Text Crimes, Beating Cheating + Viagra Miasma

Text Crimes, Beating Cheating + Viagra Miasma

Why you should care

Because if sex were easy, even idiots would be able to do it … well.

Sexting Context


EUGENE, SIR: Is it your “professional” opinion that sexting is cheating? I found something on my man’s phone and want to know if I’m making a big deal about it. Or not big enough? Please help. —M.P.

Dear Michelle Ma Bell:

“It” “is” “my” professional “opinion” that a kind word and a passive-aggressive voice gets you a lot further than just a passive-aggressive voice, and so thanks for asking about my quals. But there’s ton of nuance in what you asked, not just how you asked it. How did you find it? How does this matter? Well, if you hacked his phone, you do realize that while your paranoia has been justified in this case, it’s unlikely to ever be sated in almost every other one, and if you go looking for the devil hard enough, you will always find him.

Translation: Is your discovery predicated on a steadfast failure to believe that both you and he deserve to have your togetherness mean something? If so, then welcome to a kind of failure that never ends.

Which means that yes, I do believe sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and not the penis of your dead grandfather as Freud might have wanted us to believe. But, a practiced playboy would say some variation of “It’s all in your head,” “It’s not that big of a deal,” and so on. IF you hear these, curiously enough, these raise greater alarms for me than if you hear, “Sorry, babe. I didn’t really think it meant that much.”

May sound lame, but it also sounds more like the truth than anything else. Men are so unused to actually getting laid as often as they’d like that the muscles they used to get laid, thanks to the times when they were much more obsessed with doing so, are not used like women’s are.

Meaning? Men do not always maintain a reasonable expectation that their exercises will lead to coitus. So … I’d cut him some slack. And don’t give me that “Of course you’d say that, you owner of a penis, you.” If you care about your emotional life, well, there’s always a time to let things go. Especially because if bad news is coming, there’s very little that can really be done to stop it anyway.

The Un-Neat Cheat


EUGENE, SIR: A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. Bad-mouthed her to anyone who would listen. Six months go by, I try to maintain a friendship with them both, one thing leads to another and she and I sleep together. This runs its course, and as luck and life would have it, they get back together. To eventually end up engaged. I am still friends with them, and while there’s been no agreement between me and her, I am guessing that she has not told him. I am OK with this if this meant he would never find out, but this is a gamble. But it seems if he is going to find out, he should find out before he marries her. Yes? —Cock Tales

Dear Careless Whisperer:

Who are you to decide which penis stories are to be told and which are not? But this is again like Pascal’s Wager all over again. If you tell them (her or him separately, or foolishly: together) and they don’t care? No problem. If you don’t tell them and they don’t care? No problem. If you tell them and they care? You’re out. And possibly beaten. If you don’t tell them and they care and later find out? You’re out. So, clearly, if you were a betting man, bet on not telling them. Because, firstly, she may have told him and well, if she has not … you know all you need to know. It’s her story to own as well. Then again, if there are letters, emails, pics or videos, your chances of being discovered have climbed. So prep your post-discovery explanation and have it hew to the “I forgot” variant.

Why? Because oversights usually are a greater gift for the uninformed than willful attempts to conceal your secret bone-ery.

Performance-Enhanced Penises


EUGENE, SIR: I just heard from the ex-girlfriend of my ex’s best friend, and she says that he had tried to buy Viagra from her. She is a nurse and this is a small town. I am choosing to think that he didn’t have to do this when he was with me. I am also choosing to think that he is doing it now because whomever he’s screwing is not as hot as me. But … I think I need to ask. Are men just taking this crap like aspirin these days? Should I be as disappointed as I feel now? — Jenny

Dear Wise Up: Back when they first invented it, I was in the gym and a friend of mine who was on steroids was also telling me about this new magical drug he was taking called “Viagra.” That combined with the steroids created a perfect storm of “always wanting to have sex” dead center of “always being able to have sex.” He was having sex with multiple women, four by his informal count. Two-hour-long marathon sessions that in the retelling he capped with: “They had never seen or felt anything like that.”

Then I had a thought and framed it as a question that caused the record needle to scratch: “Are you telling them what you’re on?” And the collected gathering of lifters all to a man laughed at me. Or like a porn-star friend of mine once answered a fan when he asked if her 38G breasts were “real”: “They’re as real as you want them to be.”

Which is to say, if you want to believe in Santa Claus, why, go right ahead. I mean in a world where bowlers are taking steroids, it seems extremely likely that if there’s an edge to be had, people are going to have at it. Not just men either. Boob jobs are also a form of modern fakery. And based on the aforementioned porn star, one that works, and that’s really the thing: They work. Of course your definition of “work” is that your man is so sexually crazed by you that he can do all of this not chemically aided. And both he and I would agree: He IS so sexually crazed by you that he can screw all night long every night … as long as he takes his Viagra vitamins.

Not a knock against you. Given how expensive these pills are, it’s probably the exact opposite, actually. I mean you were worth spending the money on, I’d guess. So yes: like aspirin.

Comment

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.