Whose Fault Is Shoddy Sex?

Whose Fault Is Shoddy Sex?

Why you should care

Because bad sex goes bad … fast.

“Rough” vs. Rough

EUGENE, SIR: What’s the deal with everybody being into “rough” sex? What does it even mean? I think if one more guy takes a feeble swat at my ass during sex or tries to act like pulling my hair is original or interesting, I’ll puke. And for the guys obsessed with rough sex, if you don’t like women — as it seems like you don’t — why don’t you just screw dudes, which I think is what you really want to anyway? God. How did sex become so fucking boring? And when? Go ahead and use my name, I don’t care. Not like I’m missing anything. — Lisa

Dear Lisa Lisa Cult Jamming: I have seen dogs with more style than men, although not many dogs have style,” Charles Bukowski wrote in 1972. Forty-six years later, it’s more true than not and more true than ever. But the lame mimicry that passes for style these days is not gender limited, it just hits us all at different times and in different ways. I’m writing this on a Friday afternoon in front of a Friday night that I’m sure will see a large demographic, in advance of an evening out, gather around an evening-out uniform of high heels, tight clothing and revealing necklines. Not because this is reflective of any sort of inner essence, which is exactly how style is different from fashion, but because it’s effective.

Effective, that is, if the game is “made you look.” But for hetero men, especially hetero men who tend to talk to each other in a way that doesn’t set them up for effective transmission of useful information — aka “talking shit” — they’re left taking their cues in private. From things that are enjoyed in private. Things like porn.

Now, people who are in the business of porn are in a business that needs to at least appear to be new. And, much more important, REAL. Which is why men in hetero porn are so important. While female porn stars might be faking it, a fluid-bearing male orgasm is as real as it gets. So the authenticity imparted by real must join with new, which is why there are trends in porn. So, from the gonzo of the late 1990s that saw plots disappear outside of a headline setup (“Cheating MILFs,” “Blacks on Blondes”), producers had to think of something else to spice it up.

This something else? “Extreme” porn. And hence the birth of the lame attempts to somehow duplicate something that seems real and feels new — with the uninspired hair pulling and ass slapping and whatnot — and that by all accounts has screwed up your sex life.

Will it get better? For you? No idea. But maybe this clears the way for a welcome break and a development of your interest in something other than sex with knuckleheads. I hope.

Skinema

EUGENE, SIR: I like sex movies. My wife didn’t like them at first but now she does. She only likes one kind of movie, though: two men and a woman. Does this mean anything? — Yahia

Dear Yeah Yeah Yahia: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes it’s a sex toy. So while some are perfectly fine with fantasies remaining fantasies, in this case it could also be a silent voicing of a desire to do what you and she are seeing done. And while you might think it’s easy enough for fantasies to remain so, there is an old expression about not drawing pictures of the devil. Which you sort of have done by making porn part of your pas de deux. Which is sort of exactly what it’s good for since now you two can decide, considering all available options and away from the heat of the moment, where this is going and how far.

So what does a proclivity for guy-girl-guy porn mean? Everything or nothing, but if you decide to go beyond porn as a fantasy, know this is sophisticated, pro-level stuff and not to be toyed with by amateurs prone to jealousy, brandishing firearms or possessed of penis-size concerns. Outside of that, good luck!

Young Love, Ageless and Evergreen. And Nervous

EUGENE, SIR: I am a young boy of 19. I want to ask you if it is right to fuck a girl at 19? Does it cause any harm to the body? — Hrishikesh

Dear H-Man: Is sex harmful? Sure. You could get your feelings hurt. You could also get any number of diseases. Moreover, you could get your partner pregnant or you could be shot to death by an angry father or a jealous husband. In all fairness you could also get hit by a car, electrocuted by a faulty toaster or die as a result of eating a poison mushroom while not having sex. Which is to say: Life is full of risks. Minimizing them makes for smart business.

But bodily harm? From something outside of the aforementioned? Not as far as I know, but better to be prepared than not. Though digging into your question deeper, it dawns on me that I don’t know whether or not the girl in question is also 19. So I’ll add this: If she’s under the age of consent, whatever that is where you live, you will be guilty of statutory rape. Duly informed, go forth now and make only good decisions, young sir.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.