The Supersecret List of Men Who Aren't Sex Creeps - OZY | A Modern Media Company

The Supersecret List of Men Who Aren't Sex Creeps

The Supersecret List of Men Who Aren't Sex Creeps

By Caren Lissner


Because not all men are terrible. We think.

By Caren Lissner

Caren Lissner is a novelist, satire-lover and newspaper editor in New Jersey.

Amid all of the recent exposés of powerful men, women have been wondering: What if there were a top-secret list of non-harassers in media, tech, government and the arts? As it turns out, there is such a list making the rounds. We at OZY have obtained an exclusive copy, and after careful vetting by our legal team, we have decided to out these men once and for all. Here follows the list of non-perverts in Hollywood, politics and the arts, otherwise known as:

“Nifty Media Men”

  • The guy outside the construction site at Rockefeller Center this morning who called out, “Hey, babe … I really like your glasses. You look like a reader. Which genres do you enjoy, and who are your favorite authors?”
  • The fellow on Tinder who sent me a “kick pic” to show just how much he was into his hacky sack circa ’87, and added, “I’m sending you this because I have a lot of hobbies, and I want to learn more about the people I correspond with on this site, not simply focus on their looks or how they can meet my needs. What activities were you into when you were growing up, and if you could travel back in time to talk to your adolescent self, what advice would you give?” 

SpongeBob SquarePants — well, so far, but we’re starting to see red flags.

  • The guy who tossed a bunch of coins on the sidewalk in front of me, and when I bent to pick them up, said, “Aw, drat, I’m totally sorry. You look like you’ve been rushing around all day, and since the new coffee place on the corner has great matcha lattes, I decided to count out $4.75 and hand it to you, but my fingers slipped. My hands are greasy because I was just at the soup kitchen inside that church over there, where I volunteer after work to butter the toast for the next morning’s meal. If you ever have time on a weekday, I’d love for you to volunteer. By the way, I’m Pete.” 
  • Tom Hanks. 
  • The dude who emailed me to say, “I read your novel, and I have to tell you: That line where you compared rain on a window to the sound of a typewriter? It warmed my soul. What else are you working on? Sorry to contact you out of the blue, but I’m a writer too, and I know how much work goes into something like that. It really moved me.” 
  • The one who grabbed a pussy from the local animal shelter, gave it a loving home, then sent me an email at my newspaper job to ask if I could direct him to the many articles I’ve written listing local nonprofit programs that loan out cages for TNR (trap-neuter-release). 
  • The one who apologized for talking over me at the editorial meeting just now. 
  • The one who offered to read this list, then laughed and said, “You’re witty, and I’m not intimidated.” 
  • SpongeBob SquarePants — well, so far, but we’re starting to see red flags. 
  • Harvey Wainstern, a cable repairman in Peoria, Illinois, who’s tired of taking all that crap because of his name, but knows it’s a small price to pay for years of benefiting from male privilege.

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