The Problems of the Prodigious Penis

The Problems of the Prodigious Penis

Why you should care

Because sexy is rarely accidental.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Penis Perils

EUGENE, SIR: “Nick” has a HUGE cock. Like impossibly huge. He is a giant. I have to train him to be gentle, and that’s hard to do with a proud man. So he keeps insulting my pussy! He’s all, “It won’t let me in. How is this big cock supposed to fit into that little pussy?” We do have a soul connection, but I know he probably also does too many drugs. He’s also started to complain how “dry” I am “up there.” He has this bizarre idea that I am supposed to be able to train my pussy to have fountain orgasms. He said he had a girlfriend once who had those orgasms. I think he watches too much of that porn shit for his own good as well. But you know, I don’t really care about his weird and perverse fantasies. All I want is a good fuck. Is this likely, given the way we’re going, and if not, how do I get one out of him? —JR

Dear Junior: So let’s recap: too many drugs, too much porn, complains and compares — your vagina and you to his ex’s — and, best of all, he doesn’t have sex with you. And you’re asking me if he’s likely, at any point in the foreseeable future, to give you a screw worth writing home about?

I’m going to take a good guess at this one and say, simply, HELLS NO.

Mr. Don’t Bee will never find his way to being a Mr. Do Bee for any number of reasons that can only be guessed at here, but the signs are present and plentiful and your body is telling you what your mind is not admitting: While the idea of a functional large penis seems like something worth waiting for, not so much if its owner is lukewarm on its functionality.

Or, as a friend of mine once said: A bad dancer blames his shoes.

So you’re unlikely to get even one good screw out of him as it seems you two are death spiraling. Maybe thusly: He has a hard time getting it up, he blames the drugs, he blames your vagina, he blames your vagina for not being his ex’s vagina, he flees, you long, you blame porn, you wonder if you’re losing it and then you write me. Only to hear me say: Forget it.

Better ways to spend your day and better days to be had spending it with a fully functional penis. Now where to find one of those? Ask one who has one. Yup. Just that simple. Good luck.

Anal Adversaries

EUGENE, SIR: I recently read an article of yours [“Rearward, Ho!, Intimacy Irritations + Sex Schools”] in which you answered someone asking for insight as to why anal sex is becoming more popular. Part of your answer was “Because like hypnotists say, you can’t really hypnotize someone into doing something they fundamentally don’t want to do. Or put another way, no one is consenting to having a penis placed in their rectum if it doesn’t accord with what feels good to them in general.” (Emphasis added)

First, do you honestly think “no one” consents to something they don’t want to do just to please their partner?

This doesn’t in any way address the fundamental shift in society over the past two decades where anal is becoming a commonly expected activity. It’s not like women suddenly developed a prostate gland or other reason to enjoy having a penis in their rectums. You don’t think the proliferation of online porn has a big role in it? The guy asking the question even raised that.

You’re not helping anyone by pretending there aren’t social factors in why women let their boyfriends reenact porn with them. And yes, many do enjoy it — and many enjoy it because they want nothing more than to get their dude off. But acknowledge that psychology, that willingness to take on something you really don’t like because it makes your partner happy; don’t act like all women secretly want it in the butt because it just feels so good.

You’re giving license to all the dreadful pricks out there who don’t listen or care when their partners are in pain and tell them, “You’ll like it, I promise, eventually.” And not noticing all the dudes who won’t budge on things that please their women because they see sex as just about men and their needs.

What percentage of straight men do you think would take a strap-on in their back door if it would get their woman off? —Jordan Barbeau

Dear Junior: Very few, actually. In regards to hetero men being pegged, I mean. This, even if Debby Herbenick, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute, says her research shows 11 percent of men in their early 20s are copping to being on the business end of the whole anal-sex deal.

But, you know, the onus of being an honest partner falls to both partners, and if someone hasn’t evolved to this place in time, there’s not much, outside of maybe time and experience, that will help them.

Or, in other words: McDonald’s.

Everyone knows it’s shitty and they eat it anyway. Why? Well, just because.

But you see, these columns are like ragas, and there’s very little that’s new under the sun, so I have answered variations of this question before and have answered in the way that you’re suggesting. But because, for me, these columns exist on a constant time line, I am assuming that everyone is reading everything and has read the previous replies and is really looking for me to expand beyond where I went with it the time before the last time.

Be that as it may, porn might have something to do with it. But so might the fact that many people have an experience with sex that follows a pattern of “this sucks … this is OK … this is actually not so bad … this is GREAT.”

In regards to men and their anuses (or, the assholes you’re referencing, and the assholes who own those assholes): Why would anyone have sex with them anyway?

Turn-On Takes

EUGENE, SIR: After answering everyone else’s questions, what turns you on? Or are you like a gynecologist and it’s pretty dispassionate? Just curious. —SM

Dear S&M: What turns me on? Just the joy of helping others. Well, that and cash. But thanks for asking.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.