The Unwritten Rules of Masturbation

The Unwritten Rules of Masturbation

Why you should care

Because if things are not getting better in the bedroom, in all likelihood they’re getting worse.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Masturbation Consternation

EUGENE, SIR: I happen to masturbate a lot. Is this natural? —Jah Mokwena

Dear Ms. Life Of: No idea what you think a lot is. Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in 2009 studied 5,865 Americans and found that 13.5 percent of the men surveyed masturbate four or more times a week. And unless you’re confused, there are seven days in a week. Women in their 30s? A “whopping” 1.5 percent masturbated that often. Don’t know if this fits your definition of “a lot,” but by now you should have guessed that unless it’s costing you in ways that are either social or professional/financial, who cares? I, myself, masturbate about 37,000 times a week, and sometimes I even touch myself too.

Ba-da-bump! Is this thing on?

Every damned day, buddy!

Straight Up

EUGENE, SIR: I was hanging out with a friend of mine. We had been drinking. He had been saying we should go out and get some head. I borrowed a line that was supposed to have come from John Lennon in a similar circumstance and said, “Yeah. But I don’t want to wait.” He kind of laughed it off but now a week later things are still a little weird. I think he’s being kind of old-fashioned about this. Fixes? —Jamie

Dear Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut: So you made a pass for penis and your pass for penis was not positively received? And the pass receiver feels a little “funny” now? Funny. You know there have been people who have murdered people while drunk, and you’re asking me how to fix a failed pass? Here’s my advice: Forget about it.

You suggested he blow you and he’s taking offense? He should have taken offense the last 10 times you asked for rides to the airport, so yes, I think he’s being a little old-fashioned. UNLESS you’re not telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you asked him like Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? Repeatedly, forcefully and with your pants off? He might have grounds for feeling a little uneasy come Monday.

In any case, homosexual panic is what it is, and jogging him out of it shouldn’t be your job even if you’re the one who panicked him. Mostly because it’ll never work. If someone’s panicking, telling them to “calm down” never works. Waiting it out? Might. But why is it only dudes making passes at friends? In my entire time sitting under the “Help 5 Cents” sign, I’ve only heard of a woman doing this ONE time. Know your audience, my man. Know your audience.

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