4 Stories That Will Sink Your Battleship
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because the weekend’s already over. Wake Up!
By Nick Fouriezos
Not to be mopey, but it’s Sunday. Don’t worry, we’re all bleary-eyed too. Say it with us: One, two, three…and up! Here are the stories that will help you get out of bed not just tomorrow, but every day this week.
We’re Playing Presidential Roulette This Week
That’s worth a toast, and a shot of espresso, right? This week, it’s likely that primaries in California, New Jersey, the Dakotas, and a few other places, will ensure that November will be a pit fight against Donald “The Dog” Trump and…Hillary Clinton (polite applause ensues.)
Aided by California state director Buffy “The Bernie Slayer” Wicks, Clinton will look to wrap up the nomination with what’s shaping up to be a narrow, but perhaps decisive, victory in the biggest state at stake. Of course, Bernie Sanders could pull the upset, and he’s polling close. But even if he does win the Golden State, it’s nigh impossible for the spunky socialist to make up his dearth of delegates, who overwhelmingly back Clinton. Fear not, Bernie lovers, this humble campaign reporter says: In a forthcoming piece, we’ll explain how Sanders could “set the agenda for the Democratic Party in the post-Obama era” even without being the nominee. Seems like a pretty sweet consolation prize to us.
Getting Cozy with Modi
Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister of India, will visit President Obama in Washington on Tuesday. India might not technically be an ally, but Modi knows where all the bathrooms are at the White House by now – as the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace notes, this will be Modi’s seventh meeting with Obama since he took office in 2014, a “new record” for both governments regarding meetings with non-allies. The topic will likely be defensive co-operation, experts say, and Modi’s interest in deepening ties with the U.S. will surely come up too. And watch out for a piece on Monday from Asia editor Sanjena Sathian about THE place to be if you’re visiting India. Here’s a hint: It rhymes with “Prune,” and, before its modern renaissance, had the reputation to match…
Who Ate Their Wheaties?
Stephen Curry vs. Lebron James. Sidney Crosby vs. Logan Couture. Whether they dribble the ball or swat a puck, the common denominator is controversy. On the hoops front, writers from Yahoo! Sports to ESPN’s The Undefeated have tried to pitch Curry and James as bitter rivals in their Golden State-Cleveland NBA championship series, both for what’s on their feet and for what was in their parents’ pockets growing up. Despite the forced narrative foils, neither player seems to be drinking the Haterade.
On the ice, San Jose forward Couture will have a tougher time skating back comments that Crosby, Pittsburgh’s do-everything center, “cheats” on face-offs – after the Penguins won after a Crosby face-off in Game 2. At the end of the day, rings speak louder than words, and this week may crown some new champions in two sports. The important question for the 28-year-old Crosby, though: When can we finally stop calling him Sid “The Kid”?
We’re up late. If you are, too, then rub your weary eyes and watch out for a piece later this week on insomniacs. Oh, and Americans’ weird and complex relationships with coffee (from Boston Tea Party to would ya vape it?) Also, the best way to recycle your drugs. There may or may not be Hapsburg vampires in the mix. You’ll just have to tune in to find out.