The Possibly Hopeless Attempt at Making Sex Sexy Again

The Possibly Hopeless Attempt at Making Sex Sexy Again

Why you should care

Because your private parts can quickly go public if you’re not careful.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

The Erection Set

EUGENE, SIR: I just read your sex advice piece. You, sir, are an absolute marvel! I am in awe of your range. By the way, seeing how I’ve recently turned the biblical threescore and 10, if erections are finite, when should I expect the supply to run out? — JB

Dear James Brown: In the movie version of Ray Bradbury’s The Illustrated Man, Rod Steiger’s character admonishes someone not to stare too long at his tattoos because they’ll “start to come alive on you.” That’s like this column. While the dream is to draw your last breath immediately after having made use of your last erection — creepy as that might sound — the reality of it is most of us who’ve had erections will hit the Last Erection well before we die. Sure, there’s the anecdotal tale shared by guys at the gym that they’re “getting it every day,” but don’t be quite so sure that you’re both referring to the same “it.”

On a long enough timeline, we’re getting older and not necessarily better. The key, to mimic Nazi architect Albert Speer’s favorite theory of ruin, is to look, or in this instance be, as good in decline as at your best. So, you’re not the same, but you’re as good as you’re going to get for whatever subsequent stage you’re at. And to do that you’re going to have to plan. If you’re 80 and your partner is 20? You may have miscalculated. Badly. In the end, you may discover that you need more erections than you’re getting. And what’s more? The ones you’re getting are probably going to kill you. Unless you take a nap.

So honestly appraise your health, wealth and attractiveness, choose a partner with an eye to simultaneous rates of decline of hope that your erections, however many you have left, match up with your ability to use them. And if that’s three times a week? Let’s hope that those three frame a trio of terrific. This way you skate off onto Golden Pond with memories, not regrets.

But to answer your question: Thursday of next week. At 3:45 p.m. Hope that helps.

Girls’ Night Off

EUGENE, SIR: I told my boyfriend that I had been with women in the past and now he is pushing for us to bring in another woman. I told him that’s not how it works. He says I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I told him this makes him an ass. Advice, please. — Name withheld by request

Dear All the Single Ladies: He’s an ass. Moreover, he’s an ass who’s not thought this out too far beyond some sort of quasi-porn production trope that has him, Elvis-like, advising you “gals” to “wrassle.” But there’s a difference between what happens in his head and what happens in the real world, where what’s happening is him pimping his serious-reservation-having girlfriend into an intimate situation fraught with certain relationship-ending peril that he doesn’t even see.

How do I know? Suggest another man for a down-the-road threesome and see what he says. He might counter with the fact that he’s not into men and that this is different because you are into women. Your response, should you even be talking to him at this point, might be that you are into him. If it is his desire to sow this field of desire with other players, he should also know that he may reap a partner who’s forgotten how cool it is to be some with someone who actually listens.

Because what he’s missing is that desire is not always fungible. While a dildo is a dildo, another human is something else entirely, and if one is not enough, maybe 10 is not too many. And maybe not just women, but maybe more men too. Once he put it out there, he should have left it out there and not pushed. Him pushing? All the difference in the world. He’s not allowing you an open lane for expression, but sort of demanding your help in fulfilling a fantasy of his. So much more about him, much less about you. Bad grounds for any kind of good time (unless you’re a sub).

My advice? Tell him that you’ll have sex with as many women as you want to … right after you two break up. Until then, your relationship with him is very definitely the only big deal you’re interested in dealing with and you’ll consider his bucket list wishes on a case-by-case basis, if he’s not such a pushy ass about it all.

Stoking Home Fires?

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been married for 35 years. My husband and I have had a standard sex life: missionary, doggy, oral, hand jobs. But my husband has also had two affairs and gobbled up porn for most of his life. I’ve never had another partner. Now, he says he has no interest in sex. When we do have sex and he can’t orgasm, he says that it’s not me. On the other hand, he says he can satisfy himself. So I’m not buying that he isn’t having a problem with me.

I probably carry 30 extra pounds. I’m small-busted. I’m sure his porn preferences trend toward big tits, as did his affairs. I want to continue having sex with my husband. I’m not interested in finding a lover. That’s too much work — I want to work at what I have. What I can’t get past are my own insecurities about not being enough for him. I want to throw caution to the wind and blow his mind, but I can’t let my inhibitions go. What am I missing? Also, sex advice for those of us in our 60s dealing with aging joints, hormones, moisture or the lack thereof. Fire away. — Julie Bell

Dear Ma Bell: It is you in general, though it’s not you specifically. Let me explain: A friend of mine once had a girlfriend who insisted that when he masturbated, he not think of anything but the feeling he was having. A direct feedback link. No thoughts of exes, movie stars or Martha Stewart. He tried several times. And fell asleep several times. This mystified her and she believed that he too had been damaged by porn. I make a different claim: I say that he had eroticized the visual, and the physical was partnered to this.

But that’s not totally what’s going on here. It’s not that your husband is less pleased with how you look or that you have to do anything to be more appealing, though every existing piece of media will tell you otherwise. It’s that he’s used to how you look. An anecdotal survey of my male friends revealed that on the occasion when they masturbate and think about their partner at the same time, the vast majority of them are remembering their partners from the first or second times they were intimate. This is totally not scientific, but I’d say that this is not because the partners were younger then, but because the partners were largely unknown to them. The foreign is completely eroticized and thus much more exciting than, well, remembering yesterday.

So you can move yourself out of your comfort zone, if that pleases you, but the reality of it is that to enliven him with you again, you have to not be you. Again. How do criminals and cops do this? Easy: Disguises. Wigs, changes of clothing, different locales. Situational changes might also help you. But that’s pro-level stuff and swinging is very much not for everyone. At best, you should be having fun with it. At worst, it does nothing for him and you’re back to square one.

In regards to aging joints? Evening primrose oil and yoga. Hormones? Your doctor. Moisture? Try Wicked Sensual Care’s line of lube. Good luck!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.