WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because happiness is so … confusing.
By Eugene S. Robinson
A GIFT OF THE MAGI DEAL. BUT WITH PENIS
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 58 and recently divorced. Since the divorce, I’ve had a number of lovers, ranging in age from 46 to 65, who have difficulty climaxing. WTF is this about? The man I’m seeing now is 64 and never climaxes. Another was 53 and could only climax by his own hand. I’ve seen this in OK Cupid profiles too. One of the questions is whether you orgasm easily, with skill and a little patience, or not at all. Several men say the middle option — and sometimes add not to worry about it, that they’re having fun regardless. I have a hard time understanding how that can be true. And how is the recipient of multiple orgasms supposed to feel about their partner having none? Note: I haven’t had sex with a man who has a regular orgasm in such a long time that I can’t even remember when. — Vicky
Dear Darling Vicky: Big Pharma is going to kill me for this, especially since it’s single-handedly responsible for ragingly randy middle-age men still being able to get it up, but I’m going to have to blame it for this as well. Specifically, antidepressants.
My understanding of this is not just anecdotal. Ten years ago, a friend whispered to me, when we could still stand close enough to each other to whisper, “I can have sex for hours now.” Apparently his victory over premature ejaculation had come at diabolical price: While being able to have sex for hours, he was denied final release because he could not orgasm.
It started right around the time he started taking antidepressants. At his AA meeting, he met a few other men who reported the same thing. But for him, going off antidepressants was a nonstarter. Without antidepressants, he had been institutionalized, and there was very little fun sex happening at the psychiatric facility. With antidepressants, he was not institutionalized and he could have plenty of sex with partners who were generally happy that premature ejaculation was the least of their worries.
Did he tell them? No. He had once explained that he was anorgasmic, but there was subsequent pressure to stop taking the antidepressants, so he never mentioned it again.
How does he explain his lack of orgasm, then? It would be a terrible thing to not explain, leaving partners to feel somehow inadequate. Simple: He faked orgasm.
This sounds like an extremely crappy solution to me, but it works for him.
If you understand that it’s a hard, personal choice these men are making that has very little to do with you, you might be able to see your way through it. But if you’re starting to miss having a partner who is enjoying giving and receiving pleasure, I might suggest men who are not depressed.
This should not be hard. A 60-year-old man who is recently divorced might have many good reasons for being depressed. And if he’s announcing this in his dating profile you now know exactly what it might mean.
You know who I find very rarely depressed? Men who cheat on their partners. In general, they seem to be pretty happy with themselves. So the way seems to be clear. Sans the moral, ethical angle. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: For the past few years, and right up to before the pandemic hit, I was hit up a lot — when I say “a lot,” I mean four times — by white guys offering me their wives/partners. As long as there’s no bi-curiosity on their part, I’m fine with this, sorta, but can I protect myself legally if things go south? Or rather, how do I protect myself? — Bulls-R-Me
Dear Bully Boy: Yeah, it’s one thing for people to read about fantasies that they then entertain. It’s something else entirely, as I’ve said before, to see it unfold in front of you in living color. So that would be No. 1: Avoid couples who “have never done this before.” They’re either lying — and why would they need to do that? — or they’re telling the truth and there’s no telling how they’ll respond when it’s going down.
And though I’m using the word “they,” I really mean “him.” Dude flips out mid-scenario and tries to kill you? Your protections are few. But there are a few practical things to be done to protect yourself. Meet them in public venues where you could be viewed by any number of people we’ll later call “witnesses.” Communicate with them via email or texts or ways that can forensically be tied back to you all having a preexisting connection. And finally, nothing good can come from having the man standing behind you or anywhere out of your line of sight.
These are not legal precautions — I’m not a lawyer — as much as they are practical ones. And good of you to proceed with caution here. Humans are notoriously dangerous and unreliable. Now be careful out there.
THE MEANING OF MAN-ON-MAN MOVIES
EUGENE, SIR: My husband enjoys gay porn, specifically gay porn with very girlish boys. Is this anything I should worry about? — Name withheld by request
Dear Well That Depends: How much gay porn is he watching? Is he open about his watching, or are you catching him watching? Is your sex life affected? Is this a new like or a long-standing one? And lastly has he had sex with men before, and if so, how much?
I usually don’t place too much credence in someone’s porn viewing unless it’s intrusive enough for their partner to write me about it. Then, yeah, there’s probably cause for concern. But the concern here is fundamental and gets to a really basic concern: Is he struggling with being married to a woman? No way I can answer that, but answering the above questions might help you get a fix on how much, or even whether, he is or is not.