Why you should care
A top 10 list … and a cheeky take on new careers for those looking to get ahead this year.
All the talk about America’s low unemployment rate (3.7 percent, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics) may leave anyone who’s underemployed or unemployed feeling a little embarrassed. But no need. The trick is to roll with the times and consider new opportunities. Societal changes often create a demand for unique services. Here are 10 jobs that are likely to be hot in 2019.
#MeToo Apology Ghostwriter
Crafting an apology that sounds like an apology is never easy. Phrases like “In my defense, I was drunk” and “If it happened the way she describes it” will only lead to more castigation. That’s why a #MeToo apology ghostwriter should be in demand in 2019. This hot job is especially good for women used to apologizing for things that aren’t their fault, like “Sorry my house is a mess” when they have four kids, or “Excuse me” when someone slips on ice three feet away. Hiring will be brisk, as excuses like “Well, she told me she was 12 and a half” don’t cut it anymore — even in Alabama.
Personal Assistant/Gun Locks
Clearly the answer to violence is to make sure everyone has a gun they can reach the split second they’re threatened — but not so accessible that it falls into the wrong hands, young hands, inexperienced hands or nervous hands. A gun lock assistant can come twice each day to the home, newspaper office, ashram, or pre-K classroom to ensure every Glock is locked. (See also: Teacher’s aide/artillery closet).
Straight-to-Gay Conversion Therapist for Senior Women
What do you do when all the good men are dead? Men had a dating advantage as it was, but after 70, there are two to three single women for every single man. Who wants to face never having sex for the rest of their lives, especially since everyone’s living longer? That’s why “reverse conversion therapist” will be a hot job this year. Sure, sexual orientation is something you’re born with, but after 20 sessions with a good conversion therapist, two bottles of wine and a back massage, women will be able to have relations past 100, and it’ll be with someone who reads for pleasure. Not to mention, two centuries of first-hand experience with the female body will be in play. Best of all? It’ll be covered by Medicare.
Recreational pot is legal in 10 states now but beware: You can only carry an ounce. For those who didn’t get a drug scale in their Christmas stocking, a personal weed weigher can come to the hotel room during that business trip to Denver to make sure their connection gave them the full ounce, or determine how much they smoked between each of today’s meetings so they can replenish for tomorrow’s.
High School Yearbook Scrubber
Don’t overreact — redact! Biographical elements such as “THE MAN,” “The SPERMINATOR,” “FFFFFFFFFF&F” and “Alumni of Heather Winston” can come back to haunt a fellow. A private yearbook redactor can visit each classmate and school library and take a Sharpie to the evidence. Thank God yearbooks were only analog back then.
Social Media Debate Proxy
Everyone’s tired of losing three hours of quality Netflix time debating with a grandma on Facebook who doesn’t think the last president was born in this country but believes the moon is made of pumpkin pie because the new president said so. A social media Cyrano can step in when a debate has gone on too long. In this job, you can help people get satisfaction and defend democracy without wasting half the day.
Gen X Active Living Social Coordinator
The generation that cried, “Here we are now, entertain us” doesn’t want 40 years of bingo. Many of them are heading into their fifties, making them eligible for active living. This job will involve coordinating events such as “Aha! Name That Tune” and “Alf Trivia.” Contrary to what your mom said, knowing Punky Brewster’s real first name will finally pay off.
This person can come to a baby’s birth and act as a witness to what happened (like whether it happened in this country). It won’t be such a scary time for “border babies” after all, and they’ll even be able to run for president someday. The job will be in high demand because each “birth witness” will need three witnesses who were at their births, too.
Go-To Eloquent Neo-Nazi
Journalists want to present “both sides” of an argument but often can’t find even one articulate white supremacist to quote. That’s why eloquent neo-Nazis will be high in demand, providing alternative opinions to anything, no matter how untenable. How can liberal media consumers ever understand hate groups if they’re so busy hating them? While this “hot job” won’t pay, news stories can link to the eloquent Nazi’s social media accounts, allowing that person to sell more T-shirts for rallies and bumper stickers for vans.
Therapist for Therapy Dogs
Rescue dogs are doing most of the rescuing these days. “Sit” and “stay” are easy commands, but “empathize” is harder, so these pooches need a break. A dog therapist will be covered under most pet insurance, and you can charge high if they have abandonment issues, hate their cheesy pet name (“Virginia Woof,” “Sarah Jessica Barker,” “Jon Bone Jovi”) or live with a Generation Xer who watches reruns of Alf. Experience in giving shots is a plus (distemper/parvo, rabies, Klonopin, Ativan) and the job will only get hotter as election year 2020 approaches since humans will need lots of hand (and paw) holding.