When Porn Memes Invade Your Sex Life

When Porn Memes Invade Your Sex Life

Why you should care

Because bad sex actually IS someone’s fault. 

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Bi, Cis, Trans, Oh, My!

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost seven years. We met in high school and have really only dated each other. A year or two ago, she moved to another city for about eight months. We did the long-distance thing. It was hard, but we made it work. However, her living on her own in another city surrounded by different people made her realize that she’s bisexual.

I was fine with this, but it didn’t stop there. When she moved back, she confided in me that she doesn’t really identify as a woman and is on the trans/genderfluid spectrum. I accept her for who she is and love her, of course, but this change in identity has had changes elsewhere too: She cut her hair short and traded dresses for baggy pants and jumpers, and she discarded all the lovely lingerie she had. Sex is sex, and it’s fine as is, but I’ve noticed things aren’t nearly as exciting as they were before she moved away. We used to be into pet names, collars, toys, not BDSM stuff, but we were branching out, slowly.

Since she moved away and back, that branch has been cut and now everything is … kinda boring? I notice in myself a dramatic decrease in the need to have sex with her, as I’m just becoming less and less sexually attracted to her, and her being still an affection-craving person, she has been left in the cold almost. I have no good friends and our families are naturally quite close. If we were to break up, I can only imagine myself being completely alone, and that terrifies me, but as it is now, my happiness only seems to be drifting further away. I love her as more of a friend and not as a lover, I guess.

I’d also like to add that we have talked, but nothing has ever actually come of it. I’ve tried branching back out. I’ve bought her toys as a surprise, and she told me she liked the look of men in lingerie, so I surprised her and bought some of my own, for example. But I can’t shake the feeling that, despite what I may be willing to do for her, she’s not willing to do anything for me because she deems, for instance, wearing lingerie “uncomfortable.” I’d agree (I know), but I wore it for her because I’m willing to be uncomfortable to make her happy. This is really eating me up. What do I do? —Confused, Worried + Scared

Dear Categorically Won’t Succeed: If you all met in high school, you two were somewhere between the ages of 14 and 18, let’s just say. So let’s assume a median age of 16. Seven years later would put youse two at 23. It may be hard to see what you’re doing while you’re doing it, but your life, on a long enough timeline, makes changes big, changes small, small ones that lead to big ones and big ones that lead to smaller but maybe much more complex ones. In that time, any relationship will shift, adjust and readjust to the whims and the directives of the actors being acted upon, as well as the actors acting, and your lover is clearly trying to figure out where and who she is, it seems. This is a fairly natural development. A development not with consequence, though.

Which is to say that, while this might resolve itself in your favor, it also might not. And you should be prepared for either. Until then (and I’d personally not give this “figuring-out phase” more than a year before I bolted), let her lead the charge. I suspect she’s trying to figure out if this means that she is a gay man and still likes men or is a lesbian and prefers women. Dressing you up is a step toward figuring this out. But this is like driving … you can’t teach anyone to drive by driving for them, and so this remains: It’s her deal to make sense of. Be patient, be ready to bolt and keep a clear eye on what feels good to YOU too. And, oh yeah: Make a friend of masturbation for the time being.

Your families will figure it out, and if it ends, you’ll move on. It’s life, and it should be noted: It’s much more fun if you’re not abjectly miserable while living it.

Roughly, Yes

EUGENE, SIR: Why is what’s hot, wild and crazy, sexually speaking, so nonsexy? Hair pulling? Slapping? Some other shit the last three men I’ve slept with have tried to pull just felt like porn memes. —Beth

Dear Beth, I Hear You Crying: Anything done sans enthusiasm? The textbook definition of a drag. A bored cook is more than likely a bad cook. Conversely, even bad music played enthusiastically can be a thrill. So it goes that the seemingly long list of behaviors that feel picked from porn in art either imitating life or life imitating art — hair pulling, slapping, spitting, choking, verbal abuse, and the list goes on — in the hands of an enthusiast? Might be cooler than not. At the very least, it’s a blast sometimes getting swept away in a torrent of someone else’s enthusiasm. However, the perfunctory? Very few fans of the perfunctory. Because in those quiet spells during what feels like someone going through the motions, you might start to have thoughts like yours. So methinks it’s not the actions, it’s the actors. Find better actors, and if this doesn’t improve your outlook, then we can/will go all Plato on the prospect of porn poisoning the well from which all gloriously executed filth springs.

XL

EUGENE, SIR: I want a large penis. Is that wrong? But where can I get one? —S

Dear Schlongy: Unclear which end of the equation you’re interested in enjoying the penis from, but if I am not mistaken, you’re either asking me how to find one that could be used on you or how to have one that you could use, yes? The former is easier than the latter, since usually nearly all men will make the claim that they indeed have a pretty good idea of where you could find a large one. And get this? It’s never very far away from the man being questioned. Barring that, any online dating query about prodigious penises will weed out the underperformers. One proviso: Ask for an accounting in known units of measurement BEFORE you meet/meat. And greet.

However, if you want YOUR penis to be larger? As I’ve said before in past columns, this is much dicier, insofar as surgery is always dicey and penis pumps don’t work. Your best bet here? Be truthful about your size and hope someone’s interested in however much you’re packing, whatever you’re packing. Good luck.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.

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