The Lost Art of 'Goin Down'

The Lost Art of 'Goin Down'

Why you should care

Because sex is better done well than badly. 

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Cunning Linguals

EUGENE, SIR: How do I get my man better at giving head? This doesn’t seem like a comfortable conversation to have. —F

Dear Just Stop: Put him on his back. Sit on his face. Hold his head and when he’s doing it right, appreciative sounds. When he’s not? Move the head to either slow down or speed up or shift his efforts.

See? Not a word wasted.

GILFs? GILFs!

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend of the past 3 years and I broke up about 6 months ago. The reasons were complicated but I was ripped up over it. She’s 28. I’m 33. Anyway our long and tortured break up ended up involving family members, the whole 9, since we were thinking about marriage. Her 82-year-old grandmother ended up being a great shoulder to cry on and long story much shorter, we ended up sleeping together. Me and the grandmother, I mean. This was about a month ago and since then we’ve done it three more times. We’ve got a lot in common. But at this point we have no idea how to handle what we’ve done and how we should tell the family. Advice, quickly, please. —name withheld by request

Dear OMG: Post-break-up many may take to drink, succumb to depression or engage in mindlessly low-grade sexual experiences. All some variation of self-destructive as they flagellate themselves over what I, personally, would consider a bit of good fortune: fate has chosen you for something else. But rarely, in all of my years as a sexy sex columnist, have I ever seen someone pull off such a high degree of difficulty maneuver in the midst of a 100-feet cliff dive into total stupidity.

One thing’s for sure…if this gets out and anybody but me hears about it you will for sure achieve what I suspect is your real objective: you will have “shown her”. What? I’m totally unsure of since there’s a reason we have social boundaries against family dalliances and that has very much to do with the possibility of internecine combat this kind of thing might spread. Generations against generations. Chaos all around and burning, flaming bridges everywhere the eye can see.

And her grandmother won’t be blamed at all.

No. This will all be you and while I really admire the salted earth aspect of the message you’re sending you will never be forgiven for having subverted the kindly ol’ grandma trope and replaced it with the sexy senior citizen one. Yes, sure, older people are entitled to sex lives too. No problem with that. But with your grandaughters fiance? This is a sticky wicket (ask her what a “sticky wicket” is as generationally speaking you might be a little fuzzy on this) and if you think you’re going to explain this away to the family you’re going to be sorely mistaken.

I’m not one for advising people to LIE about what they’re doing but the reality of it is IF you lie here and are then discovered this might actually buy you a little credit. So do it. And until that inevitable moment of discovery? I guess you might as well enjoy yourself. Saying nothing, while doing so. Good luck. You’re really going to need it.

Pumping … Iron

EUGENE, SIR: I’m in a bit of a conundrum. There’s this chick at my gym that I’m positive I could nail if I wanted to. But she goes to my gym and if things go haywire, well, you know. I’m looking for a how-to on not screwing it up. I’ve had relationships that I thought were casual sex then it was like “Oh, you’re taking a vacation without me?!?” I mean if this was a club? I got that. But like a place I go daily? —Duncan

Dear Mr. Donuts: I guess in way this is a sex problem. As in, there is sex involved. On a certain level. But essentially you’re asking how to keep the casual, well, casual, and it’s a good question premised as it is on the notion that you can’t possibly love everyone and so how do you manage the placeholders in the meantime.

Very simply: by The Rule of Three. Never do anything more than three times, since it will healthily and rightly be assumed that things you do more than three times you actually do because you really like them. I mean outside of work, there’s no other single place people go more than three times unless they’re masochists. Well, maybe work and church. OK, work, church, tax appointments, parent-teacher meetings. OK, OK, work, church…well you get the idea.

The point is this: no long lingering lust-a-thons if you intend to scoot. No emails signed with any terms of endearment. Nothing bespeaking of a deeper emotional involvement. A friend of mine once said it best when he said “no woman will talk to you, IF she doesn’t like you….Even if your car is on fire.” And this is as true now as it’s ever been. You keep up the rebop? It will be assumed you’re doing so because things are “getting serious.” So after the third “date”? Exit stage left. Rinse. Repeat.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.