Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Speed x Orgasms = Arguments
EUGENE, SIR: OK. Scientifically speaking, I think that there is a relationship between increased friction, vibrations and how we arrive at orgasm. You also can’t have increased friction without an increase in speed. Which is where we’re having a problem. Though I am fine with a slower pace when I am using my mouth on her during sex, when it is my turn to orgasm (after she has orgasmed at least once), I must increase the speed of my stroke. She says this is too fast for her to orgasm (again). She also says maybe if I could keep the speed the same but go on longer (we have sex usually for 28 to 40 minutes), this might work. Physically, this proves to be difficult for me. When I remind her that she is talking about her second orgasm before I’ve had my first, an argument follows. How to fix this? – Baffled in Berlin
Dear BIB-y, Baby: Listen, life is sometimes a cruel creature and an even worse teacher. I’ve learned through the horror of experience that there are some that you can hand greatness to and they will ask, almost always: Why wasn’t it greater?
And that’s really almost the most compelling question in need of an answer from her. More specifically: Why wasn’t great good enough for you?
I don’t know. I wasn’t there, but I could hazard a few guesses and they seem to cohere around an understanding of what constitutes great. Really great experiences usually, as I’ve experienced them, push you beyond your ability to comfortably analyze them. They, simply, overwhelm. (The same could be said about really horrible experiences as well though.)
But that which underwhelms? Usually gives you lots of time to reflect on the ways and means that whatever it is has failed you.
She is not saying this though. She’s is saying nothing of the kind actually. The sex it seems, outside of maybe a very reasonable request to sync up speeds, is to her liking. What’s noteworthy though is that this is not where the argument began. The argument began with your bean counting, and I think that has solely to do with the analytical bent of your orgasm tallying.
I don’t necessarily fault you for doing this, but the optics of it? Well, it might be that you come across like someone who has been handed great and is complaining about why it’s not greater. Now, I understand that you might be out on the ragged edge of your ability to sustain this aggressive physical/sexual activity, but it would have helped more to say that than to hit her with the scorecard.
Am I saying it’s OK to de-signify your orgasm? Nope. Am I saying you need to discover a sexier way to talk about sex? Yup.
Whose Disease Came From Where?
EUGENE, SIR: “Our” genitalia hurt. “We” haven’t been to the doctor yet, but before that, I have a question: Is it possible to have a genitalia disease in a committed relationship, or is it always a sign of infidelity? – Name withheld by request
Dear Itchy + Scratchy: Not only will you regret asking this question, but those of you reading the answer will regret having done so since if you’re in anyway prone to hypochondria, this will just about do you in.
But, OK, ready?
The news, according to a Chinese medical study, is that there are 200 non-sexually transmitted diseases that involve your genitalia. Well, I mean, not your genitalia specifically, but our genitalia. Well, not mine, but humans generically.
So that’s 200 that fall into 23 types. From genital ulcers to bacterial infections, there are lots that can go wrong with the moist, soft parts of your body that typically live in near darkness unless you’re a nudist or hanging out with Matthew McConaughey. But yes, genital rot is often a sign that you’re living on Cheating Street, but not always. Feel better? Yeah, me neither.
I Called Him Bob. His Name Is Jim.
EUGENE, SIR: I liked what you said last week about “politicizing your sex” because accidentally during sex, I called out an ex-lover’s name. Now, before you ask, I will tell you that my now angry lover is much better in bed than the one whose name I used, and I’m just as confused as to why I used the ex’s name especially since the names are nothing at all alike, but here I am. I was just going to copy and paste your answer to let him know he can’t be taking this stuff all that seriously and that he’s better than the ex anyway, but since then, he’s trying even harder in bed and now weirdly enough is much less sexy. I want to fix this. But how? – Gabi
Dear Gabi Gabi Hey: This seems much, much less about the policy or politics of sexual comportment and much, much more to do with making a mistake that cut to the quick of naturally held issues of security and so on. Like it or not, everyone you ever dated or just had sex with is in competition with the memory of every one else you ever dated or just had sex with. In your thoughts, memories and now in our daily addictions to the nostalgia-killing Facebook, where exes float through liking and commenting on, well, whatever the hell they want.
Which might help explain your out: People on your page often are also in your head. Knowing this and that there was a reason you’re no longer with the poorly performing ex might help reestablish some sort of sexy equilibrium. If not? There’s an option and it involves him taking his over-performing, desperate-to-please, insecure self off to greener pastures and leaving you to torture someone far more certain about his place in space or far less concerned about the historical impact of old beaus.