Vanilla Sex, Lusty Lunacy + Lonesome Threesomes

Vanilla Sex, Lusty Lunacy + Lonesome Threesomes

Why you should care

Because sexy sex is much more fun than unsexy sex.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

The Probability of Change

EUGENE, SIR: I’m with the most amazing guy of my life in all aspects except in the bedroom. He’s so vanilla that it’s like having sex with a ghost. No dirty talk — in fact, not a peep from him. No moans, no grunts, nothing. Quiet as a mouse. He refuses any butt play — I can’t touch or lick his, and he refuses to go anywhere near mine. I understand it’s something that some people enjoy and some find repulsive. But my feelings are that if you love someone, you should do whatever it takes to please them in the bedroom. Butt play is something I’ve always enjoyed. He believes that butts are dirty (mine is not — I am a clean freak) and that any form of butt play, whether it be fingers, tongue or cock, is unsanitary. I am willing to do anything to please my man and he knows it. This notion is not reciprocated. It’s the same sex, same position, every single time. I’ve tried everything to spice it up, but then he starts having erection/performance problems. Is this a lost cause? Am I destined for boring sex the rest of my life? I love the guy and refuse to cheat, so that’s not an option. I’m just looking for what I can do or say to get him to at least be French vanilla. — Straps and Handcuffs Retired to Box in Closet

Dear Bedknobs + Broomsticks: Actually, the notion motivating your letter — a willingness to do/try anything — is what’s NOT reciprocated. Specifically, because what he wants to do/try is have quiet, unprofane, ghostly, unvarying position, inconsistent erection, no-butt-play sex. And presuming he’s not a virgin, this is what he’s done for a while and this is what, based on past performance, you should probably expect him to continue doing. Your refusal to accept this, you see, masks the obvious: You two are sexually incompatible. And lovers are not really menus where you can feel/be sated if the appetizer is good and the meal is good but the dessert is crap. While it’s great that he’s amazing, he can also be an amazing FRIEND without the two of you suffering through this push-me-pull-you thing that, I believe, will end in his mounting discomfort and your frustration. Which is to say that the likelihood of this resolving itself in a way that pleases you is low.

How do I know? I’ve been writing sex columns since the late ’90s and have yet to see ANY success stories that start out like your story is starting out. I wish there were, but there are not. Sex is sometimes caste-bound, and while shrinking violets sometimes become crouching tigers, it’s much more rare that the actors seek their own levels. In another place. With other people. Especially if you factor in life’s hurdles: marriage, children, in-laws, illness, aging. Wish I could be more upbeat about this but I can’t. But feel free to disregard me. I mean, there are lots of things out there more exciting than sex. Like … um … hmm. Well, WATERSKIING is pretty exciting. So is ski biking if you live in colder climes. Yep. A thrill a minute. Sigh …

Crazy

EUGENE, SIR: If you’ve got answers, riddle me this, why are all women crazy? — Parker Terry

Dear Physical Therapy: Ah. You know, I was at a dinner party once and this guy started talking to me about polo and what a game of skill it was. How hard it was to play. How special the horses were and how it’s not just a rich guy’s sport. An hour later, with very little prompting from me, he was still talking about polo. It should be noted, I have zero interest in polo. I also know a guy who met, impregnated and then married a woman whom he had failed to tell he was a porn star. I also know a woman who cheated on her man 21 times but thought because she only had anal sex in the garage with her lovers, teammates of his, it was more respectful. Yeah. From where I sit, there’s plenty of crazy to go around, so “why?” is not nearly as interesting as “why not?” in regards to love lunacy. And just to be clear: I have no idea.

Lonesome Threesome

EUGENE, SIR: I’m a girl in a relationship with a guy and another girl. For the past three years, the relationship has been strictly me doing them. Neither of them are interested in me. I am very interested in the guy and have been in a relationship with him for more than nine years. My therapist thinks I should leave the situation. What do you think I should do? — SS

Dear Super Sport: You’ve been in some kind of relationship with the guy for nine years. No idea whether the second women was worked into the picture three years ago or whether it has just failed to please for the past three years. Also, no idea if they meet without you, if a formal relationship with you and him yielded to one with her as a third, or how old you all are. Knowing these things could change a little. Or a lot. But based on what we have, I’m going to side with your therapist, though I suspect you’re not being entirely truthful. A suspicion based on the fact that I get the distinct sensation that maybe this pleases you in a way you’re not being entirely forthright about. Especially since nowhere in your query do you state that this situation displeases you. Look, sometimes some people find certain types of “humiliation” quite pleasurable. Your mentioning your lovers’ lack of interest here in the hopes that I’d heap more humiliation on you by castigating your life choice might support this idea. I could suggest that you would be happier in life if you were more honest with yourself, but I don’t know that you’re not. In any case, a simple guide now presents itself to you: If this arrangement gives you pleasure? Stay. If it does not? Do not.

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