Your Hands Registered Weapons Yet? OZY's Self Defense Guide to the Rescue - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Your Hands Registered Weapons Yet? OZY's Self Defense Guide to the Rescue

Your Hands Registered Weapons Yet? OZY's Self Defense Guide to the Rescue

By Eugene S. Robinson

If the end times are coming so be it. Here's how to get and stay prepared for the apocalypse tomorrow.


Because asses aren't going to kick themselves.

By Eugene S. Robinson

In a world of perpetual threats, even something like a ground squirrel staring at you slightly askance could be cause for concern. Factor in Bugaloos, Antifa, Proud Boys, Bloods, Crips, La Cosa Nostra, MS-13, Aryan Nations, the KKK or just generalized real world lunacy, and suddenly taking care of the possibility that you’ll have to “take care” of someone doesn’t just seem like the purview of the paranoid.

Moreover, if you understand that the other half of being able to defend yourself is being in shape to defend yourself then you can get a handle on just what needs to be done to not get done up. Which is to say, when it comes to being prepared for the worst, what the hell is keeping you from preparing for the worst?

Oh, you don’t know who to trust? This is where I come in. Not only did I pen Fight, Or Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Ass Kicking But Were Afraid You’d Get Your Ass Kicked for Asking, but I’ve been preparing for just this very thing since I was nine years old.

So come and walk awhile with me while we jump feet first into The OZY Self Defense Guide … which is to say: Put up yer dukes!

How long have you been putting your car keys between your fingers on those late night walks to cars parked in parking garages that make it seem like you’re just about to star in a news report about some sorry SOB who parked in the wrong parking garage? Years, right?

But you ever try to punch anything with your keys between your fingers?

Unless you go right for the eyeballs, and many lack the fortitude to actually blind someone even if it’ll save their lives, it’s doomed to fail. Mix in a winter coat or someone who knows they’re going to do you harm while you’re still trying to figure out if they’re going to, and you can see failure is in your immediate future.

Safety Survival Ring

This is a space where you can’t actually afford to fail. Which is why I’m going for the Brutus Bulldog Self Defense Keychain. If you know how to throw a punch, throwing a pronged punch, even if it just grazes an assailant? Will change someone’s day. Let’s just hope it’s yours and for the better. And theirs for the worse.

Tactical Self Defense Pen

And up the hill from this? If you anticipate having a scant few seconds to pull out a pen, the Titanium Self Defense Pen is the one to pull out when you have to have something with which to jab away your troubles. In a pinch this will work precisely because no one would expect it to. But where there’s a way there’s often a will.

Hand Chain Saw

Speaking of which our most favorite thing in the world is the repurposing of things sold as harmless tchotchkes but in actual fact, for everyone in the know, they’re anything but. Like the Pocket ChainSaw. Sure they throw the word “camping” in there when they talk about it but that’s not what anyone was thinking when one got used on Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

A Parachute? Yes.

But since we really do like the idea of getting out of trouble just as fast as we get into it and there is no shame in the martial art of sprinting? We’re all about getting into shape for it by sprinting. But since any idiot can run what we really want to do is be able to run faster. Which is why at least four days a week we’re working with…wait for it…a parachute. This version, sold as a kids’ toy, will have to be repurposed with a harness that you can make from rope but it’s still the cheapest way to work some resistance into your mad dash to defensive retreating. Some physics big brain can tell you how much drag it applies to your attempts to get both faster and stronger but all we know is it can really change your outlook on life. While there’s always concern about the joints and knees when running, sprinting up hills with these babies will make doing any sort of running without them…magical.

Tough to the Core

Everyone is talking about their core and core strength, none of which will mean anything to you until you actually try fighting someone and realize that even if you’re not losing in the first 20 seconds, fatigue makes cowards of us all, and in the remainder of that minute you’re just scrambling after exit strategies. Which is where these monsters come in handy: sliding exercise disks. If you can go a minute with these things? You’re almost there. Easy to pack, easier to carry.

And now for the lightning round, our Top 3 Things You’ll Need to Get In Fighting Shape.

1. Jump Rope

You’ll need to work up to this. Believe me. Because if you can jump rope for even THREE MINUTES without stopping? We can have a conversation. make it to more than five minutes, and you’re a bonafide fitness badass.

2. Resist!

Though our friend Brooks Kubik absolutely loves lifting things, the odder the shapes and sizes, the happier he is, we’ve figured out when considering fighting fitness it’s a different kind of muscle that’s needed since any opponent will not stop until you’ve lost. So? So: resistance bands. Not like bad traffic and someone backsassing you, resistance bands will oppose you as long as you’ve got the muscle to keep pushing it. A must have.

3. Legal Speed

If you want to get fueled up for a hard workout, you’ll have to get fueled up hard. My advice? Don’t take it in the afternoon if you plan on sleeping at night. Even if you’re going to work out in the afternoon, screw it: take it in the morning. You’ll thank me later.

So there you have it. Set phasers to lean, mean, fighting machine and let the good make right this evil wrong.

Sign up for the weekly newsletter!

Related Stories