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Bad Timing: A Sexual Obsession
EUGENE, SIR: He wants to have sex when he wants to have sex, which is not always when I want to have it. If I don’t want to have it when he wants to have it, it becomes such a big deal that I really don’t want to have it. So it becomes a thing. Is there an easy way for couples to negotiate this? We don’t want to break up, but we’ve been together for two years. We’re 30 and I, personally, don’t see this changing unless maybe I change it, but who wants to have sex with someone who is having sex with them as a favor? —Tali
Dear Talladega: This is really almost a no-win battle. If he wants it less than you? You’re concerned that he’s not as into you as you are into him. Which could be what he’s thinking about now. Well, that and you going all Lysistrata on him in some kind of weird power play. Which it may be. The point is no matter which way the pieces are moved, no one is winning this and yet, if you think about it, it’s probably virtually impossible for two people to have one sex drive. So you hope for a close-but-no-cigar scenario that you both can live with and that living with it doesn’t result in just being the closest witness to the death of sex for youse two.
But my attitude? Whether I cook a meal for you that you eat alone or I cook a meal that we eat together, I’m just jazzed to have made you happy. If, in my efforts to make you happy, I cook a meal that you don’t want to eat, then I’d hope that you’d not mind me eating it alone. Understanding, as you should, that if I am eating alone too often, I might just find someone else who is OK with turning eating back into dining. All analogies aside, the truth remains: We don’t often say no to that which we believe is GREAT, so our nos frequently come with the unspoken understanding that we’re saying no to something we don’t believe is great, and you know as well as I do that living life with the less than great is for the birds.
How do you “negotiate” in a way to keep both people happy? How do you make sex sound orders of magnitude LESS sexy? Well, use words like “negotiate,” for starters, unless you’re dealing with professionals. And secondly: You don’t. Are you going to trade one fellatio for nonspecific later-to-be-named sex acts?
Ugh. This might sound ugly, but honestly, I’ve never seen this get better. Like never, ever. Let him/set him free. And you too while you’re at it, since if you’ve got the time, you should be using it to find a shoe that fits you.
Picking a Bone With Onan
EUGENE, SIR: Should I be jealous about how much my wife masturbates? Yes, I work and she doesn’t, and she still has sex with me whenever I want to have sex, but masturbating twice a day seems like a lot to me. —Adam
Dear 1-Adam-12: You’ve almost got almost all of this right. You’re disturbed that your wife is spending a lot of alone time when she’s alone. But methinks the disturbance comes from an innate sense that jealousy is just the canary in the coal mine. I mean, any spoken conversation of significance between two people is immediately subtitled by a second, more silent, conversation. In other words, there’s what we say versus what we mean. Sometimes these flow together. Sometimes not.
In this instance, you might be wondering if her masturbating twice a day is a sign that not having sex twice a day is a problem. Moreover, is it a problem you can solve with your penis? If it is a problem you can solve with your penis, can you do so on the regular or is toning her down easier than you tuning yourself up? And, ultimately, will all of this lead to her subbing out your husbandly duties to ready and willing delivery dudes, postal workers and guys in her yoga class?
I don’t know, Adam, but I do know this: Having the time to masturbate twice a day is a luxury, and only rich people can afford luxuries. Or to quote Lou Reed: “Some people like to go out dancing/Other people like us, we gotta work.” Now if she’s got enough juice after a 10-hour workday to still lay it down twice a day, you need to step up. I suspect, though, the schedules will match up much more equitably, and this will cease to be a problem.
Which it really shouldn’t be anyway. In case you haven’t figured this out yet, masturbating alone is fundamentally a different animal than even masturbating with someone else. So, this could be like getting jealous of her brushing her teeth. Or not. Lots of variables, but the first one that needs to be dealt with? Turning your household into a two-income household!
EUGENE, SIR: I am confused. I just discovered my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his friends. A male friend. They were drinking, he said, and it was an accident. I want to forgive him, but this seems wrong in a lot of ways and I feel guilty for feeling that way. Advice? —NM
Dear Not Me: That he’s cheated on you with another dude means nothing to me, necessarily. The fact that you use the word “cheated” implies that this was not part of any sort of prior agreement, so I’m going to have to call bullshit on the sleight of hand that has you feeling impolitic for being angry that it was with a dude. I’d not say you’re a homophobe, if that’s what you’re thinking. I would say you’re a lover-having-another-lover-phobe. Makes lots of sense to me.
The question remains, though: What are you going to live with? The stumbling drunken excuses of a wanton lover? Or love without aforementioned wanton lover? The choice is clearly yours. But if you choose the former, expect nothing more. Good luck.