The Magical Misery of Married Sex

The Magical Misery of Married Sex

Why you should care

Because despite some hard-headed belief that it WON’T happen to you, it eventually always does.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Wedding Bed Blues

EUGENE, SIR: My new wife is the greatest and I love her dearly. But since we entered into our relationship as man and wife, she has not been as affectionate and adventurous in the oral area as she was previous to marriage. I continue to find different and creative ways to make her orgasm orally, but I don’t get the same consideration. And if I even mention the back door, she scolds me and calls me a “perv.” My friends at work told me she would become less sexual toward me, and I blew them off as being jealous or envious of our relationship, but it seems to be true. Am I just too paranoid, or do have grounds for legitimate concern? — Rodney

Dear Rodney on the Rock: When it comes to your penis? No such thing as “too” paranoid. That said, sometimes expectation leads to and breeds trouble. As does, maybe, the fact that you describe your relationship as “man and wife” versus “man and woman.” A correction would underscore that she has no role requirement other than being woman if you are the man. But semantics aside, I think married life and loving deals with very delicate timing and pacing issues. When you’re single, you’re up against a clock that says “this could END at just about any time.” Being married seems to suggest that though that might still be true, you’re legally opposed to the premise or, at the very least, attached to the half of your stuff that walks if she walks.

HOWEVER, this doesn’t mean that your woman who is a wife is off the hook, and while she might have half a dozen reasons to not want to duck your sick (sic) — from hygiene and the old-age secret belief that she does it poorly so she doesn’t want to do it at all, to you being a demanding prick about your penis — none of those should be deal killers in a healthy relationship. And I don’t know what your friends at work have to do with anything other than them possibly being the real reason for your paranoia, as the potential for plunder is high when you start going public with relationship problems. Or anal sex, except as a canary in a chocolaty coal mine (sorry).

No, the real issue is having a partner not pleasantly involved in one of the great pleasantries of relationship pleasures: sex. And the communication that goes along with it. While many a columnist would suggest “talking it out,” I personally can’t think of anything less sexy or more demeaning here. That is, inquiring about her lack of interest in orally sexing you. So what to do?

As a derivation on an old Isaac Bashevis Singer story: nothing.

By which I mean if you or your partner stops feeding your partner or you and after a month, both of you are still alive? Someone has found food somewhere else, and this is probably/possibly where their interest now lies. This is not likely given the newness of your marriage, but the reality is you wrote me for a reason, and I’m confirming that there was a reason to write me. Good luck.

In Love, But …

EUGENE, SIR: From time to time, I dream about dating someone new. Sometimes the scene will involve flirtatious courtship, and other times it includes kissing and sexual activity. It’s all exciting, and I admit I miss the thrill of falling in love. The issue is that I’m married. I’ve been married for 18 months and we dated two years prior to that. In those dreams, sometimes I have no knowledge/recollection that I am married in real life. I guess I am cheating in my dream. I waited until my mid-30s to marry because I didn’t want to settle. I was happy being independent and “playing the field” before I met my husband. But he enhanced my life in many ways, so I left my independent life to be with him. I love my husband a lot. We are compatible in many ways, especially in bed. We both love sex and are both kinky. And we both enjoy sex with each other immensely, but I often find myself waking up in the middle of these dreams masturbating. Why do I occasionally have these dreams? — Sexually Frustrated While Sleeping

Dear School of Forestry & Wildlife Sciences: You ever wonder why when you breathe in, your lungs don’t explode? Or that you breathe out without someone having to remind you? Now I’m no scientist, but from what I’ve been told and largely what I believe, there are these purple-hatted wizard creatures housed in your head who take care of maintenance functions so even if you FORGET to do these things, you don’t die. Since clearly our bodies care about the perpetuation of the species, this just seems to be one of those things: the bio-treadmill of meet-greet-mate-perpetuate.

On the one hand, you’d be wrong to read too much into these dreams; on the other hand, you’d be a fool to ignore them. Which is to say, I don’t say that they mean nothing, but they seem to hint at the fact that, at the very least, you might start sharing this stuff with your partner. Not in a heavy way, but in a way that makes it part of the kink you’re already clearly sharing. This is not without perils. If all of your dreamy fantasies cohere around a co-worker, this might be a little touchier than if they aggregate around um, Corey Feldman, for example. But generally, a little sunlight on your dream world could end up being hot and cool versus something that hints at you needing to run wild and free availing yourself of any and all available kink.

Horny Hell

EUGENE, SIR: I’m in a sexless marriage (the divorce will come). But I crave physical attention and adore sex. I’ve been playing around on affair sites, but I think I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I’m too aggressive? Maybe I don’t know what the “rules” are? I have interacted with a number of men who seem quite keen, only to have them disappear before we can get to the good stuff in person. I do tend to go in for the dirty talk rather quickly, but isn’t that why we’re all there? I get excited and I can talk/text a lot, which might turn some off. I don’t want a traditional relationship, but I need some connection/friendship elements in order to be open sexually. I’m attractive, intelligent and highly sexual. Am I scaring them off? — Raging Red

Dear Rail Road: Yes. If it’s an affair site, potential partners are gauging whether or not you’re going to be texting them during dinner, when they’re in bed with their wives, after they’ve left their phones in the car with the kids and so on. I’m not saying feign disinterest, but ease up on the whole Fatal Attraction threat-level-red stuff. Lay out the filth, gauge general compatibility from a return response, set up a meeting, rinse, repeat. But online chatterboxes? Possible menaces to be feared and avoided. Hope this helps.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.