The Future of Erections, More Sex Pills + HIV Riddles

The Future of Erections, More Sex Pills + HIV Riddles

Why you should care

Because if sex were easy, idiots would be doing it. Um, wait a minute …

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Hot Brazilian Sex for the Overweight Wanderer

EUGENE, SIR: I was born in London in 1944 and discovered sex at age 13. I wasn’t very good at it, too much fear. Moved to Brazil in 1967, discovered joy, got married to a beautiful babe in 1970, had a great sex life for 10 years. Three kids, followed by a divorce in 1980. Got married to a really lovely, sexy 19-year-old who was always ready for it and very creative. If I’d thought the sex was good first time round, it was nothing compared with that of my second marriage. A blast, plus two more kids.

Ever since I discovered booze at 13, I fell in love with drinking, and Brazil was perfect: great weather, plentiful caipirinhas and the most beautiful women on Earth. I drank solidly until I was 57. Drinking rarely interfered with sex functions, mostly it seemed to enhance things. I can’t say I was very faithful, to the point where I tallied up nearly 500 partners.

Now to my question: I’m 71 and admit to the decline of my sexual powers to the point where I haven’t tried anything to get a hard-on as I find it nigh on impossible to attract the opposite sex. I have very little money, I’m short (1.72 meters, or 5-foot-6) and overweight (116 kilograms, or 256 pounds), but in reasonable health, with a good heart, in both senses. I’ve been in recovery for 13 years, never touching another drop of alcohol and not even missing it.

Do you think I should give up hope of ever having a rewarding relationship and just accept things as they are? My interest in women remains the same as always. — Michael A. Jacobs

Dear MAJ: When I was 26 or 27, I used to “joke” about this concept that I came to call the Finite Erection, the idea being, in the realm of the unknown but knowable, every man needs to be highly conscious of the fact that he has only so many erections coming to him. So to speak. Now, Einstein was a genius and all, but as far as I know he is no longer having erections. So we do not have an infinite number of them coming to us. Therefore, how you use the ones you have is very, very important.

But to answer your question: No, you should never give up hope. You are not at the end of your erections, and if you’re thinking cleverly about this, you should be able to use them for a long time to come. With a partner even. How? Look, the signs of what we find attractive are frequently signs that are external indicators of internal vigor. Clear eyes, shiny hair, good teeth and muscle tone? All signs that your genes are worth a damn. And the fact that men stay fertile forever? Well, this is an edge you can work with while you work off that excess weight, which will inevitably lead to things like heart attacks, making you highly unsuitable for breeding and caregiving.

You see me working? It’ll be harder for you to get richer than it will be for you to lose a little weight. After that, get a good haircut and a decent wardrobe and you should be able to run circles around your younger male counterparts. Very slow circles, but you get my drift. Mostly? Well, I think it’s safe to say, mostly because a man who won’t take care of his body won’t take of anything. Also? Keep that bit about the 500 sex partners to yourself. Those may just sound like bad odds to many (who aren’t me).

Sex Pill Magic!

EUGENE, SIR: Sex pills. Are they good for sex all the time? — Elias

Dear Sgt. Elias: Interesting question. Studies that involved a group of men with the average age of 47 had them taking Viagra every night for 12 months followed by one month of no Viagra. What did the researchers find? Outside of a collection of very sore and looking-for-any-excuse-to-avoid-sex sex partners? That 60 percent of the men had returned to normal erections and fewer than 10 percent who self-administered Viagra as they needed it had a similar return to erections. What does this say? It says that somewhere someone has convinced someone to pay them for giving Viagra to men and instructing them to have sex. Also known as the easiest job in the world.

But you don’t ask about 12 months. You ask about “all the time.” The studies are inconclusive, but the word on the street is taking them “all the time” is probably not the best for you for a half-dozen reasons. To recap: limited usage to return you to “regular” functioning? Good. Taking them “all the time”? Bad. Though if you’re in a position to be having sex ALL THE TIME, things probably are not going so badly for you.

An HIV Riddle

EUGENE, SIR: I’m having sex with one girl and just had sex with another girl. Did I double my chances of HIV? — Akashraut

Dear Akashy, Baby: This is not easy to figure out even with everyone trying to figure it out, but the conventional wisdom suggests that if you’re using condoms properly, your concerns should be fairly low. If you’re not using condoms, the old rule of penis is that the more exposure, the greater the risk. What does that mean in real, practical HIV terms? Well, if you’re a woman having unprotected vaginal sex 100 times with someone who is HIV positive, the risk? Ten percent. At base level, and higher if certain biological factors are in the house. If you’re a man having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman, you’re much less likely to catch it, especially if you’re circumcised, but you still could catch it. Just risk-to-reward analysis, my man. Weigh the risks against the rewards. But to answer your question: No, you didn’t double your chances of getting HIV.

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