Can Cops Save Your Relationship? - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because sometimes you need a professional to solve your problems.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Should There Be a Bi, Bye?

EUGENE, SIR: I’m bi and am in a loving relationship with a man. But sometimes — not that often — I find myself wanting a woman again. I don’t want a specific woman, just sometimes, you know, I want what he can’t deliver. Since this isn’t a threat to my boyfriend specifically, I want to bring it up. Is it jerky to do so, though? Candor can’t be bad, right? — Name withheld by request

Dear Cake + Eating It: Candor can’t be bad? Really? You don’t think our society is lubricated by all that we overlook versus all that we pay attention to? How many wars have been started over things people have not said?

Candor is not a get-out-jail-free card and we widely consider “jerks” to be people who are candid at the exact wrong time. I mean, your blouse may indeed be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t mean you need to hear it from me.

Likewise, unless you’re telling me you’re online looking for a lover, your desire for a woman is a stray thought that while you might think a partner share makes it harmless, is anything but. Try telling him this: “Sometimes I think about sleeping with Donald Trump [or Joe Biden].” See if that doesn’t play havoc with your dinner plans.

If you’re in a relationship where you take each other seriously, everything means everything and that’s before we even get to the substance of what we’re talking about: your desire for out-of-relationship sex with a woman. Which is a lot easier to deal with than your desire to “what if …” your lover.

If you’re thinking that because you have an affair with a woman he’s going to let you slide if caught, I’ll say: maybe. If he’s very stupid, very understanding, kinky or just doesn’t care, why yes! If he’s sprung on you? Yeah, he might know that it’s intimate space shared, and shared with someone other than him, and that might sting a bit.

But your obligation? To do what you can live with. So … do what you can live with.

When to Call the Cops 101

EUGENE, SIR: I just found out my ex was date-raped by her current boyfriend. She’s forgiven him — she came up with excuses since he did it when they were getting high together, but she knows that he drugged her with something. Isn’t this one of those the People of Florida v. Joe Smith (as I’ll call him) things? In the interest of justice, should’t I notify the police? — Neal

Dear Kneels Feels: Your concern is admirable. Your concern, however, will also be questioned, deeply and thoroughly, since it seems heavily weighted upon you having a lot to gain and not a lot to lose from taking this to the authorities. While I don’t know the circumstances behind your breakup, it’s at times like this that I turn to Slick Rick, who famously said, “I didn’t make the laws, but they make sense to my ass.” Then he got himself incarcerated, but that’s neither here nor there.

The issues here center around a few things. First, your ex’s decision to forgive her current partner.

She may know a lot more than she’s told you. She also may be telling you what she’s telling you because she knows how well it will play to the room.

If her current boyfriend did drug and rape her, while the long arm of the law should lash him to the fullest extent, her decision to forgive him very much plays against this being possible.

Meaning if she chooses not to back your play, you’re knee-deep in a very heavy lift.

Your best bet? Realize that being a good friend may be at variance with being a good ex, and know that you’re the latter, not the former. If she changes her mind, it would be good to be there for her. But for now? It’s none of your business. And I think the People of Florida would likely concur.

Erectionally Inconsistent

EUGENE, SIR: I’m 46; my lover is 47. If we spend 30 minutes having penetrative sex, his penis is fully hard only about 80 percent of the time. Is its ebb and flow connected to his level of sexual interest? — Is It Me?

Dear 100 or Bust!: It could really be anything, but since most men will cop to nothing you’re left guessing. His legs could hurt; he’s started to think about work stuff; he’s broke; he’s wondering what you want and/or if he’s any good; he’s wondering if he’s got cancer, or if you’re pregnant, or if it’s true that between Social Security and his 401(k) he still should have backed those up with a Roth IRA.

When not blinded by the hormones and excitement of youth, sex can be interrupted by just about anything. Including confusion about why Elon Musk is tweeting you every day.

So, it’s not you (maybe). It’s him (possibly). And inevitable existential issues connected to life on this graying, granite planet. See? Aren’t you glad you asked?

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