Does Pre-Confessing Clear You of Sexual Causality? - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because "get out of jail free" cards that aren't cash don't really work in the real world.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Is All of This Macho Necessary?

EUGENE, SIR: She and her ex were pretty adventurous. We’re pretty adventurous. She and her ex liked sex on the rough side. I’m willing to go there, but she’s let me know that she and the ex had gone further and I think I’m very close to drawing a line. Besides which, if I start slapping her in the face and spitting on her face because her ex did it, it sort of seems to me that I’m just helping her reminisce over her ex. But because she’s urging me down this road, does that mean I need to exceed to be assured it’s me she’s in bed with and not the memory of him? Honestly, if truth be told, I really just prefer plain ol’ fun sex and secretly I think this shit is just a product of our civilization collapsing. — Not Macho, Man

Dear Not Mixed Marshall: This is like a “bouncing betty,” a type of land mine that launches itself about three feet in the air before blowing everyone nearby off their feet. It was feared not so much because it killed you but because it left you alive to wish you had died.

So, yes. Your situation is just like that. Mostly and majorly because you can’t really win.

If you twist yourself into knots trying to compete with the ghost of an ex who, apparently, left his mark in more ways than one, you’ll still be the Stevie Ray Vaughn to his Jimi Hendrix. If you choose the non-compete clause, you leave yourself open to getting flanked by this selfsame ghost who, at any moment of his choosing, could re-enter the picture in a play to bring back some of that “ol’ magic.”

And like a mine, once you step on it, and indeed, you have stepped on it, any move you make is likely to lead to destruction. Especially since, as you say, you don’t think you’re cut out for this. If that is absolutely the case? You’re correct in what it seems you’re suggesting. I mean why play a game you can’t win?

However, I won’t sign on to the “collapsing civilization” part. I understand you saying that in a kind of “this game sucks” way, but that’s not really the issue. Seems like the real issue is you wanting someone to be there when they’re there and you suspect she’s not/won’t/can’t be. Which means however far you threw that javelin, it wasn’t far enough to get you all past her ex.

Which is fine. You can’t win them all. Nor would you likely want to.

The Dog That Admits It Bites

EUGENE, SIR: These were the words I used exactly: “I have never not cheated on a boyfriend.” I didn’t say I have never cheated. I didn’t say I have only cheated “sometimes.” I didn’t say “infrequently.” I could not have been more clear. Whatever I said after that, unless I said “I have never not cheated on a boyfriend but I have never cheated on you,” should have made anyone relax into thinking I didn’t mean it, right? And swinging every now and then is not a release valve or a fucking substitute, so how am I now the bad guy? I mean sorry you misunderstood, but that’s not my fault, right?— Name withheld by request

Dear Believe You Me: Dude … you’re coming in hot on this one. So hot I am guessing there’s a fuel additive in the mix and that additive smells like “guilt.” But I don’t know you so must base my take on some guess-free figuring and on the basis of what you’ve given us here. Which still … stinks of guilt.

However, let’s get beyond that for a second and go straight for the meat of the matter: Does pre-notifying someone of your intent to commit a crime absolve you of having committed the crime?

Well, can you kill a trespasser just because you put up a no trespassing sign? Or is that too much?

OK. If I tell you that if you show up at my house today, I’m going to tear your clothes off and have sex with you, am I in the clear if you show up at my house today and I tear your clothes off and have sex with you?

I guess it depends. If you say “no,” it’s a crime just the same. If you say yes, well then we’re just playing. Which is what you’re trying to say is happening. You told him, he stayed to play, and now there are no backsies vis-à-vis getting his feelings hurt.

Which seems to make sense to me. However, it doesn’t seem to make sense to your pesky conscience. You put that to sleep? Then emailing someone like me is not what you think of doing. But should you put it to sleep? Probably between you and your G-d, it seems.

Pre-Ejaculate Perils

EUGENE, SIR: I just read that pre-ejaculate has no active sperm. So isn’t it just like an early warning system and not so much a cause for panic? — BB

Dear Mr. Netanyahu: Well, medical folks like to consider it a lubricant. It’s produced by a gland in the penis and, indeed, is an indication that semen will be soon sliding home right behind it. But that’s the thing. There’s no whistle, bell, or any other serious notification of when the harmless pre-ejaculate ends and the fluids of fatherhood begin. And generally, the operator of aforementioned penis is in no frame of mind to be paying much attention anyway. So, best to err on the side of caution and leave any pre-ejaculate to languish inside the reservoir tip of the condom that naturally you’re using. Yes?

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