The Trouble With Homemade Sex Films

The Trouble With Homemade Sex Films

Why you should care

Because in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed monster is king.

Film Faux Pas

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I enjoy filming ourselves. He got into trading with other amateurs and fans of homemade movies. Someone at my husband’s job just approached him, asking how long we had been in the “lifestyle.” He apparently had seen them online. Which feels beyond weird. But we’re less worried about that and more worried about the possibility of him getting fired for this. Could he? — Name withheld by request

Dear Reluctant Star of the Stage + Screen: Well, that depends. The state of California is an “at will” state, meaning you can be fired/laid off at any time for any reason, and unless you’re part of a protected class or can prove some sort of bias — race, gender, sexual preference, age and so on — you’re probably just looking for a cardboard box to pack up desk supplies before your last walk to the parking lot. But the issue of “moral turpitude,” which has been leveled at those caught up in various imbroglios to separate them from their daily employ, sets up the possibility of mutual assured destruction. I mean, anyone with a beef about you all being there would have to admit that they had been there, and if it’s a specialty site versus some general interest thing like YouPorn, you’re probably in the clear and only have to deal with long, lingering looks across the snack table at the next company get-together.

Which, up against almost anything else you could have drawn negative notice for, in the scheme of things, is not that bad. However, when your actions and/or activities are being measured against the “at least I didn’t KILL anybody” yardstick, you might want to check yourself. Every now and then.

Mistakes of a Man in Love With Drink

EUGENE, SIR: I got drunk, made a pass at a friend’s wife, and he caught me. Now he’s saying he’s going to kick my ass. This is not the problem. The problem is when he was accusing me, I said that I did what I did because I thought they were swingers, and I didn’t know why he was angry since I wouldn’t care if he had sex with my wife. I guess he thought about it, and after he cooled down, he has come back to me to try to take me up on my offer. But I just said that to cool him down. What I mean is, my wife and I are not swingers, and she knows nothing about this or my drunken pass. So if I hold him off, he thinks I’m backing out of some sort of agreement that we didn’t really have, and if he goes straight to her, I’m going to get in trouble. So I need some help here. —Ed

Dear Higher Ed: Man. You really I Love Lucy’d that one, didn’t you? You’d have been better off taking the ass kicking than getting “inventive” and digging a deeper hole that now imperils the whole franchise. I’m not really a crisis manager, but I have no aversion to helping you manage your crisis, and I must say here that we should pull a page from the book of governmental policy and not only say nothing — and thereby avoid making things worse — but do nothing, to thereby avoid making things worse.

I figure it like this: If you made a pass at his wife and there was upset, there’s a possibility that they’re not swingers. If they’re not swingers, then he may be doing what he’s doing without his wife’s buy-in, figuring even if you rat him out, he can just say he was letting you know how it feels and he had no real intention of following through. But even if his wife buys in and he approaches your wife, the fact that you talked about this without her, and here forget about your original drunken antic, is dirty pool and will make your life more difficult.

So, worst-case scenario, he tells your wife. You now go to the second page of the book of governmental policy: obfuscate. I’m not saying to LIE. That would be unethical. And I know very little about ethics. But I am saying that all of this depends on what your definition of “is” is, and why the hell should you be punished for every utterance out of the mouth of a lunatic?

Good luck. You’re going to need it.

The Downside of Rigidity

EUGENE, SIR: I have very specific needs for how I want my men to have sex with me. I need to face away from them, on my knees, with my torso vertical, leaning against a wall or a door or something, but I’ve found holding this position for 20 minutes is tough for some men. Are there exercises they could do to help with this? —Barbara

Dear Ms. Streisand: Exercises? Yes … they could walk out the door and find someone a little more open to experimentation, saving you both a lot of time. But maybe you’re saying that experimentation has led you to the conclusion that this is the way that works best for you, and you’re just saving you and the men in question fruitless months of hunting around when you already have the answer. Fair enough.

Well, I’m no yoga expert or even a stretching expert, but I’m a fan of physical culture so I’d say this: He should try leg extensions and squats with moderate or light weights. While you stand over him and scream. Hope this helps.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.