Why you should care

Because connecting global strife and male leaders’ perceptions of penis size could help foster world peace.

Bear with me. Suspend outrage and umbrage and just give me six minutes of your time while I say without hesitation or fear of contradiction that the problems of maleness are intimately connected to men’s perceptions of the most intimate aspect of their intersection with the world: penis size.

A thought that started a few years ago, curiously enough, with a bit Joy Behar did on The View. She commented on a study that claimed German men had smaller penises than their international counterparts. And while a 2017 global survey out of Ulster University in Northern Ireland no longer has Germany on the list of 10 countries of men with the smallest penises, another third of the former Axis powers is: Japan, with an average penis length of 4.3 inches.

Italy, the third leg of the Axis powers, had many reasons for being ineffective partners — undersupplied, underfinanced and ill-prepared to be paying any of the checks Hitler was writing. And according to a 2017 Target Map survey of penile lengths, men in Italy are in the second tier of the largest penises measured worldwide. A space they share with men in Australia, Norway, Mexico and South Africa. And when was the last time Australia, Norway, Mexico or South Africa declared any war of global conquest?

When we look at Japanese depredations in China, has anyone missed that the Rape of Nanking is called the Rape of Nanking and actually had massive acts of rape as one of its central features?

Still not convinced? There are more bread crumbs. In a speech at Stanford University in 1987, Christopher Browning, historian and author of Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland, detailed the hallucinatory anti-Semitism that drove not only Nazi ideology but also pegged a new twist at the time: a biological racism. “Jewishness became an issue of what was in the blood,” said Browning.

And so from the 1935 Nuremberg Laws controlling marriages and extramarital sexual relationships between Jews and non-Jews and the obsessive focus on the plundering of Aryan womanhood by Jewish men in Julius Streicher’s Der Stürmer, there emerges a picture. Was the Jewish “threat” sexual — causally connected to penis size?

Moreover, when we look at Japanese depredations in China, has anyone missed that the Rape of Nanking is called the Rape of Nanking and actually had massive acts of rape as one of its central features?

“For what it’s worth, I’ve always thought there has been a sexual inferiority, ‘Who said our civilization has to play the bitch?’ neuroses plaguing the Japanese psyche. Pretty much ever since Matthew C. Perry ‘opened’ Japan to the West in 1853.” says Mordecai G. Sheftall, a professor of modern Japanese cultural history and communication at Shizuoka University and author of Blossoms in the Wind: Human Legacies of the Kamikaze. “This is still operant today, and it was most definitely a motive for near national suicide regarding their insane war against America.” Themes only hinted at in “Tattoi Gisei: The Aesthetics of ‘Noble Sacrifice’ as Discourse of Re-Masculinized National Identity in Postwar Japan,” a paper Sheftall has written for the Global Security Research Institute.

And would it surprise you to hear that North Korea is on the list of 10 countries with the smallest penises, with the average North Korean penis stretching the tape at 3.8 inches? Or that this became a set piece during the 2016 U.S. presidential election, which was subsequently won by a candidate who bragged that his hands were large, suggesting that his penis was also large in a move that brings to mind the classical “the lady doth protest too much”? For the record, American men, according to the Ulster University survey, measure up an underwhelming 96 out of the 113 countries surveyed.

So while these connections might be merely causal, if it stops even one war, an analysis of the penis sizes of those global leaders with penises would allow us to collectively chart a more peaceful path to a future absent any of the present “I’ll show you” politicking that leads to strife despite all of the hoo-ha crediting other reasons for conflict.

Or, more directly — and where you had probably guessed this was going — gynecocracy, or a heightened political involvement of women. Even if there is evidence laid out by New York University scholars Oeindrila Dube and S.P. Harish to suggest otherwise. After an analysis of the reign of 28 queens in Europe between 1480 and 1913, Dube and Harish noticed that there was a 27 percent increase in wars when a queen ruled when compared to the reign of a king. But in the modern era, while Margaret Thatcher did go to war over the Falklands, and Indira Gandhi, Chandrika Kumaratunga and Golda Meir were no shrinking violets, there is no one we presently describe as “The Female Hitler” or “The Distaff Duce.”

Should men be banned from political life? No. But watched more carefully? Yes. Very specifically with an eye to that which we keep most secret.

10 Countries With Men With the Smallest Penises

  • South and North Korea: 3.8 inches (9.66 cm)
  • Cambodia: 4 inches (10.04 cm)
  • Thailand: 4 inches (10.16 cm)
  • India: 4 inches (10.24 cm)
  • Burma: 4.2 inches (10.7 cm)
  • Taiwan: 4.2 inches (10.78 cm)
  • the Philippines: 4.2 inches (10.85 cm)
  • China: 4.3 inches (10.89 cm)
  • Sri Lanka: 4.3 inches (10.89 cm)
  • Japan: 4.3 inches (10.92)

10 Countries With Men With the Largest Penises

  • Congo: 7.1 inches (17.93 cm)
  • Ecuador: 6.9 inches (17.77 cm)
  • Ghana: 6.7 inches (17.31 cm)
  • Colombia: 6.7 inches (17.03 cm)
  • Venezuela: 6.7 inches (17.03 cm)
  • Lebanon: 6.6 inches (16.82 cm)
  • Cameroon: 6.5 inches (16.67 cm)
  • Bolivia: 6.5 inches (16.51 cm)
  • Hungary: 6.5 inches (16.51 cm)

From an unverified study by Richard Lynn, professor emeritus at Ulster University in Northern Ireland

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