Why you should care
Because some speeches parody themselves.
Do you like Mad Libs and awkward speeches by political candidates? Well, now you and your friends can celebrate the end of this election season by donning your speechwriting caps, printing out this article and crafting the perfect concession remarks for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton (or both!).
Donald Trump’s Concession Speech
Wow. _________ [exclamation]. This is some group. There must be _____ [big number] of you. There’s never been a crowd like this. Ever. Thank you.
I have just called Secretary Clinton to congratulate her on her _________ [noun].
I also want to thank my wife, Melania. She would have been a _________ [adjective] first lady — am I right? I also want to thank my children. I’m very proud of my family. They’re a _________ [adjective] family.
And we have run the most _________ [adjective] campaign in history. Just tremendous. With the largest rallies, the most _________ [adjective] supporters and the best donors. Just top-notch. During the primary, we beat over _____ [large number] other Republican candidates. And don’t let the mainstream media fool you with their electoral maps and vote tallies: We beat _________ [adjective, derogatory] Hillary!
Our country, as you know, is in serious trouble. We don’t have ______________ [noun, plural] anymore. We used to have _________ [noun, plural], but we don’t have them today. Our _________ [noun, plural] are like from a third-world country. We’ve been losing all the time. We lose with our _________ [noun, plural], we lose with _________ [activity ending in -ing], we lose with everything.
We also lose with elections. We don’t have elections like we used to. I’m afraid this election has been rigged, I have to be _________ [adjective]. I do. Over _____ [huuuge number] dead people voted today. Voter fraud was also very, very common, I’m told. I don’t know — dead people, illegal immigrants, fraudsters and _________ [noun, plural]. And they all voted for Hillary? Let me tell you.
But congratulations to my opponent. Seriously. Such a _________ [adjective, derogatory] woman. Typical politician: all talk, no action. She’s been _________ [activity ending in -ing] her entire adult life and nothing has changed for anyone. But she did manage to rig this election, I’ll give her that much.
What’s going to happen when she becomes president? It’s going to get worse than under Obama. Hillary will never make America _________ [adjective] again. She’s controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the _________ [noun, plural], fully. She’s going to raise our _________ [noun, plural] and send our _________ [noun, plural] to other countries. She’s going to expand _________ [noun]-killing Obamacare. The American Dream is _________ [adjective]. Sad!
But we are not done. I am not done. We are going to take our fight to the _________ [place, plural] and to cable television. We’re going _________ [verb, infinitive] bigly. I will build a great media empire, and nobody builds television better than me — believe me. I will be the greatest network president that God ever created. And I will have _________ [noun, plural] pay for that network.
Thank you. Thank you very much. And God bless the _________ [adjective] States of America!
Hillary Clinton’s Concession Speech
Well, this isn’t exactly the party I’d planned, but I sure like the _________ [things you find at a party].
I want to start by saying how grateful I am to all of you, to everyone who poured your hearts into this campaign, who lined the streets waving _________ [noun, plural], who scrimped and saved to give $_____ [large number] checks to my super PACs, who knocked on _____ [noun, plural] and made calls, and who argued about my _________ [adjective] emails with your friends and neighbors.
To the _________ [adjective] people, like the 13-year-old from Mayfield, Ohio, who had been saving for four years to go to _________ [fun place] and decided to use her savings instead so that I could launch one more negative ad in a purple state. And to all those women who cast their votes for our campaign, like 88-year-old _________ [name of person] from Des Moines, Iowa, who died last March but who still voted today to send a _________ [adjective] message.
I entered this race because I have an old-fashioned conviction that public service is about _________ [verb ending in -ing] people. I will continue to stand strong with you every time, every place, every four years. The _________ [noun, plural] we share are worth fighting for.
Today I suspend my campaign and I congratulate Donald on the _________ [adjective] victory he has won and the _________ [adjective] race he has run. I have been in this campaign with him for months. I have gone toe to toe with him in debates, and I have seen his _________ [character trait], his _________ [adjective] words and his grit. And when the times comes for him to be sworn in as the next president, I will _________ [verb] him.
America is at a moment of reckoning. Powerful forces are threatening to _________ [verb] us. Donald wants us to fear the future and fear _________ [noun, plural]. He says he wants to make America great again — well, he could start by actually making _________ [noun, plural] in America again.
Now, on a personal note, I am a woman and, like millions of women, I know there are still plenty of _________ [noun, plural] out there that stand in our way. Although we weren’t able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, we did manage to put a few _________ [noun, plural] in it.
Thank you all. And God bless you, and God bless America.