The Crushing Curse of the World's Worst Sex

The Crushing Curse of the World's Worst Sex

Why you should care

Because your genitalia would want you to.

Bad vs. Better

EUGENE, SIR: I told my lover of the past few months that I like rough sex. He proceeded to grab my boobs way too hard. I told him to stop, to be more gentle. During sex he changes positions every four seconds. I tell him to slow down, and then he goes so slow that I can’t stand it. He told me that he read somewhere if he traced the letters of the alphabet when giving me oral it would turn me on like crazy. It does not and has not. Is this just a mismatch or can he be educated to be better? — TC

Dear Top Cat: This raises a question that, in various forms, has been asked about dancing, acting or any other art or craft that requires some sort of subtle grace. Can it be taught? Can it be learned? Is it a function of practice? Practice making perfect? After a whole lot of research — I mean LOTS and LOTS of research — I think I can safely say that while practice won’t always get you to perfect, someone who is bad will get better. But if your starting point is 3 on a scale of 10, “better” could just be a 5. Which leaves you in a position to ask yourself: worth it or not? Which is pretty much what you’re asking and which I’m now answering. After a few months? No. He might feel like you haven’t given him enough of a chance, but since when did you become a remedial program for the sexually stupid?

People can be taught tricks, given tips, shown strategies, but is going to a sex therapist something you feel like doing a few months in? Only if there’s a lot of promise, a premise I’d surely question given what you’ve said. People change their situations for precisely something like this, and lest you think I’m being unduly harsh, look across the aisle for a little bit and ask yourself how many men put up with partners who are bad in bed before they’re off? Exactly. There’s occasional wisdom to these ways.

So unload, start again and better luck next time.

Three-Second Rule?

EUGENE, SIR: Anal is interesting, and we enjoy it every now and then. Just recently after anal, my girlfriend did something she’d never done before: She pulled my dick out of her and put it in her mouth without wiping it off. Then she took it out of her mouth, and we had normal intercourse. When she tried to kiss me, though, I pulled away. I mean, she took my dick out of her anus and put it in her mouth, and then she wanted to kiss me. This seems dangerous and not so smart. A big argument follows. I am rejecting. I am an ass. She wanted to put it in her mouth, I didn’t ask her to do it. So why am I the bad guy for not wanting a mouthful of poop? — Name withheld by request

Dear Not Going to Win This One: You need to realize that women, largely, are fed up, so to speak, with guys being weirded out by their own semen, or by vaginal fluids, period leakage or whatever fecal smear was on the business end of their own genitalia. So much so that they just don’t want to hear it. If they’re putting it in their mouths and you want them to do more of that? When they move to kiss you, you absolutely must not flinch or move away, even if you have bona fide health concerns. This includes those aforementioned fluids as well as others I may have neglected to mention.

Yes, doing anything with something freshly removed from a rectum without cleaning it first IS ill-advised and probably something ported over from the porn world. But this is all unprotected sex and is inherently unsafe if your concern is HIV or hepatitis. And it should be, since they can kill you. It also separates the bit players from the devil-may-care-hell-bent-for-leather lunatics that are down for … well, whatever.

It’s nice to imagine hot sex with someone from the latter grouping, but the reality is sometimes it comes with a price. You just got a mouthful of that price. My advice? Stage-manage stuff a bit. It comes out, you wipe it clean before you put it in anywhere. And don’t flinch with those other fluids. You’re not a schoolmarm, but flinching makes it seem so. Which is to say: totally not sexy. Good luck.

Catch-22’ing Coitus

EUGENE, SIR: When I take my medication, I’m not depressed. But the medication makes it impossible for me to have an orgasm, which depresses me. If I don’t take my medication, I can have orgasms, but when I’m not having orgasms, I’m suicidal. Is there a midway? — Kelley

Dear CheckMate: Probably not. But suicide is pretty final. Depression that doesn’t lead to suicide at least leaves you alive at the end of the day. For what, you seem to be asking? Maybe for living long enough to see them invent an antidepressant that doesn’t eliminate one of life’s true free joys.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.