Tricky Threesomes + Porn Envy

Tricky Threesomes + Porn Envy

Why you should care

Because NOT caring about something as crucial as sexy time could clearly result in us mocking you right after you leave the party.

Doubling Trouble

EUGENE, SIR: I really have no idea who to ask what I’m about to ask so you’re it. But I’ve had a fantasy, which my boyfriend is being lovely about, and it involves me being with him and another man. We’ve talked about it, even started to sort of feel out who it might be. He has one concern and it’s a big one for him but during a double penetration will he actually feel the other man’s penis?— No Idea

Dear Weeelllllllll: OK. So specifically what we’re talking about in medical terms is the fascial layer between the vagina and the lower part of the rectum, aka the rectovaginal septum. And beyond that you’re asking if when two penises are in place and involved in various acts of coitus will the actors with penises be physically aware of the other man’s penis? Perhaps driven by homosexual panic? Well, we asked a friend of ours in the know and here’s what he said: ”It’s less about what’s felt when this is happening, since you weirdly enough don’t feel the other man. But it’s more about the positioning by which I mean being on the bottom of this kind of sandwich is only for them most comfortable with their sexuality since having another man rooting away above you, even if there is a woman in between might be a little disconcerting.”

So there you go. Good luck and have fun.

No Go Porno

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend let me use his phone for something or other and while I was I could see that he had been looking at porn. Not a big deal. But while looking at the porn he was looking at after a few pages I noticed that not a single man pictured looked like me. I’m not in bad shape but I look nothing at all like the muscle boys he clearly seems to favor. I know I shouldn’t have looked but I did and now am weirded out enough that he’s been able to tell and I don’t feel like telling why. I mean I know porn is about fantasy but you know… how do I get my head out of this? — Nothing Like Me

Dear Pandora…: How do you unsee what’s once been seen? Not easy and probably not really the desired end anyway. This is what some might call “insecurity” and it’s fueled by a now-not-so-secret belief that you’re not good enough. But look at it this way, while you can always go to a gym in order to make your boyfriend’s fantasy match your reality, if he had been looking at hetero porn? A much harder row to hoe.

Which of course does not help you. Since while going to a gym might make you more muscley, I suspect this is not all that you found bothersome. Maybe they were younger. Maybe they had curly hair and your hair is straight. Maybe they were tall and you are short. Maybe they were black and you are white.

You see where I am heading here? There are dozens of reasons why each and every human relationship might be for shit. But the best and most certain indicator that they might actually mean what they say when they say things to you like I imagine that he might – “I love YOU” – is that he means it because if he didn’t? The world is full of what you are not. He knows this. You do too. So take a deep breath. And try to enjoy what little time you have left minus the corrosive worry elements.

A Small Indiscretion

EUGENE, SIR: I was surprised at home one night by a friend. She just dropped by. The flirt had been at least six months on. She showed up, one thing led to another and we started rolling around and then something that never happened to me before. I came right as she was about to lower herself down on me. Silence. Discomfort and she ultimately left just as quickly as she had come. Or not come. I am ok and partially amused at the outcome but am torn. Should I try to explain myself by way of fixing it or just let it go? — E.E.

Dear Postman: In the sex stadium, absolutely no one will listen to you beyond “this never happened to me before” since they’re thinking too hard on what they’re going to tell their friends about your failure and your failed attempts to explain it away. So that tact is pointless since it’s healthily assumed that, if you’re having sex, probably everything has happened to you before. Yes, sure, there is a first time for everything but no need to commemorate that moment especially when it has anything/something to do with premature ejaculation.

To which Dave Chappelle opines that the “premature” part of that equation is all relative since as far as he is concerned his orgasms always show up on time. Which helps you not at all actually. I’m of the opinion that attempting to explain away failure is always a failed enterprise and while one should always be open to explaining whatever they can and are willing to explain, no amount of chatter will undo what’s been done. Or get the toothpaste back in the tube, so to speak.

Nope. Chalk it up to FFJ, or first-time fooling-around jitters, and hope you get a chance for a second chance. Of course, IF you get a second go-around? Yup. Don’t blow it.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.