitted via sharing food, lip balm, towels, needles, sheets or clothing; French-kissing; frottage; oral sex; hand jobs; blood transfusions — i.e., basically anything where bodily fluids are exchanged. Which includes what seem to me like fairly esoteric ways of getting STDs such as, for example, mosquito bites.

That takes care of those five and whatever excuses might be connected to how they were obtained and who did what to obtain them.

However, according to every available medical journal, there are three, and only three, STDs, or venereal diseases, that are transmitted exclusively through sexual contact: gonorrhea, syphilis and genital warts.

To put a finer point on it: No one would or should believe that you got STDs any other way than the way most people want to deny having gotten them. In other words if you get those three? You’re busted.

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