Cowgirls, Speed Traps + Desire Death - OZY | A Modern Media Company
A woman laying in bed looking at the ceiling


Because dead people don’t have sex.

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now:

On Top of Ol’ Smokey

EUGENE, SIR: Is it more common for guys to cum too fast when the girl is on top? I have had this experience only a few times. The commonalities: first-time encounter, and girl on top. — California Girl

Dear Wish They All Could Be: Comedian Dave Chappelle once famously held forth that there was no such thing as “premature” orgasms since, at least as far as he could tell, all of his orgasms showed up right on time. A quip that underscores your idea of “too fast” needs to be framed in terms of “for whom?” For biological purposes, it is probably much more advantageous for the man to orgasm quickly, if breeding before getting killed by wild animals is the objective. For those of us without wild-animal provisos, it usually makes sense to take our time with things we enjoy, but since I’m like the only sex-advice columnist in the world who won’t lie to you, I’ll tell you this: FTFJ is a real thing.

First-Time Fuck Jitters — or FTFJ, something well-studied that I created just now — have scuttled more evening plans than bad clams or no reservations at Bestia in LA. If your hookup was planned, there may be less of an excuse for it, but if the encounter was sudden and unplanned, your man might have been cut short and for sure is dealing with a mantra that’s the modern man’s mostly useful checklist: condoms, check; erection that stays long enough to put on aforementioned condom, erection that lasts long enough for you to have an orgasm, and all of this while not crashing the car.

Yes, to quote Tony Montana, it’s hard to be a man-g. 

So is the issue his placement on top? Not necessarily. While I have heard anecdotal stuff about the erection-destroying power of this position, it wouldn’t be solely responsible for him orgasming quickly. Rather, his inability to control pacing on the bottom might be it, but all of his blood working against gravity could be it too. My suggestion is to consider this a test. A good lover, if he orgasms first, makes with the oral until you do. A bad one high-fives himself and goes and gets a sandwich. Also across the good lover-bad lover divide: A good lover will follow up this first fast one with a second, slower one. And not the next day, either, but eight minutes later. Hope this helps.

Speed Demonology

EUGENE, SIR: Hello. A few months ago I came to orgasm partly too early. I do not know why, but I tend to get so very excited that I can no longer control it. What can I do about it and are there tips on how I can delay it, of course. Apologies my bad English, I’m from Germany. — Herr Adel

Dear Mr. S. Gonzalez: Guten abend, Mein Herr. Danke für dich fragen. And of course there is an answer; I’ll give you the clinical one and then I’ll give you the one no one will ever share with you drawn from the pro players’ handbook. First off, one of the ways your body prepares itself for orgasm is by drawing your testicles up closer to your body. So, next time you’re getting close to orgasm, reach down and grab a handful. If your scrotum is taut, your body has ceased listening to you and to your efforts to delay the orgasmic arrival. Since you’re down there anyway, grab your scrotum and yank. Not so hard it hurts, but firmly enough that the orgasmic cycle is interrupted and you’ve bought yourself a few minutes, maybe. 

Of course, women read this column too, and those in the know, if they suspect you’re getting close, will reach down and feel for just this thing. Whether they yank or you yank, it’ll buy you time. But anyone will tell you that.

What no one will tell you, and it’s a semi-dangerous deal, is this: If you have a hot date, masturbate the night before. Simple, yes; dangerous because if you do it too close to the time of the actual date, you’ll find yourself caring not so much about whether the date ends up in bed but whether you can drop her off early so you can go home and catch a good nap. 

You can thank me later.

Is That All There Is?

EUGENE, SIR: I love reading you in OZY, but I wanted to write so I can see how to make my life more enjoyable. I was married in 2000 and got divorced in 2008 with one kid. The divorce was mutual. After, I felt pretty lonely and tried to date a few girls but never really got serious as I was working a high-profile job. The girls I dated were mostly Filipina or Indonesian housecleaners or baby sitters. So I was having sex many times, say, once a week for almost six years. I also enjoy massage-parlor girls and smoke around a pack of cigarettes a day along with drinking four or five glasses of whiskey. I’ve been drinking and smoking like this for the past 20 years. I am 44. 

But I have started losing interest in sex. My drive for sex and pleasure is also reduced, and I don’t get excited by the same things I used to. Help. — Son of Sam

Dear SOS: You have come to an important fork in the road, and where you stand you will have to make some choices and choose the medicine that works best for you. Cigarettes — vasoconstrictors that ultimately will reduce your ability to get and sustain an erection — and alcohol, a depressant, are not your friends. Lots of sex may be. Lots of sex won’t solve the emotional issues, but provided you’re using condoms, it probably won’t kill you. But, you know what they say is true, sometimes you can’t have it all. So choose. Now.


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