When Hefty Makes You Horny

When Hefty Makes You Horny

Why you should care

Because it’s not enough to be good if you’re not getting better.

Creep or Not Creep?

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend and I were having sex the other night and he had his laptop by the bed. At one point, a pillow fell off the bed and onto the laptop, stopping the screen saver and revealing that he had been filming us. That wasn’t strange — he and I have filmed ourselves before. Him filming without telling me, that’s strange. So I mention it, thinking it wasn’t that big a deal since if he had told me, I wouldn’t have objected. But his reaction — total indignation — has me upset and concerned. This was not just an oversight as he’s claiming, right? Should I dump him? — Nicole

Dear I Spied: I worked once with Bill Cosby, on the altogether execrable film Leonard Part 6. In the very recent public meditation regarding the multiple accusations of rape and sexual abuse against Cosby, the question that keeps coming up regarding his “allegedly” drugging dozens of women is “Why?” Being rich and famous in America is usually the key to a succession of willing sexual partners if that’s your desire. So why slip them the knockout drops to do what they would have done without the knockout drops?

Or, why would your beau film you two screwing without telling you, when if he had told you, you would have been more than OK with him doing so? It seems so simple when it’s spelled out that way that it’s probably exactly how the forest hides amid the trees. It feels like forever that I’ve been saying the issue with sex is always trangression, and without transgression you could be doing just about anything else banal to wind out your day. Hence the persistent naughty French maid trope. Or bad boys who need to be punished. From the outside? Seeming affectations that sometimes border on the laughable. But from the inside? Sex fuel for the sexy adding the frisson that makes this very much different from brushing your teeth.

However, it’s the transgressions you choose that make the difference between creepy cool and creepy creepy. Sneaking is rarely sexy unless it’s under a table in a crowded restaurant. It has everything to do with whether or not it’s a secret you two are sharing or one he’s keeping from you as well. So here you go: Yes, it’s creepy, and yes, you should dump him.

Not Showing, Not Growing

EUGENE, SIR: We swing and have for a while. All of our friends know, and they’re OK with the lifestyle. We’re OK that they’re OK. One of our friends, a single man we’ll call “Alex,” wanted to come along once. He was persistent and seemed game. He had just gone through a divorce, so my wife and I thought it might be good for him. But when he showed up, his energy was all wrong. Nothing you could put your finger on until we did. He had the smallest penis any of us had ever seen. Not just small for someone who is 6-foot-4 but for any adult male. It was a party killer, for sure. We got through the night without incident, but he keeps asking us about the next one. How do we let him down easy? — SR

Dear The Short List: The Chimp Chill Out, also known as the Hollywood Fade, works well for me, even if nowadays everyone is calling it ghosting. There’s lots of whining about how cruel it is, but did anyone ever really get closure from “the Talk”? Did it ever really help? That is, hearing it face to face? No, because you know before you hear someone say it, so why make them say it? Outside of some weirdly ritualistic humiliation? Take my word for it, it’s much better to just disappear. He may not thank you for it now, but he’d never forgive you for telling him what he should already know.

Weighty Matters

EUGENE, SIR: My wife is gaining weight. I like big women, but my wife does not like being a big woman. She feels less sexy the bigger she gets, but the bigger she gets the sexier I think she is, but she doesn’t want to have sex. How do I persuade her that it’s OK? — BBW Lover

Dear Size King: You got yourself Gift-of-the-Magi’ized, sir. She has probably given up exercising more often to stay home and have sex with you, which has caused her to gain weight, which causes her to not feel sexy, even though you prefer her heavier … oy. Some would advise better communication, but that’s less of an issue than a theorem I call the Collective Man. She expects you to find her sexy no matter what. That’s what you signed on for, and if you’re any kind of a good husband, you were glad to do it. But you’re only part of the picture.

The rest of the picture is composed of the Collective Man. The sounding board of dudes on the street, errant looks at bars and restaurants, a regular Greek chorus of approval that most women only notice when it stops. And for your wife, it sounds like it may have stopped. Of course, it’s probably not stopping because of the weight but because of her sending off very-married vibes, but that doesn’t matter.

When you get older and wiser, you adjust to the reality that this is fleeting, but until then? You have no other choice but to head back to the gym, and you with her. It’s better for you all in the long run, anyway.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.

  • Sex Partying for Pros
    Sex Partying for Pros
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    Sex Partying for Pros

    OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

  • The PDB Weekly Quiz
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    The PDB Weekly Quiz

    Have you stayed on top of everything that’s intriguing and important this week? Let’s see whether you’re presidential … or intern material.

  • The PDB Weekly Quiz
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    The PDB Weekly Quiz

    Have you stayed on top of everything that’s intriguing and important this week? Let’s see whether you’re presidential … or intern material.

  • Don't Let the Small Size Fool You
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    Don't Let the Small Size Fool You

    OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

  • The PDB Weekly Quiz
    Wildcard

    The PDB Weekly Quiz

    Have you stayed on top of everything that’s intriguing and important this week? Let’s see whether you’re presidential … or intern material.