Tub Terrors, Hairy Men + Pearly Secrets

Tub Terrors, Hairy Men + Pearly Secrets

Why you should care

Because if you’re not getting better at sex, in all likelihood you’re getting worse.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Hot Tub Terror

EUGENE, SIR: I’m with a woman I fool around with every now and then and we’re at a friend’s house hot-tubbing. I tell them that I’m thirsty. The woman I’m with says, “Sara will show you where to get some drinks.” So Sara gets out of the hot tub, wraps herself in a towel and walks me through her house to the kitchen. When we get there, she opens the refrigerator door, lighting up a few shelves of things to drink, and as she does so she drops her towel and says to me, “See anything you like? To drink?” In my mind this is very definitely “an invitation.” Which I accept when I grab her. She kind of laughs. The woman I’m with hears Sara laugh and when we get back asks her what she was laughing about and Sara tells her what happened. The woman I was with did not find it funny. Huge fight, no one talking to anyone now. Did I read this wrong? — What?

Dear J’Accuse!: As the only son in a predominately female family I can tell you that the languages are oceans apart, and because the oceans are so far apart so sit the mores, habits and cultures of said inhabitants. Specifically, men on one side and women on the other. Some men speak both languages; so do some women. But largely we keep bumping around in dark kitchens trying to figure out which end is up. Something I think you’ve already figured out.

So if you’re speaking “man,” the breakdown is pretty easy. Everyone naked, hot tub, wine, double entendres and the lane is clear, meaning most guys with even the slightest bit of game make the call you made. Guys who are a little smarter than you, also known as guys who speak “woman,” do some quick calculating along the lines of birds, hands and bushes. If you go for the refrigerator queen and she says no and tells no one, you’re in the clear. If she tells, you’re in trouble. If you go for her and she says yes, then you either keep it secret, in which case you’re in the clear, if you care nothing about ethics, or you march back to the tub and suggest everyone go off to a room together to “relax.” Of course if you go back and the woman you came with says no to “relaxing,” then you might have screwed yourself out of either woman.

These calculations all have to be made within seconds, by the way. Did you make the wrong decision? I say no. I say you made a decision that worked out badly for you and your penis, but that doesn’t mean it was a bad decision based on the facts you had at the time. And don’t let anyone tell you any different, because the risk for the reward offered made it worth the gamble and so it goes when things get lost in translation. Which is to say: Better luck next time.

Cute but Hirsute

EUGENE, SIR: “Dan” and I have been together for about a month. He’s great in most every way but one: the hairy back thing. Do I tell him, or only look at him from the front? — Name withheld by request

Dear Hair Hater: If you all had been together for more than a month I might be a little more conciliatory, but the reality of it is that we like those we like because of their representational value as well. Meaning, in some part of your brain you’ve calculated that a man who won’t shave his back or doesn’t notice it’s hairy is probably not going to notice a lot of other things, all of which stand a good chance of grossing you out in the long run. So use the tried-and-true good-girlfriend tactic: “You know what would be really sexy … ?” You can put just about anything in there and most men will do it. It could even be something you do together if that doesn’t nauseate you. But let me take this moment to remind everyone that this is a sex column, so unless you’re behind him when you’re having sex and the hair is interfering with your ability to enjoy whatever you’re doing behind him? I might direct you to Dear Abby. But thanks for writing anyways.

Semen Secrets?

EUGENE, SIR: What is it with men and semen? Some think not swallowing it is a sign of rejection. Some get weird and taboo’d out and need to put it on my face. What happened to just ejaculating inside me when we’re having sex like has happened forever? — Karla

Dear Special K: Sex is a lot like crime in America. During one decade, everyone wants to be the lone gunman. Next decade, everyone wants to be a cult leader with a propensity for group sex, LSD and murder. Similarly, sex, a clearinghouse for our most closely guarded secrets, has trend pattern lines, and now, with generations of kids raised on easily accessible pornography, hunting for taboo along trend lines is increasingly dictated by producers in San Fernando Valley. Adult film star Shilo said it best when describing what chased her out of porn: “Almost every scene ending exactly the same. It was so boring it made me want to scream.” So it goes, and what we’re left with is a lot of agita built up around the symbolic character of semen. This will change, but maybe not in time to help you. But to help you? Drag it out on the table and demystify any such discussions about semen and where it might best land by talking it to death. You’ll ruin the guy’s fun, but at least it clears the way for you to get to the real creative business of screwing.

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