A Gift Guide 4 Teens Who Already Own Everything Anyone Could Ever Own
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because what teenagers need they will never ask for.
By Eugene S. Robinson
If you think this is going to be one of those “kids today” pieces you’ll be sorely disappointed with our take, and that’s that kids today are pretty OK. Sure, they never walked to school through the snow, or had to play Pong, a video game with one bouncing white dot. They never had to dive into dumpsters behind the 7-11 to fish out Playboy magazines. They never had to fight like DOGS IN THE STREET FOR JUST ONE SCRAP OF RANCID BREAD like.…
Like we were saying, kids today are just fine. But when you’re carrying a phone that gives you all of the music, movies, video games and friends in the world that you want what could you get that might actually really surprise/delight you?
We know. And now so do you. Forthwith, The OZY Gift Guide 4 Teens Who Already Own Everything Anyone Could Ever Own.
First off, teens are way too tense. Credit/blame hormones, COVID-19, competitive schooling, the psychoactive drugs we’ve been jamming down their throats for hangnails and nerves, class struggle, divorce rates, Trump and school shootings. So while we’re quite sure they don’t need to get this from you, by giving you also show what you believe should be valued. And taking it easy? Always the best way to make it through tough times. CBD will do it for you, daytime and nighttime. And it won’t screw up your study time, so you won’t tank your grades and have to be stuck in this hellhole forever. We got your back, kids.
Rise + Shine? Nah…
If you have a room and you can actually see the floor of your room? Count yourself lucky. If you have a roommate who also likes to see the floor free of debris and day old sandwiches you also very possibly have a roommate who appreciates the genius of how little it actually takes to keep it that way. And now something to make it even easier to do so: a robot-esque janitor! Get one! Before it figures out also how to KILL you!
We Want Your Skulls!
I know my sense of badass is hidebound to whatever was coming out of Detroit in the late ’60s with wheels on it but I can appreciate the environment and caring about it and stuff and no one needs a Mustang. But biking to class in style? I got it. And yeah, I’ve seen those helmets with the flashing lights on them. The ones that look ree-dick-culous. But for the muscle car junkie in me/you/your kid? A laser-eyed skull! I want one of these so bad. SO bad. So bad I’d go back to college again JUST to get one.
Do Mr. Bond? We Want U to Not Die!
If you’re lucky enough to have a car of your own to drive, it’s probably better, in total, to be able to keep driving it than not. Besides which having a car is fantasy projection to the nth degree and for the kind of safety I’m usually concerned about I have to turn to James Bond who somehow got entrusted with cars worth hundreds of thousands dollars, destroyed them and got more of them. In order to NOT destroy whatever you’re driving? A night vision dashboard camera. I’m totally unsure whether you can use these things to save the Earth but it’s worth a try.
Open Up + Say “AH”!
COVID-19 is not over. And as it hits more Gen Zers and millennials, paranoia will reign supreme and — wait a minute — you feeling kind of feverish? OMG. Could it be? Get one of these — a noncontact infrared thermometer — and take it with you wherever you go. Take your temperature every minute. Why isn’t this an app already?
Are you ready for our lightning round? Here we go: The Top 3 Things to Get Teens Who Already Own Everything Anyone Could Ever Own.
1] A fitness pack: You don’t have to even move very far from your phone. It’s all here. Screw going to a gym. Have the gym come to you.
2] A solar panel: You shouldn’t even have to ask why you need something that lets you draw power off of the sun but we’ll give you a hint: the apocalypse and
3] A massage gun: OK, we went a little crazy with that whole Skynet/apocalypse thing. Back to the calming message of yore: a massage gun. More reliable than any human, and reciprocity is not an issue. So: perfect.
And there you have it. Now enjoy it. At least you don’t have to walk to school through the snow, or play Pong, a video game with one bouncing white dot or dive into dumpsters behind the 7-11 to fish out Playboy magazines or fight like DOGS IN THE STREET FOR JUST ONE SCRAP OF RANCID BREAD.…