Busted, Rear Rejection & Slow-Lane Sexy

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Why you should care

Because in the grand and sexy schema of your private life, what happens in Vegas very frequently does not stay in Vegas.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Cheating Cheaters & the Cheaters Who Cheat on Them

EUGENE, SIR: I got caught cheating (again) for the third time. They say if you want to get better, you have to realize you have a problem, but I’m not sure I have a problem outside of getting caught because I cheat because these women give me what my wife, whom I love, can’t give me: attachment-free sex. If I am going to meet someone for hotel room sex, and she is not in the mood, she doesn’t show up — but I don’t have to get her in the mood. If she shows up, I can actually just put my penis in her mouth. With my wife this always has to be negotiated. The point is cheating sex is easy. Married sex is hard. I think if wives understood that, mine wouldn’t be so angry now. — Name withheld by request

Dear Mr. Jones: How hard is it to now have to deal with easy sex? Are you sleeping easy? With pleasant thoughts of a bankrupting divorce or, worse yet, a wild woman with a steak knife bent on righting what we’re all agreeing is a wrong, right? Probably not that easy in aggregate, and this is where most advice columnists would leave it, but not me because here I’m going to do something rare and reel you back in with the Clintonian I feel your pain. And this pain is called life.

You see, first-stage sexual involvement is such a strong inducer and inducement because it has to be. It has to get you to look past obvious lines of bullshit, bad hair, terrible politics and maybe worse taste in music to get to wanting to get into bed and have sex with them in the first place. This strength is precisely why humans screw up the way we screw up. This is what you’re rediscovering when you cheat.

But cheating conveniently steps around the fact that all roads lead to Rome and any kind of long-term adult relationship with sane people probably won’t involve a Tuesday regular deal that has you kicking in any doors, tearing off anyone’s clothes and putting your penis in any mouths without at least a “How was your day?” No matter how good it sounds. 

And here is where, again, I will depart from the rest of the pack: If you find that your real preference is for attachment-free sex? No amount of convincing you of the merits — mostly, um, love and, um, trust and a few other things you’ve probably squandered at this point — of adult, long-term married sex is going to work. But to paraphrase Johnnie Taylor and always something to consider, who’s making love to your old lady while you were out making love? Some guy who burst in the door, tore off his clothes and put his penis in her mouth. You see, women frequently have the same urges. Just not with men from whom they expect more. So what to do? Apologize your ass off, work harder to align hers and yours attachment-free days and hope for the best. Good luck.


EUGENE, SIR: I like anal sex sometimes. My man likes it never. He claims hygiene issues. He’s concerned about hurting me, despite my asking him for this and assuring him this is not a problem. Other excuses I can’t even remember. We’ve been together three years. Are there ways to make this fun and cool and interesting for him? — Turned Down

Dear Turned Down for WHAT?: Other ways? You mean, other than doing it with people with more reasons for doing it than excuses for not? Probably not. I suspect you’re also asking if you’re doing something wrong, but as far as I can see, you’re doing everything right. Everything outside of figuring out what his deal is. I’m unsure whether you’re a woman or a man, but the reality of it is, in my mind, if you’re in a long-term committed relationship, then any “no” must be accompanied by a damned good reason why. If you’re asking someone to not cheat, you need to be doing everything in your power to make this a sensible trade. 

If not, what happens next should not surprise you — or him — in this instance. But first, stop pushing. You’ve said what you needed to. He knows where to find you and your ass. If you’re still frantic in the near future, well, the way seems clear to me. And don’t let anyone convince you this is shallow. Life is too long for even a minute of bad sex.

On Your Mark, Set, Reset

EUGENE, SIR: Can I do something to delay my man’s orgasm? As I start to get closer to orgasm, he gets excited too, and at least 90 percent of the time, he comes before I do. We’ve tried to get him to slow it down, but I want to help. — NR

Dear Not Rated: “Helping” can be extremely sexy. Someone helping you with your clothes off, for example. Or it can be deadly: “Here. Let me help you delay your orgasm.” While there are functional ways that work — gently pulling on his scrotum, since as he gets closer to orgasm the testicles pull closer to the body, for instance — do you really want to have to nurse you partner through your orgasm? And does he want to know you’re nursing him? No. Your orgasm, your time. Flip out, do whatever; if he comes first, well I’m assuming he has a mouth, lips and tongue. He should learn to use these. If not? Write again and we’ll deal.


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