A Curious Cougar + Anal Danger

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Why you should care

Because you’ll not go gently into this good night. Clothed, at least.

Puppy Love

EUGENE, SIR: I like young men. Younger men. I just can’t stand talking to them. But I love having sex with them. It’s become a fetish. Just not for the social aspects. Like what they talk about, do or think about. So, I’d like to ask, are male escorts reliable?  —  Don’t Call Me Cougar

Dear Mrs. Robinson: On the one hand, men who stick to the game long enough are probably reliable. I don’t know where you’re living but I’d venture a guess if a guy’s going to try to make a living out of loving he can only suck so much. Badly, I mean. He’ll show up. Feign interest well. Or well enough to be believable. And if he’s very good it’ll be great. But because no piece of advice of mine wouldn’t be complete without that extra dollop of dark there is this: look for the moment, the unguarded one, when you catch a glimpse of him either taking off or putting his pants on looking for all the world like he is going to WORK.

So ends the fantasy. Unless your body fantasy-fetish is water-tight and immune to outside negative influence, this moment might bite a bit. Just a bit. Watch the last 20 minutes of the 1966 movie Alfie if you’re in the slightest bit confused about what I’m talking about. 

Dipsticking It

EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I enjoy anal. It feels and seems dirty. Taboo-like. Recently though she’s been getting off on me switching back and forth during the same session without cleaning up first. I’d heard and read that this was less than healthy but so far she has not gotten sick yet. I mentioned it once and she went down on me to clean my penis first. So I guess I am concerned about anal play and the likelihood of getting some sort of poop-related illness. High, low or 50/50?  —  Brown Reasons to Fear

Dear Chocolatey Chips: You want to play with the bull? Probably expect to get the horns. By which I mean, it’s all anal fun and games until someone gets E. coli-borne bacillary dysentery, Hep A, Hep B, Hep C, HPV, herpes, parasites and well, the list goes on and disturbingly on. Which I imagine you knew already and weren’t going to let slow YOU down. Which it may not. In your favor might be the fact that you’re not dealing with multiple partners. No idea how long you’ve been married but your commitment to keeping things spicy, so to speak, is praise worthy as well. However, any kind of dysentery is no walk in the park. Not without a toilet nearby. However, life is about risks and the management of those risks and some medical professionals will advocate using a dental dam but the next time I actually SEE a dental dam will be the first time. So good luck with that. However, the next person I meet whose gotten dysentery from licking ass will also be the first one. So take the chances you’ve been taking and hope for the best. But probably expect the worst.

The Waiting Game

EUGENE, SIR: After all the talk about premature ejaculation I feel weird and bad for asking about something I see not many people asking about but it’s the opposite thing. It takes me forever to have an orgasm. I probably feel just as terrible about this as guys do about the other thing. Are there solutions out there for this that I don’t have to go to a doctor for?  —  Bill

Dear Johnny Come Lately: Rather than go for the more obvious ”MORE men should have this problem, yuk yuk” take I’ll treat this with the actual seriousness it deserves. Not just from a quality of life point of view but as an actual health issue. What you describe sounds an awful lot like anorgasmia. Sometimes also called Coughlan’s syndrome. Which sees you, even in the face of the perfect kinds of stimulation, unable to get off.

It hits women more than men and older men more than younger men but are you ready for the real life terror part? It could be penis proof positive of undiscovered diabetes, hormonal problems, hypertension, multiple sclerosis and spinal cord problems. Add that to co-branded issues of certain meds and excessive drugging and drinking and if you’re not panicked you should be. Since those are just the physical issues. 

The mental ones? A rogue’s gallery of stressors from performance anxiety to guilt, bad relationships and past abuse. In short it’s a problem with lots of downside even in the face of the one major upside. Which is really a downside since your partners after their third or fourth orgasm will start worrying that they don’t turn you on and then both of you are in a dysfunctional spiral of decreasing pleasure and increasing anxiety.

But can you cure yourself? Maybe. Could a doctor help you? A little better than maybe. Worth a try-maybe, I mean. Will it get better by itself, my preferred method of medical treatment…probably not. I mean I have no idea whether you can bring yourself to orgasm when you’re alone and masturbating or any of the other iterations connected to your inability to finish but I do know this: you’re doing no one any favors by not seeking out medical care. Good luck.

                                                                                                                                                                   Photography by Shutterstock


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