Facial Obsessions - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Facial Obsessions

Facial Obsessions

By Eugene S. Robinson

How can I get my husband to take me seriously?


Because NOT caring is not an option when it comes to matters of the heart. And genitalia.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Mellow Coconut Oils

EUGENE, SIR: I want my husband to come on my face but I have no idea how to ask for this. I mean, again. I asked once before and he laughed it off. Since then I think I have gotten obsessed with it but don’t want to be laughed at again. We have a loving and respectful relationship and this in no way would be a departure from that. It’s not like I want him to call me a whore or anything like that. But I guess he doesn’t think so. It’s a small thing quickly becoming a big thing. How can I get him to take me seriously about this?   —  Tina

 Dear Helen Gurley Brown: Traditionally what I’ve heard tell works to a high degree of success versus failure is the intro that when accompanied by much lip licking, sultry speak, and the shooting of copulatory gazes goes a little something like this: “You know what I think would be really…..sexy?”

By the time you hit that question mark most are not only at full attention but unable to distinguish reasonable from unreasonable. So the answering of your own question could range from ”you emptying the garbage” to ”you coming on my face.” If he laughs after that absolutely do not let him off the hook by acting like you’re joking because you are absolutely NOT joking, if your query is to be believed. If he does not come through after this, he never will. And he doesn’t? There are many who absolutely would. Though I’d not advise ruining your marriage but I’m just saying….


Bigger Than Big?

EUGENE, SIR: I let my girlfriend borrow my laptop for some work she needed to do while hers was getting fixed. After I got it back, in the “recent history” folder I could see she had been cruising some porn. The porn she had been cruising was almost exclusively big dick porn. I do not actually have a big dick. So, I get it. But recently I found this penis prosthetic that would add an inch plus on the end and about a 1/16th of an inch around and goes on like a condom. Does this work?  —  name withheld

Dear Meat v. Motion: You know there had been a time when plastic surgeons were prided on the basis of them plying their trade in a way that was most occult. In other words, they were having a successful day if people whose faces they were changing could make it through the world without it being known that their faces had changed. Then Michael Jackson and 1980’s porn hit and like wearing clothes with price tags still on, it became all about people very definitely KNOWING that you had had some plastic surgery done.

This works just about everywhere but penile prosthetics. Which is, yes, a thing. However, under no circumstance should you look this up on Google. (You have been warned.) Especially since the sleeve you’re describing, while it is prosthetic-like, is very different from the ones you’ll find if you look this up online. The aftermarket sleeve you’re describing is more of a novelty item sold to the unwitting and witless who are confused, deeply, about vaginas. 

Which is to say if you’re hoping to hornswoggle the vagina and the owner of the vagina into believing that suddenly your heretofore undersized penis is now an oversized penis? You’re grossly mistaken about how this all works. Part of the appeal of a large penis is visual, which builds an anticipation to the intercourse that subsequently happens. This sleeve will not pass the visual test, which will lead to laughter, which is very specifically not what you’re hoping for I’d guess. It will also not pass the use test, as the extendo-tip bends in ways that the normal penis does not.

How do I know? Because I went that extra mile and tried one out for you. Hence: me calling bullshit on it. Performance-enhancing sex drugs will help you make the most of what you’ve got though, not much more, but a little, but realistically speaking your girlfriend’s kink, if she’s still with you, could just be a ”nice to have” and not a “must have”. Our advice, which you actually didn’t ask for is this: make believe you saw nothing, do the best with what you’ve got and hope for the best, while expecting the worse. 

Violence Most Sexy

EUGENE, SIR: I discovered something strange about myself. We were coming home one night, and I got into some shit with another guy over a parking space. I threatened to kick his ass and actually slapped him a few times before people broke us up. I am not proud of this but it happened. When we got upstairs my partner was all over me. Violence as a turn-on is nothing I had ever considered and it clearly works but is there anyway I can, like, bottle this, without running the very real risk of getting my ass kicked in the not-so-distant future?  —  Rocky 

Dear Rambo: No. And that’s what’s so exciting about it. The fistic gamble. But while winning, gets you a little more sexy time. Losing? Well, you know…I suggest you take up Pro Wrestling. This might work and if not, at least you’ll get some spandex tights out it.

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