How to Amp Up the Nasty
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
By Eugene S. Robinson
Leveling the Pro Playing Field
EUGENE, SIR: When I was in college, I used to hear people say “vanilla sex,” but to me sex was just sex and most of it was good. I’m 28 now, though, and if I’m having sex with someone who is 22 or 23, I finally understand that the kind of sex I like to have maybe is not “entry level.” Is there any way to catch someone up before we have sex that’s still sexy? I’m not talking about anything exotic, but I’m a switch so I like to dominate when I am not liking to be submissive. But is this first-date dinner talk? Because by the time we get to sex, I’m stuck in vanilla sex jail. I just need an intro line or something. A hand up would be welcome. —Morriss
Dear Metamorriss: An essential element of drama — be it Oedipus Rex or Aeschylus or Shakespeare — is when you have a character who’s too smart by half or, how we like to say in my neighborhood, “too smart for their own good.” Being smart like this causes you to needlessly complicate things and might even be why people write to sex columns when the solution is readily at hand, so to speak.
Because, realistically speaking, you come from a long line of people who’ve found themselves well-served by language. They could have said things like “if we go to check if there’s a bear in that cave and there IS a bear in that cave, it will kill us.” Which, when you analyze it, is much smarter, though not smarter by half, than just strolling into a bear cave. Which they didn’t.
Similarly, there’s no reason this cannot be dinnertime conversation. Anyone who is going to be scandalized by straight talk is certainly not going to be less scandalized when you ask them to choke you while you’re having an orgasm even if you pass out (what you suggested in what I had to edit out of your letter … only for length, not for taste).
So if you want to play like a pro, act like a pro: Dispense with lines and subterfuge and being too slick by far and look someone straight in the eye, even in advance of that first date, and tell them what sex with you might involve. This could be incredibly sexy. And those who disagree? Probably not going to be delivering peak sexual playtime anyway.
Am I making sense? I hope so. Because in the end, as Socrates said, it’s sticks and stones that break your bones, but words are just playthings. Or something like that. Good luck!
EUGENE, SIR: We swing. I’ve read you in about six different columns talk about penis size not really mattering, but I can’t convince my husband of this because we just had a lifestyle weekend and we had a man who was much larger than him join us, and when “Bob” had sex with me after our invited guest, he could feel how big he wasn’t and how big our guest was. Now he’s depressed and none of those “it’s not the size” speeches are working. Are there exercises I can do to tighten things up down there? —Name withheld by request
Dear Florence Nightingale: It seems to me the most potent statement that could be made in support of the big-penis-versus-the-penis-you’re-married-to quandary would be yours saying that size is not significant. And therein lies the problem. You didn’t say that. Nor should you. If it’s not true in this instance. Specifically, the possibility that your guest was larger and the sexual experience was enjoyable for this reason is something that surely Bob should have thought through before he got to the racetrack.
And not having thought it through? How is it now your problem? Please don’t let guilt be your guide. This goes with the lifestyle and if, and you can tell him this, you wanted to leave him for a penis, he’s really not factoring in the counterbalancing other attributes that’s made this something you haven’t yet done.
Meaning: He needs to relax. Good that he’s being honest about his pique, but don’t make the mistake in thinking it needs to be catered to. Let him have his moment. If he wants to stop swinging? Be OK with that, if you’re down with it too. And if he wants to keep going, getting back on the horse if you will, let him do that too. But please, you two, do not spend another minute maundering about stuff you can do nothing about. I mean, did he really think he had the biggest penis in the world? No? Then this was just an eventuality. Which he should be old enough to live with.
Getting the Party Started, Right?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 47, and my husband is 48. We’ve been together since grad school, and we’re bored out of our minds. Not so much with each other but with the sex with each other. We want to get crazy, but … well, how? Seriously. Hiring prostitutes to join in seems dangerous and illegal. Plus, we have kids. We’re in not good enough shape to go to the sex clubs you’re always talking about. So what? —MT
Dear Toni Montana: Everybody thinks everybody else is having more fun somehow, but the thing that people miss about fun? It’s that it’s tailor-made for those having it. You might think stamp collecting is a HOOT. To quote Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, that’s OK because “I don’t.” I like stamps. But a hoot? Nah.
So it goes that discovering stuff that’s stunningly fun starts with what you think is stunningly fun. If what you’re thinking is that it’ll be fun to do what other people think is fun? You could be in for a rough ride (see above). The best thing of all, and this is philosophically a heavy lift, is to figure out what you think is fun by playing with all possible variations of what you think is fun. With a gimlet eye on the feedback that lets you understand what YOU feel is fun and do more of that and much less of what you think is not fun.
If you need ideas? Six months of reading this column might give you a pretty random sampling of what people who write sex columns, at least, think is sexy. Start there. And rest easy in knowing that your continued interest in such things is probably the best sign of all.