The Keys to Oral Success and Twisted Threesome Twins

The Keys to Oral Success and Twisted Threesome Twins

Why you should care

Because you can play chess poorly. This you need to do well.

The Story of Your Oral Success

EUGENE, SIR: At first they tried to tell us that the key to delivering good cunninlingus had to do with going through the entire alphabet with your tongue. I have discovered that this is less reliable than if I treat the vagina I am eating like another mouth. So you’ll be as good at cunnilingus as you are at kissing. So if you’re bad at kissing you’ll be bad at this too. You don’t have to thank me now. Just thought I’d give you a little advice. — name withheld

Dear Dr. Johnson: While there are not many practical places you can turn to for advice about the functional doings of what works in the bedroom and what doesn’t we at “Sex with Eugene” are more than happy to know that our loyal readers have our backs, mouths and vaginas. Not only are you watching out for us but are offering handy dandy tips that none of us would have figured out without you! Hats off to you, Yoda.

That being said a pornstar friend of ours who has logged enough miles to know said, “what feels best is when your lover loves doing what he’s doing. Enthusiasm is something you can work with.” Indeed.

Brethren

EUGENE, SIR: I was dating a twin. Got dumped by that twin and started dating his brother. The first twin has now stopped talking to both of us. But the one I’m dating now has been suggesting as a way to smooth things over, a threesome. With his brother. When I said that I thought that was kind of weird he said that it wasn’t like they hadn’t done it before. I guess I looked shocked. He laughed and still suggests it. Is this as crazy as it sounds or am I overreacting? — Doubling Up?

Dear Doubled Trouble: It dawns on me that this could be part of a routine that also includes subbing for each other if they’ve crossed invites or just because. That is, if you had someone who looked just like you I’d imagine you’d stumble into all kinds of weird nooks and crannies that the rest of us had never thought of before up to and including, yes, dating each others partners. And by “dating” I, of course, mean “screwing”.

But there are more things on heaven and earth than in your books of science, doctor and so it remains that you’ve already had sex with both of them separately. Having sex with them together, providing they’re not also into incest, which would admittedly be kind of (read: very) weird, is not that big of a deal.

UNLESS…and you knew this was coming: it feels weird to you AFTER you’ve thought about it a bunch. Reasons why it might still feel weird to me even if I had thought about it a bunch? The possibility that it WAS a set-up. That is: neither brother is angry with the other and they’re just trying to fake their way into a threesome. Reasons why it might still feel not weird at all? If you’ve already had a threesome. If you’ve already had a threesome with siblings. If any of this turns you on in the slightest.

Nowadays, at least in the U.S., one out of every 30 babies born is a twin. So this may come up again. Figure out where your feelings are in regards to weird v. not-weird and act accordingly. Final note: sometimes weird is OK. Just as long as it’s legal.

38% Gay?

EUGENE, SIR: We were out drinking the other night and my buddy said, “yeah. If I was drunk enough I’d let you blow me.” We joke like this all the time but this time we actually were drinking. Getting drunk. Finally I got sick of it and asked him if he was gay. He said, “oral sex doesn’t make you gay!” Then we argued. If he is gay, fine. But this seems like doublespeak to me. And bullshit. And I am gay so I am sensitive to both. Why is bicuriosity so pathetic? — Depressed By the Repressed

Dear DBTR: Bicuriosity is probably just as depressing as any other half-assed kind of curiosity. I mean no one is “curious” about money. Or air. Or food, water and shelter. No. They’re very directed about these. Sexuality also sort of sits outside of things we’re merely “curious” about as well. But this “testing of the waters” is wearisome and he’d get a better sense of this if he was wise enough to recall being on the business end of a coquette and having to deal with the attentions of someone who needed a little bit too much romance to close the deal.

However, this can’t be a surprise to you and I can’t imagine it’s the first time you’ve dealt with it. But your frustration at him denying the gayness of acts of gayness like having his penis in another man’s mouth is well placed. It’s just bad semantic play. Especially since the only people who think being a man with another man’s penis in your mouth is not gay are repressed gay men.

So choose your friends more carefully. Or at the very least, don’t drink with them.

Comment

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.