The Problems of the Penis Are Many

The Problems of the Penis Are Many

Why you should care

Because good sex gets better when you’re having Sex With Eugene.

Affairs Inc.

EUGENE, SIR: My husband had an affair. I discovered this casually, and it was over by the time I discovered it. Then I had an affair, and it was over before my husband discovered it. The problem is, the guy I had the affair with was large and very, very good in bed. This isn’t so much the actual problem as is the fact that sex with my husband is a constant reminder of what he doesn’t, and can’t, do for me. He could always get better in bed, but his penis will never get larger. I am confused about what I should do. — Heidi

Dear Swiss Miss: Once upon a time, there was a box, belonging to this woman we know named Pandora, and she had been advised not to open it and — wait, that wasn’t it. Oh, yeah, it was these other friends, Adam and Eve, and they had this apple. Damn it. That’s not it either. Anyway, the story I was trying to remember had everything to do with the discovery of uncomfortable truths. For their troubles, Adam and Eve figured out they needed clothes and were going to die, Pandora couldn’t keep track of everything that was loosed upon the world, and you are unable to unknow what you now know about how the other half lives.

I’m sure some would give you a pass since your affair came after his affair, but this really has very little to do with the assigning of blame and responsibility and much more to do with how you go forward. Or, in your case, how do you live in a less than perfect world? And honestly, this goes both ways. In the world of women, there are, I am guessing, women who are smarter, better, funnier and sexier than you. And there are men with bigger penises who put them to better use than your husband does his, and probably make more money to boot, but that’s not why you chose him. You chose him for complicated reasons known only to you but having everything to do with why you married him and not me, for instance, and if those reasons are just as valid now as they were then? Stay married and work on getting it closer to what you’ve recently just glimpsed.

And yes: His penis will not get any bigger. But bigger penises may not be the sole key to a happy homestead as they are usually in high demand and not likely to be any more faithful than what you’re married to.

“Eugene, you preaching staying the course?”

Yes. Yes, I am.

Come Again?

EUGENE, SIR: I am facing issues related to premature ejaculation. As I approach my partner during sex, I gradually feel myself losing control and I ejaculate during the sixth or seventh penetration. Please suggest some nonclinical methods for lasting longer. — Varun Kumar

Dear Mr. K: I’m going to move this whole discussion for you, right out of “nonclinical methods” and right into an understanding of sex as “play.” Which is to say, unless you’re trying to impregnate your partners, a focus on penetrative sex as a means to aiding your partner in achieving orgasm is barking up the wrong, um, tree. It’s not as common for a woman to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex as many men have come to believe. Rather than be disheartened by this, it should free you up, as 15 minutes of oral-vaginal contact, even before you get to the penetrative sex, is not out of the question but is, indeed, part of the answer. Your mouth, tongue, hands and fingers are your friends, and it’s probably much more likely that you can get your partner off with these before you even get to the penetrative sex.

So your partner orgasms; post-orgasm, you can jump in with six or seven thrusts and call it a good night. But if for some reason this is something you find less than pleasing, I advise masturbating the morning of a night you expect to be having sex. Also, gently pulling on your scrotum when you feel like you’re going to orgasm slows things down as men’s testicles, pre-orgasm, tend to get drawn up closer to the body. Finally, the highly nonstandard advice of imagining your parents bursting into the room might distract you well beyond the six or seven current thrust limit. I hope. Good luck!

The Weekly Size Register

EUGENE, SIR: I have a small dick, so suggest one nice position or style for me so that I can satisfy my lady. — Aman

Dear Amen, Aman: According to the experts on this (i.e., people with vaginas), one position rules the roost for those not well-endowed, and that’s the one known tastefully as “doggy style.” Being behind your partner purportedly lets her squeeze her legs together, creating greater friction and letting you make the most of whatever kind of thrust you’re working with. A secondary option would be a modified missionary position with a pillow beneath your partner, raising her hips. Instead of thrusting, the suggestion is that you employ some modified frottage, where you grind your pelvis against hers in a circular motion, reducing the significance of the actual thrust. These should help a bit and be as fun for you as they are for her. Which is much more than we can say about the “substitute player” option. Now, get out there and SATISFY away!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.