Are Some Positions Best Left to Professionals? - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Are Some Positions Best Left to Professionals?

Are Some Positions Best Left to Professionals?

By Eugene S. Robinson


OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

By Eugene S. Robinson

Positional Superiority

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I separated for a few months last year. Things were going not well and we took a break over the summer. He had work travel so it worked but during that time I had a brief affair that wasn’t important outside of one thing. My lover had one sex position I hadn’t done and I can’t stop thinking about. He stood behind me and held me to his chest as he entered me. He leaned back and I leaned back with him and then he grabbed my thighs and lifted me off the ground. It was fantastic but those things run their course and my husband and I are back together, but I want him to do this. Problem is I don’t want him asking me where I got the idea, and I think he might not be strong enough to lift me (he’s a little shorter than my lover). Thoughts/solutions? — Taking a Stand

Dear Stand-Up Comedy: My guess is that your rapprochement didn’t happen in a blur of confessions whereby you both admitted to how the time apart was spent, specifically the time apart for your private parts. I can’t tell whether this means you actually lied about it or just omitted the truth, but this omission has made your life more difficult. Not much, however, since I have a hard time imagining that anyone wants to “try” to “duplicate” the A-level moves of a romantic rival, but at the very least it would have been something they could have assumed was the case. But the funny thing about assuming: It works both ways. 

Now I don’t know if you’re a woman or a man, but I do know that anyone who is separated should understand that sex somehow will be part of how the separated couple will be doing things differently. And woe betide to those who don’t understand this.

All of that aside, and I feel, creepily, like I’m aiding and abetting in the creation of falsehoods but you could say if queried about your sudden burst of coital creativity that you’ve just been “watching a lot of porn.” Inelegant, yes, but it’d serve the dual purpose of bolstering the illusion that you spent that summer solo, and masturbating. Instead of how you really spent it. 

Now, how to actually achieve the position given the height differential? I’d say stairs, or milk crates, or stilts, but I’m guessing part of the appeal is that your legs are pressed into your chest during the lift. If your husband is not strong enough or tall enough to pull this off, the only solution I can imagine is a sex swing. And, perhaps, the aforementioned milk crate. They’re about $70. Mounted well, it should work. Good luck!


The HSV Fee

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve never written into one of these before, but I love your perspective. I’m a 27-year-old woman and I contracted HSV-2, or genital herpes, at 21 from a cheating ex (not that that’s relevant). Shortly after that, I was in a long-term relationship that I was miserable in yet stayed in until 2017 mostly because I was afraid other men wouldn’t accept my status. Now I’m finally looking to get out there but honestly still not looking for a long-term committed relationship. I’d love some casual hookups or to just have fun with someone whose company I can also enjoy. The trouble is when I go online or even on dates with men that are into something casual, they typically bring up sex by the first date. 

This is fine with me, except then I have to tell a complete stranger that I’m positive. What almost always ends up happening is they change their mind about the hookup. In two years I’ve had only one guy stay. My friends suggest I try to find someone who isn’t looking for sex right away and maybe more committed and emotionally involved by the time I have to disclose, but that seems manipulative if I’m not looking to date seriously. So … how can I better broach this subject with potential conquests? – Name withheld by request

Dear HSV, See?: Short answer, your friends’ advice is lacking and sort of ignores your unstated but clear cut objective: sexual FUN. That being said, if noted computer repair technician Armin Meiwes could successfully advertise online for someone who wanted to be eaten by a real live cannibal, which he was, I’m quite sure you can find support groups of people with HSV-2 who want to get sexy. In fact, I know you can because I’m looking at one as I write this. They’re boasting 1.2 million positive singles. Find your way there. Get as freaky as your patience can bear since, unless you have a clock at home that runs backward, time’s a-wasting.

Sexy Gay Sex

EUGENE, SIR: Do you know what percentage of heterosexuals spend their time viewing homosexual pornography? My son is in college and during his recent visit home, the browser history on the home computer showed me what he’s been looking at. He’s always had girlfriends and we have an open relationship so I hope he could tell me anything but before I jumped to the conclusion I thought I’d ask someone. — Vanessa

Dear Van Essa: According to Pornhub, a major percentage of folks watching gay male porn are heterosexual women who feel uncomfortable with hetero porn. Beyond that, researchers at the Archives of Sexual Behaviour discovered that 55 percent of gay-identified men watch so-called straight porn, and 21 percent of straight men are watching gay porn. What does this tell you? It’s a wonderful topsy-turvy world and anything that vouchsafes the very human ability to go where your spirit guides you, presuming it’s legal, should be embraced. And in regards to your son’s sexuality, I’m quite sure, in the fullness of time, whatever he wants you to know, he will let you know. Until then? Be thankful he’s not as interested in your sex life as you are in his.

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